Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Lost My Mom To Alzheimers


Recommended Posts

I lost my mom three months ago, she didn't know who I was. No one went to see her but my daughter and I, that really hurt but each his own. We were with her when she passed but she did not know us.

I lost my Dad three years ago, but had no time to grieve, because my mom needed so much care. My mom was so very mean because of Alzheimers and my Dad had covered so much for her that it was such a shock. My Mom also had mental health issues before the alzheimers and had been abusive to my brother and I. My brother did not go to see her, I don't know why that hurt me so much.

I felt so very much alone the family seemed relieved , to them she had left two years before she died. Last week I lost my beautiful dog and now I can't stop crying and I seem to be grieving them all at once . I am so confused I don't even know where to put this post.

Diane

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Diane, I am so sorry. I could cry for you. The amount of loss that you have had to cope with is phenomenal. On top of the losses, you have had to deal with putting your grief on the back burner to look after your Mom, and also look after her alone. You might be hurting at your brother not visiting your Mom because it feels like he also left you alone to deal with her illness(es) and death too. I think that's how I would feel. As you say, we all react differently. I can strongly identify with mourning the loss of your dog ... it broke our hearts when we lost our wonderful dog. Someone explained to me that grief is cumulative so losing your dog, which is an awful loss in itself, is further compounded by losing both your parents, lack of support from rest of family, stress of care-giving.

A close friend of mine almost had a breakdown looking after her mother in law with Alzheimers. It is a dreadful cruel disease. It's very hard for families to not take it personally if mental health issues impact them ... even though it is the disease not the person in essence, certainly not their heart that intends to hurt you or your feelings.

My heart goes out to you

please keep posting - this place has been a life-saver to me, I really mean that.

HUGS

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Diane, dear, I don't know how you found us, but I'm so glad you did. You are in what I would call a severe case of "grief overload," and I hope you will give yourself the gift of reaching out for support ~ not only here, where you are always welcome, but to your family physician, the local chapter of your Alzheimer's Association, a hospice organization in your community, your religious affiliation if you have one, to a special friend or neighbor, or to a grief support group or a grief counselor who will work with you individually. You need a safe place where you can take your grief and talk with someone who will listen to your stories of loss, so you won't feel so alone as you come to terms with all of this. It's just not realistic to think that you can "handle" all of this all by yourself, and it isn't necessary that you even try.

See the article I've attached to this post (from the Alzheimer's Associaiton) entitled Grief, Mourning and Guilt.

AlzheimersGriefMourningGuilt.pdf

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Diane

I am so sorry for your loss. Alzheimer's is a terrible disease because so many times they look perfectly well on the outside so it makes it even harder to accept what is going on in the inside. I often tell family members to think of the person like a turtle. The shell on the outside looks perfectly fine but what is going on in that retreated "body" on the inside. We can't see just as we can't see inside our loved one. That is why it is just a waste of time to argue with them or try to do everything they ask of us because 30 seconds later they won't remember. It wears the "caregivers" down to the bone though and then when it is all over they are so physically and emotionally drained they can't hardly put one foot in front of the other. Just know that you did the best that you could and give yourself (and your daughter) a pat on the back for taking good care of her.

I think it sounds like you might need to "treat", pamper (or whatever you want to call it ) yourself. You deserve it. I don't know if you can afford it or not but maybe you and your daughter need to treat yourselves to a spa day.

Take care of yourself and get some much deserved rest for right now and then you can go back at the world.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Diane, I am so sorry. I could cry for you. The amount of loss that you have had to cope with is phenomenal. On top of the losses, you have had to deal with putting your grief on the back burner to look after your Mom, and also look after her alone. You might be hurting at your brother not visiting your Mom because it feels like he also left you alone to deal with her illness(es) and death too. I think that's how I would feel. As you say, we all react differently. I can strongly identify with mourning the loss of your dog ... it broke our hearts when we lost our wonderful dog. Someone explained to me that grief is cumulative so losing your dog, which is an awful loss in itself, is further compounded by losing both your parents, lack of support from rest of family, stress of care-giving.

A close friend of mine almost had a breakdown looking after her mother in law with Alzheimers. It is a dreadful cruel disease. It's very hard for families to not take it personally if mental health issues impact them ... even though it is the disease not the person in essence, certainly not their heart that intends to hurt you or your feelings.

My heart goes out to you

please keep posting - this place has been a life-saver to me, I really mean that.

HUGS

Boo,

Thank you for your response. I went to your blog and I just don't have the words for what you have gone through and are still going through. I have never reached out online and don 't know if I am doing this right . I know I read about Hammer but I am not sure where,if it was here or another pet loss site.

You are right about what I am feeling about my brother he did leave me to deal with all the emotional issues and I guess I do resent it. When my Dad passed my brother had a vacation planned so everything was put on fast forward and services for my Dad were put off.A week after Dads death my brother was at some Island and I was dealing with a mess. I feel like a terrible person for feeling like this and I want to let it go.

My dog Fred got me through so much and without him all this stuff is comming back. Fred died at home in our arms with me stroking his head and telling him it would be ok. My mom died in a nursing home with me stroking her brow saying it will be ok.

Diane

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh Diane, I also was holding Hammer and stroking his head, telling him, "it's ok Mommy's here", and was holding Cliff's hand, trying to keep him cooler, with a damp cold flannel, telling him that he didn't need to worry about me, that I would be alright, that I loved him, that he could rest and go to sleep.

I know how that feels. I'm sorry.

But I can also tell you that in a few months, although both those memories are still almost exquisitively painful strong memories in themselves, I have enormous comfort from the fact that both of "my boys" left this world surrounded by my love, with no pain or fear ... that I did not let them down, that I was there for them both.

I was fortunate to have family and friends who gave me amazing support in the early days, and I'm sorry that your brother didn't help you ... I know that I would feel very hurt, angry and resentful about it. There is another way to look at this ... his behaviour is out of your control, as are his reactions, his grief is different to yours and it could even be that his initial reaction to loss is denial and numbness causing him to escape. You can only control your own behaviour, and you did everything you could, including summoning the strength to let your Mom and dog go, wrapped in the security and love of your arms. If you truly love another, it breaks your heart to do this, I know ... but you can't be selfish, you have to do it for them and no one could ask any more of you.

Counselling has helped me, posting here has helped me enormously because everyone here understands what you are going through and even though they are carrying so much pain themselves, they have the empathy to help you. I have never come across such a group of caring and giving people in my life before.

I hope today is a strong day for you

xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...