Getting Scared At Night

[goldsunshine897]

I wrote previously that I was feeling numb when my mom died. It took about 2 days for the reality of it to hit me. I kept walking around to my mom's favorite stores and grabbing every picture I could and making extra copies so that I wouldn't be left with no pictures of her. I came home to the silence of my apt and broke down. Who am I going to talk to now? I can try to get closer to her other relatives that I never met but it wouldn't be the same- they don't know me. It's not like talking to someone who you have history with. And now I notice that I feel a little uncomfortable looking at all these pics of my mom. It's like, my soul has accepted that she's not here anymore, but the photos make her seem real close.

At night I feel nervous and a little scared because I live alone. My mom lived in the apt above me so I rarely felt this alone before. But now I can't sleep unless all the lights are on and the tv and radio too. Mom and my sister were never that close so she's having an easier time with this- she can't relate to what I'm feeling. I'm thinking crazy thoughts about how to cope with this void, like running off and marrying the very next man I meet; just to fill the void. Or I could do something more realistic like adopting a pet- it would be great to have something to hold that would be comforting. I don't know.

[green2010]

I can relate to all your feelings. I've felt all that as well, the only thing I haven't done is I can't seem to look at my Mom's pictures very often. It just hurts too much. It's been 9 weeks for me.

My siblings also weren't as close to my Mom so they just moved on with their lives. They are also married with kids so their lives weren't like mine. I was 100 times closer to my Mom. The most support I have found is the new friends I made online who understand what I'm feeling. There are many people who adored their Moms like I did so reading their stories did help me a lot.

I think right now you are definitely vulnerable to new relationships so make sure you avoid that. I remember thinking the same thing that you are, that I could meet some man and just run away with him. That would be a huge mistake so make sure you let yourself heal before you even think about men. You don't want to end up in a worse situation.

I wish I had advice to give but I don't since I'm still where you are. I guess the only thing I can say is that if it weren't for the support I found online I don't know what I would have done.

(((hugs)))

[goldsunshine897]

Thank you so much for your kind words, actually you give great advice because you are here in this with me. We have a lot in common. I don't have a strong need to look at my mom's pictures like I did days ago because it is painful and uncomfortable now. I'm still nervous at night and the little sleep I get is with the lights on. It occured to me that I may have to move out of this building. I thought I'd be "safe" from painful memories as long as I stayed downstairs (she lived upstairs), but it isn't true. This whole building is flooded with her memories or rather her "presence". I don't look forward to the hassle of moving but it may be the only thing I can do to feel more comfortable. I'm withdrawing from the online classes I was taking because obviously I can't concentrate on them at this time. I re-registered for the Nov term- I'm hoping I'll be ready for classes then. I've been praying for strength and I believe God answered my prayers. It feels like I have accepted her death now which may be why I don't want to get but so close to the memories.

[southern eagle]

Hi there,

My name is Patti, and I am here for you. I went thru the same thing when my Dad passed a year ago. I had no one to be real with, I was afraid to say that I hurt. It put me down. I have learned this year to reach out to people who could help and share. It really does help. Talk to me and I will help you on this journey.

Blessings to you this night for a peaceful night.

[goldsunshine897]

It's been about 5 weeks since my mom's passing. It's hard to believe how quickly time is passing. The anxiety I was feeling sleeping alone at night has subsided a little but I think I should still see someone like a counselor to talk things out. I can get a few sessions with someone thru my job. Now the thing I have to do next is return her keys to the landlord. They have finished painting my mom's apartment and getting it ready to be rented again, and now its time for me to give the keys over. But everyday I keep putting it off. It's not because I want to go inside- I feel uncomfortable when I go in there now. It's just that when I give back her keys, that means its really over. I won't be able to go in again. I think its kinda silly for me to worry about this because I took out everything of hers that I want to keep. There is plenty to remember her by. It's going to be esp hard returning her mailbox key. I take out all her junk-mail and bills and throw them away. Postal service says that it will take up to 3 months to cancel all her mail. In the meantime I don't want a stranger getting their hands on it, even if it is going in the trash.

Edited September 3, 2016 by goldsunshine897
clarity

[Xiaoru]

My dad passed in May, and I too could only sleep with all the lights on and the TV on for many months. I just didn't want to deal with the darkness and silence. It will take time, be kind to yourself. It's been 5 months, and sometimes it feels like I'm doing better, but other days still hit me and bring me right back down. It will take time, but I know that it will be alright.

[emptyinside]

I always have something on in the background because I don't like silence now. I think it's okay. Do what feels right for you. A pet might be a good idea.