Death Of An Ex Spouse When You Both Are Remarried

[granny 3 times]

Septemer 21, 2009 changed my life forever. I got a call that my 44yr old ex husband had been found dead in bed. Our marriage had been over for almost 20yrs but my Love for him was still there. He was my first true Love and the Love of my life. I do Love my current husband, but it is still not the same as with the father of my children. I left after our youngest was 2 months old. We really never got along after that mostly bickering over childsuppor and visitation. He never really put much effort in seeing the children. When he did it was only hurt for them because it maybe years before he would call again. He had changed his life and started a new one. Many times he would tell me how much he stilled loved me. But we were already commited to others and I didn't want to get hurt again. Now he is gone and I am having a flood of emotions that I can't really express with my spouse. I would have went back to him had it not been for the other people in our lives. My heart is broken, any dream of us sharing our children and grandchildren one day are all gone. Help I need some kind of support. Nanaboles

[Boo Mayhew]

Granny 3 times, I'm sorry to hear of your devastating news. It doesn't matter that you split up 20 years ago, because you still loved your ex. So I'd imagine you are now dealing with "unfinished business" and emotions and regrets, sadness over the actual split, conflicting emotions, confusion etc., ON TOP OF your grief and the shock of hearing that this has happened. You may also feel anger towards your ex, but please believe me when I say that this is normal and perfectly natural. It may be hard for you to express your emotions at home, considering your husband - he may even resent your grieving of your first love. So, you have found a safe environment here. We understand, we will listen, you can vent and express your thoughts and feelings and fears here, without fear of being judged.

My friend's mom had a similar experience actually, and she kept crying for months afterwards. Eventually she sought counselling which helped her so much: the advice being - you never got to say goodbye. You never got to tell him that you loved him, even though you were apart. She said goodbye in her own way, through visiting his grave, through lighting candles, prayer, through various things that she did. She is now at peace over this, and feels as though she has said goodbye to her husband.

Please keep posting, this Forum has helped me so so much over the past 9 months.

HUGS

[laurieb]

your story sounds so much like the love my parents had for one another. they too were divorced, he had moved on but my mom always loved him and he always loved her they were together from age 13 and we received a call that he had died while on a business trip in Mexico. My mom grieved like it were her husband and the love of her life. I hope you find a safe place to share your grief and your words as this will be part of your healing. we do have the capacity to love again. God willing. but it will never be the same and for that you need to grief. As an adult child watching my mom go through the same thing, I completely understand your feelings.

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you continue to share.

Laurie