The Rollar Coaster Ride

[PaulaB.]

I always considered myself to be a pretty steady, stable person. The death of my fiance Tom has left me shattered and broken in pieces. Tom passed away in June of this year after battling cancer for over a year. We only had two years together. We are both over 50, a milestone in itself. Some of my emotions through these times of turmoil have made me confused, angry, guilty, sad beyond belief that no one will ever understand and the list goes on and on. Each day is hard. Some days are better than others. Some days really suck! I know that it will get better with time at least that's what I've always been told. I think this is the first real loss that I have experienced in my whole life and that is why it is hitting me so hard. My parents are still alive and they are in their 80's. My siblings are still alive. I have one brother and one sister. I have two children from a previous marriage and they are still alive. Their father committed suicide. But his death did not affect me the way Tom's did. I was sad and I grieved for a very long time, but it didn't break my heart. The father of my children was not a very nice person and my children are still paying for some of his decisions in his life. And I guess, I am too. Life is so hard and most of the time it really doesn't make any sense. We just have to get through it and try to keep a smile on our face. Don't ask "why?". Pick up the pieces and move forward into the unknown.

Paula

[marsha]

Paula - I'm very sorry for your Tom's death. It truly is a roller coaster ride, and that goes for the cancer journey as well. My husband died 14 months ago, 4 months from diagnosis to death (billiary duct cancer). I'm 53. I thought I knew who I was, but it seemed I had to start from square one. Joe's death was devastating. Going through the raw grief, the guilt, and anger - it's something we have to go through, not around, and it's so, so difficult making sense of it. For me, talking and talking about it, as you've started to do here, helps, because I realize although we all had unique relationships, grief has a similarilty, and support is invaluable. Be gentle on yourself - hugs, Marsha

[PaulaB.]

Thank you Marsha for replying to me. I hope that you can read this reply. There are so many buttons and icons here that I'm not really sure if I pushed the right button. I'm new to this website. There was a very famous person named Jerry Seavers. He was a journalist and I don't remember who he worked for, but he wrote about his journey through cancer and he called it the "Rollar Coaster Ride". I happened upon it when Tom was first diagnosed with cancer in August of last year and it really hit home with me. I was looking for anything to prepare the both of us. To give us some answers. It did offer me some insight, but Tom refused to read it. I don't what I would have done if I had been in his shoes and I guess that none of us do until we have to cross that bridge. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. I don't know if a quick death from cancer is better than a long one. It all hurts the same in the end. I prayed the last couple of months for God to take Tom and end his suffering. Esophogeal cancer. Myself and my daughter and our friends out here are spreading Tom's ashes in a beautiful canyon in about three weeks. That's where Tom wanted to be. His family in Pennsylvania had a service out there in July. They flew me out and I attended. Tom has one brother in LA. None of the family is coming out for the service here and they won't even talk to me right now except for his brother in LA. He's not coming out, but at least he's talking to me. That hurts a lot. And there's nothing I can do to change it. Like I don't have enough abandonment issues right now! That's some of my anger coming out. Paula

[Boo Mayhew]

Paula, I'm so sorry that you lost your Tom. I have tears in my eyes while I type this to you. Because you said that your prayed for him to go, so that he would be out of pain. I told my husband that it was alright for him to go, that I would be ok, he was not to worry, that he could go to sleep.

When you love someone so much, it kills you to do it, but you can't be selfish, you have to let them go. And you did that.

My Cliff died 8.5 months ago and even though the actual memory is painful, I get a lot of comfort from the fact that I did that for him.

I hope that you too, in time, will gain comfort for what you did.

HUGS

xx