PaulaB.

Walt, Thank you for sharing this. My family goes way, way back all the way to the Revolutionary War. Between my family and my related family we have not missed being in a single war for freedom! Paula

Thank you all of you for your support. Update the address book and the phone is right! Paula =)

When Tom passed, I really thought that some things would remain the same such as friends and family relationships. I am now realizing that this is so far from the reality of the situation. His family doesn't talk or correspond to me anymore. That ended about a month and half ago. His friends are beginning to disappear, too. I think that the only thing that I can do for myself now is to re-evaluate all of these peoples impact on my life while knowing Tom. There are a very few friends that are true and I believe that they will continue to be. I spent so much time making sure that the family and friends had the material things that they wanted from Tom. What a waste of time. I didn't want to offend anyone. I always said yes. Tom's death taught me an awful lot about people and who they truly are in the long run. I will be forever grateful to him for that. No more shipping stuff back east to his family, no more worrying about how his friends view me. I'm done. I have never known this many sorry souls in my whole life. And the family and friends both bicker among themselves. Life is just too short for that and I don't want to be a part of it. I didn't fail. I just see and want something else in my life. I want peace here on earth. Paula

After watching/experiencing Tom literally waste away from Esphogeal cancer for over a year and his living hell, I was praying to God to take him out of his pain and his misery. It's the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed in my life. "Give me the Mack truck"... I was so grateful when God took him. Tom is free! Free of pain, free of chemo and radiation, free of the feeding tube. He was skin and bones when he died. It was horrible. He couldn't walk, he couldn't eat, he just waited to die. He knew he was going to and he was very brave and I am forever grateful to have known him and shared life with him. And I am very grateful that Tom is at peace. Paula

Ted, I looked up the song and it's very powerful. I watched Pulp Fiction once, it really bothered me and I didn't put it on my favorites list. I think when someone passes that we loved we can't beat ourselves up about "could have, should have, would haves". We all make mistakes. That's part of what life is all about. The important thing is "What did we learn?" and we move on as we stumble along the road of life. Be good to yourself. Paula

Tom wanted to be cremated. Through Hospice of the Valley Tom was able to find out about the Biological Resource Center here in the valley of Phoenix, AZ. Tom was a very giving person and he was so worried that he wouldn't be able to donate his body to science because of his cancer. Through this center his tissues will be used for cancer research. Even in his death, Tom is still helping someone here. He told me "Even if I can help just one person, it's worth it". God bless him for being so selfless. Paula

Ted, Some days just knock the wind right out of your sails and sometimes it can be over something really small, but it strikes a cord that resonates through your whole being. Take care of yourself. Paula

Thank you all for your support. Today was a totally different day. I'm still frustrated, but I feel more at ease for some reason. Maybe it's because I vented here yesterday and your kind words. This is definately the best place for me to be right now. No one else understands a lot of what I am going through, but you all do. Thank you! Paula

Everything seems to be so drawn out and so difficult. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and some days I just want to get in my car and drive as far away as possible and never look back. I feel like I am living Tom's life more than my own and it's making me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it. I keep running up against people and problems with his estate. I have not been able to regroup from his passing and I am so tired. I am not getting enough and very little help from his friends and none from his family. I am almost at the point of telling his family "I give up". I am tired of worrying about his family and his friends. I just want to move on with my life. I want to move out of this house and start fresh and I have to wait another couple of months to even do that. Paula

Lucia, Sometimes when life rains on us, it just plain pours buckets of pain. Be strong and my prayers are with you. Paula

For me.... I understand where you're coming from. I lost my Tom almost 4 months ago and some days, it seems like yesterday. One thing that I am learning is that none of my friends or family understand my personal pain nor do I understand theirs. I expected that they would for some strange reason in my mind. I also expected other people to understand, but they don't and they can't unless they have actually walked this road. In that respect, I have learned many things about this lonely journey. I'm moving past the "Why" about this one and I think it has to do with my previous losses and my learning to not ask that over the past few years. All of the losses are different, but it's kind of like a ladder for me. I don't know if it works that way for everyone, but it's the way it's worked out for me. One step at a time... Insensitive people are just that; insensitive and I don't even try to understand them. I used to, but I don't anymore. Paula

I think whatever helps you at the time is the most important thing. It really doesn't matter where or who it came from. It may seem unimportant to someone else, but it may mean the world to you, and that's all that really matters right now.

I cleaned out the garden shed today. This is a small task compared to my cleaning out the 30x40 ft. garage full of Tom's tools and personality which I have not even begun. I found a surprise in the garden shed from Tom. It was a oil lamp holder that he had made out of steel for oil lamps that he bought 2 years ago. He had made them for all of our friends and he was so proud of them. Spray painted them black. Finding that made my heart sing and brought me back to a happy time together. An oil lamp was there, too. I put it back in the garden shed for now; it's something that I want to keep. I don't need 4 pix-axes and at least that many shovels. I am finding that the more that I face his things and make decisions about them the lighter my heart feels. For me now, a lot of his things are just things. It's just "stuff". They are not Tom. For me Tom's most precious things, I hold in my heart forever. Paula

I would hold Tom's hands as tight as I could and look into his very blue eyes. I would touch his cheek and be grateful that I had 5 minutes of heaven on earth. Paula

Thank you so much for your support!!! I was kind of worried about posting this topic. I have to move forward. I don't know where I or my daughter will live in a very few months because of the estate issues. I'm having a yard sale here tomorrow morning, "bright and early". Tom would be so proud of me. I couldn't figure out how to hang mine and my daughter's clothes. So, I took two ladders of the same size and a metal closet rod out of the office closet which is the biggest closet and a couple of bungee cords and it worked! I have 8 feet of hanging space! And I didn't use any duct tape! My whole life got re-arranged when Tom passed away. Everything I was counting on was gone. The rug got pulled out from under me. I have to make the most of the doormats... I saw the one of the most incredible movies last night. I do Netflix; I love movies. The movie's called "Young @ Heart". I cried "buckets of tears" and I smiled and I cried again. It's an incredible film. It gave me a lot of strength about looking towards the future and making the most of it. Paula

I promised Tom that I would be OK. I made that promise to him and that is what I intend to do. I have my rough spots some days and I will never forget him and his impact on my life. He and his spirit will always be a part of me for the rest of my life. I talk to him and ask his advice, but I don't cry as much as I used to. There are even things now that are making me smile. Maybe it's because I knew it was coming and I was preparing myself for the inevitable. Maybe I will crash in a week? All I know is that Tom would not want me to be stuck in despair. Whenever I start going down that I road, I stop myself and I remember the promise that I made to Tom and it gives me great strength. I have my life ahead of me without Tom and wherever that brings me. I would want him to do the same thing, to live his life here on earth to the fullest and to find joy in every moment of it because that's what's it's all about.

Spreading Tom's ashes gave my daughter the strength to spread her father's ashes. She was with me on this trip. She is 22. Her father committed suicide 8 years ago. She sat down and talked to me this afternoon about how stuck she has been and how unwilling she is to let go of him. But spreading Tom's ashes gave her the strength and the understanding of what this process really means. The crossing of the "bridge", if you will. Once again, Tom has helped someone even in his passing....

I would pick someone that I trusted that would carry out my wishes no matter where they live. It's not a matter of expediency when it comes to someone passing and most things can be done through a fax or e-mail. I know this because I am Tom's Personal Representative for his estate and his will is in probate court. Paula

I haven't seen Tom in my dreams since he passed three months ago. I smelled a familiar smell of oil twice the week before I spread his ashes on Saturday. I was just sitting on the couch. It took me the second time to realize it. I think we just have to listen and be open to all kinds of possibilities.

I think that everyone needs to do what's right for them. It would be nice to have the security blanket for a year, but I don't have that. I live with my 22 year old daughter in my fiance Tom's house. I'm supposed to get the house, but will I? I don't know, his will is in probate. I have to look out for both of our futures. Right now it's a roof, but I have to pay the bills. Paula

Tom and I were blessed on Saturday with one of the most beautiful days in Arizona. The sky was just this most incredible clear blue. No clouds, we could see for miles. The sunshine was warm, but not hot and it was just perfect. We had 10 sandrails that went up the back road without too much difficulty. We had three rails that went up the front road. We all met at the point. There were so many people that when they walked out to the point they said "I understand why Tom wanted to be here". It's a place that you have to see with your own eyes to understand. It took my breath away and rocked my heart the first time that I saw it with Tom as it did this time, too. As it always will. It gave me a lot of joy that this was a place that Tom could share even in his passing. The eagle feather kept coming back to me and I brought it home safely. This will make more sense when you view the feelings from my heart which I handed out to everyone there... I can't figure out how to attach it.

Cleaning out Tom's clothes was one of the first things that I did. It took me awhile to do it and I needed help from 2 girlfriends when I was really ready to do it. I gave the shirt that made him smile to Goodwill to help someone else smile. I gave one of our girlfriends one of his most favorite sweatshirts and she wore it when we spread Tom's ashes this weekend. I gave the other girlfriend one of his jackets and she enjoys wearing it and thinking of Tom. I gave a motorcycle jacket to a neighbor because he's in a band and he wears it to honor his friendship with Tom. I wore his sand railing shirt this weekend because I was cold at the point spreading his ashes and I had wrapped it around the box to protect him on his journey up the mountain in a sand rail. Tom's camo sand railing hat hangs by the door...

Thank you all of you for your kind words and support. They will give me strength this weekend. I've attached two pictures here that were taken at the Dunes in California, two years ago. Tom built his own rail as did all of our friends. Tom is from PA and he moved to Arizona over 20 years ago so that he could drive his rail on the road and "put it on the dirt". Tom took me to places in the desert and the mountains that most people don't even know about because there are no paved roads, just trails. The roads are rocky and steep, sometimes muddy, but the vistas are timeless memories. This weekend we will ascend to 7 thousand feet from the valley of Phoenix, into the cool pines of Crown King. There will be rails coming up the back road which is rocky and steep and muddy. There will be rails coming up the front road which is graded. We will meet at a place called the "point". There is another railer already there. He and Tom can drive their rails together in heaven.

When someone asks you to carry out their wishes usually it involves a funeral in the traditional sense. Tom's request to have his ashes spread at Crown King, AZ has not been an easy task. There will be over 10 sand rails going up the back of the mountain and then there will be other rails and other cars that will go up the front of the mountain. I tried to get Tom's rail through emissions five times last week and it wouldn't pass. So, I am going up the back way with a mutual friend in his rail. I think Tom was trying to tell us something. We are all going to camp in the pines and the cool weather that night. And cross the bridge that we need to cross together. A Bridge Called Love It takes us back to brighter years, to happier sunlit days and to precious moments that will be with us always. And these fond recollections are treasured in the heart to bring us always close to those from whom we had to part. There is a bridge of memories from earth to Heaven above... It keeps our dear ones near us It's the bridge that we call love. ``Author Unknown I am sad. I hope that I will have the strength to do what I need to do. I have wanted to cross the bridge and at the same time there is some comfort there. Things are constant right now, even though they're not. I promised Tom that I would be OK. Some days I am, some days I'm not. I put together some thoughts for the service on paper to hand out to everyone. It came from my heart. It's unfortunate that his family will not be attending. That's there decision and their loss. Paula

Kath, I'm sorry about your Aunt. I have many fond memories of family members who have gone before me. Some wonderful stories that make me a part of who I am. Hang on to those, cherish those. My prayers are with you and your family. Paula