laurieb

My husband passed 15 months ago and my boys are at welcome week at college. One is in charge and a senior and the other is just starting as a freshman. The both chose the same college and the are so excited. I am so proud of them. Leaving work the other day and heading home was so unbelievably hard. No one to call, no one waiting for me, no best friend. I hate it. As I write this I realize so many have had this since the beginning and i am blessed to have my boys around. I'm just truly struggling now and find myself going to bed at 7pm. I don't want to start over! I don't want to push myself - we were so happy and I hate my life right now ? Sorry Laurie

I'm 48 and lost my husband suddenly 15 months ago. I have not taken my rings off and am not in any hurry. I do understand the concept of until death do us part. However. I still love him and after 26 years together. That doesn't change in 15 months. I feel very vulnerable still and my rings offer me strength to deal with all the other things I have to handle. Laurie

being a type A person myself, I too tried to control this and gave up about six months after Scott passed. The more I gave into my feelings and allowed myself to feel them the better I became or, more stable I became. I honestly kept thinking that if I didnt keep a perfect house, work like I didn't loose my best friend that I was or would be OK... not so... Like the wise person who posted before me. we have NO control over this and to fight it, is useless and only causes me to feel even more like a failure and... I still have the broken heart!!. this is the most significant, life changing event I will ever go through in my lift and it is simply going to take me some time... I will not conquer the passing of the love of my life and my best friend, I will just get through it, God willling, one day at a time. Laurie

Aww Kat I am so sorry, bless your heart. I am so glad your mom is going to be ok but that must have been so hard. Our son recently had a snowboarding accident and I too sat in the same er room (that Scott was taken to with his heart dissection). While we were waiting for his ct scan results, and all those horrific feelings/memories came flooding back. It takes your breath away. I am so glad you had the courage and strength to write and allow us to be there for you. Your "wound" is still so fresh and I am sure that just opened it up a bit. Please know that you will be in my prayers today. Hugs Laurie

Wow, It has happened over an over again these last 10 months since I lost Scott, birthdays, Christmas, and this month with our Anniversary (23 yrs) Valentines Day (the last holiday we spend together) and his birthday all within 2 weeks have been unbearable leading up to it and ... surprisingly enough I feel ok. With tomorrow being Valentines day, I feel ok. I don't know why either.This is not to say that I will not cry as I lay a red rose when I visit him tomorrow or say a prayer in church but I KNOW Scott loves me and even though he is not here for a hug, he is there, (I lbelieve) loving us all. I had a wonderful dream last night and I believe that might have helped me as well. He and my Grandma (who also just passed away 5 months ago), were here helping me and the boys. I cant remember what we needed help with but the comfort I woke up with was sooooo welcomed. I just wanted to share that as I feel sometimes I only write when I am feeling so blue. I am so grateful for today, the peace I feel and for all I do have. I have all of you who understand and I can't share how important it is to me to be able to move through this painful journey. Is it just me or do all of you go through the same thing with "leading up to special days" ? My heart goes out to all of you as we face Vaentines Day and everyday without our loves. Please know that you are not alone. Love Laurie

I have not been on since before Christmas. I dont think Im doing all that well. I am going to work, my nail guy asked if I "have a boyfriend" Oh my gosh! is he kidding?. I work, keep a clean house and do what ever I can for my boys. My heart is still so broken and it has been 10 months. Our anniversary is this month, Scott's birthday and Valentines day (which is that last holiday that we spent loving one another) I am so unhappy.so sad. I am able to go to friends house for dinner with one of our boys and had such a lovely time but they are so connected and in love like Scott and I were. I can't walk into a store without everyting being all about Valentines day and remembering the 2 dozen roses and beautiful card I got on that day. God I love him so much. We were so close and I will never be happy and fulfilled again. I hope you all have been well and look forward to reading the entries so I can catch up. I wish I has something to offer you all. I am trying, believe me I am. I am sorry for the un-inspiring post, I'll try to do better. laurie

Good evening my friends, I am sending all of you out there warm hugs and prayers that you find peace tonight. It is such a hard time. Marty, I join the others in thanking you so much for providing us this site to help us heal while we go through our grief journey. Merry Christmas Laurie

Sharon, Welcome here, I am so glad you found us all however I am so sorry for your loss. It is 9 months for me since I lost my husband. I am sitting here with my boys on Christmas eve. We just finished playing a game and are getting ready to play cards. We have a fire going, Christmas tree is lit and my son is playing his guitar for us. We all have a huge whole in our hearts but he is here with us in spirit during this very holy night. I am so grateful to God for the peace I have in my heart tonight. I did not expect it but I feel it. I wish all of you on this site many blessings in this coming year. No one will ever take this pain away from us but it is such a comfort to be able to come here and share and read. I can not thank all of you enough for being there for me over and over again so that I can, in turn, be there for our boys. Many blessings and Merry Christmas to you all love laurie

I was just in the store yesterday and the same thing happened. I was looking at wife cards and actually read one as Scott spent so much time buying me cards that meant so much and he use to write the nicest things. I guess I am grateful for that as I have all those memories. I want to buy cards for my family and special people but I just can't seem to do it. My heart is there but I seem to be paralyzed. I hope to get them out after the holidays. laurie

Gosh... please steal this thread with the truth that without God we don't have anything and can not get through this.. I was so touched by all your strength! I have said over and over to my friends, "this pain is so horrific that you can not get over it without faith" It certainly doesn't discount the fact that we are human and have tough days and Christmas time is also so difficult. Just last night I had to run out to the store, it was 6pm and cold and dark and something told me to go visit Scott at the cemetary. I did and there was my son by himself, standing there over Scott crying... If we think that God is not with us, steering us as well as all our loved ones... HE is! I hugged him and my 18 year old sobbed in my arms...We prayed, placed a new cross that I bought and had in my car and I felt the most wonderful peace. We left and had a nice night together as a family. They are with us! God is with us all! I have to work sometimes at that, this grief can suck me down and then I do feel so alone. I do have God and HE will help me through this. We have each other, and there is not coincidence that we are all here.. Thanks Marty T!!! laurie

I too am not sending cards this year either, I am having a hard time even receiving them as they are not to our entire family... the one I want and need. I cant even send thank you cards to all those that were so wonderful when Scott passed. I hate myself for that. God knows, I pray and thank them all the time. I have deocrated enough to be warm inside, and that is it. I am trying to honor scott and make him proud and have his presence here.. and it is. laurie

Hi All I am going to try to visit here on Christmas Eve. It was always a special time for Scott and I and our family. We always had meat fondue for dinner, gave thanks, opened one present each and laughed and talked before Scott and I played Santa. We actualy became engaged on Christmas Eve. It will be very difficult this year, like life is some.. most days Maxine, Please accept all our prayers and support. I can sympathize with your feelings. It is such a fog during those first few days/weeks I am so glad you are posting so early in your journey. I wish I was smart enough to find this site early on. We are here for you. Hugs laurie

I cant even begin to share how much I respect and admire all of you and how this forum is my lifeline some days. I sit in bed on a Friday night with a warm fire going, a household full of groceries and I actually shopped and wrapped presents today! So many of you are so similar and I don't feel so crazy, and so many more are so much further in their journey and I have something to work toward. Thank you for your love, prayers and understanding. Laurie

I know so many of the answers with my head, take it easy, don't push yourself, and on and on. I know it is Christmas and it is my first with out my Scott but I am truly so so lonely. I just returned home from a 12 hour day. I have a good job with lots of interaction and responsiblity and the day can go by relatively quickly sometimes. And then I come home and ..my reality hits and God I am so sad. It really isn't going to get better is it? I get that I will get stronger and perhaps this pain will diminish over time but my life will never be happy and fulfilled like it was.. ever! Oh my God, that reality is just so hard for me to grasp. I only have a few more months before our youngest graduates highschool and heads off to college and then my reality gets even dimmer.. I am, and always have been a home body. I love to be home, love to cook, clean and just be with my husband. we really did like one another. I don't want to figure out who I am at 48! I'm very shy by nature (although my staff would just laugh at that comment) but my personal and professional life is worlds apart. Do i just wait around and get old? I don't want to find myself, join clubs, reach out... I dont want to!!!! I want to come home to my daily hug, dinner, the "I love you" and great conversatoin with my closest friend in the world. I have always prided myself in being there for everyone else, being sensible, smart and positive...not any more. so sorry for dumping ... my reality is just overwhelming for me right now. Laurie

I admire your strength to be able to write so elequently so soon. What a wonderful woman and life you had together. I am so sorry for the incredible pain you are in. It was such a pleasure to read your post and have a glimpse into the wonderful woman she was and how blessed your life was with her. Please know that we are here for you in the days and months to come. It has been a very long 8 months since the loss of my husband and I said it then, and I say it now, "I will never ever find another love like the one I had with him." It was a "once in a lifetime" love and I was very blessed. I will carry all that love and all those blessings and memories for the rest of my life. I am not sure what God had in store for me or how he will use me to help others but I have not changed my mind and my heart is still very very connected to my husband. Please don't blame yourself as it sounds like you did everything that you possibly could. God Bless and we are all here for you Laurie

Hi Maxine. I am so so sorry for your recent loss. My heart goes out to you. I can identify with your pain and grief. If we didn't love so much we wouldn't grief so much. It sounds like you are in good care with your support network and physicians. We will also be there for you. We all know similar pain. My husband died suddenly of an aortic dissection at 49. It is still such a shock and one that i want to be fake. I want to wake up from this nightmare and have my Scott hugging and loving me. I hope you have a faith as that has also helped me tremendously. I believe that my Scott is in a better place and at peace and every day is one more day I get closer to him. He is not behind me but in front of me until God decides it is my time to join them. In the meantime, I will do my very very best (and some days are so very hard) to honor him, my love for him and the wonderful boys we have together. When you are ready and if you want, please share with us about him. I journal, go to a grief share support group and have many grief support books on my nightstand (when I can read). Just be kind and gentle to yourself. It is said that we are going through an emotional intensive care and we need to treat ourselves like that. Even if the outside world expects different from us. Remember that grief can dehydrate you so drink lots of water and take baby steps. We understand and want to keep hearing from you Hugs, Laurie

Korina, Every time you respond to a post and share about your Scott, it is uncanny how similar they were. My Scott also spoiled me with lots of presents and was so excited to watch me open them... although he had such a hard time keeping a secret. He wanted to tell me everything he got when; he got it because he was soooo excited.. it was so cute... I can not image your pain with your daughters first Christmas and am so glad you are going to be with family... Christmas was our favorite Holiday. We loved to be together, do for others, shop, be with our boys and so so many traditions and now I walk through the malls by myself, go to bed 7pm .. I just can't seem to move on without him.. even though I am. I HATE it. I don't have young children that give you a reason to stay on a schedule and force you to accept that they need you. My boys are older and don't need me every day like an infant does and Im not ready or willing to reach out... It is so uncomfortable. We were each other's best friend and now what.. aloneness...yippee!! Laurie

The weeks leading up to Thanksgiving were just so horrible, I didn't think I would make it through the pain. That morning, our boys left to play their traditional football game and I was in the house all by myself with the parade on. Very few calls came in as people were too afraid to say "Happy" Thanksgiving.. I guess. My own mother never called... can't say I come from a "functional" family. I cooked a turkey, ham, stuffing (although I didn't cook Scott's favorite oyster stuffing) and all the works. The boys came home, we watched football, enjoyed one another, ate and then went to see the movie "Old Dogs" It was so good to laugh while passing the time. I made it! Now it is Christmas time and I decided to continue to fight. Fight not to give into this paralyzing pain, I (we) loved Christmas time, for all the spiritual blessings of the season, for all the warmth that is around this time of year. It is different, and I am so very alone but Scott is with me in spirit and when I hear the music playing, the tree lit and a fire going, I feel his warmth in our house again. Although it isn't the same, it never will be, I want the blessings of this season for our boys. I have not sent out cards, I have not decorated every space of our house like we used to but I am doing what I can and I am making it. By not doing anything, was making me miserable and was certainly not paying any tribute to our love or lives together. I attended a remembrance mass for Scott and my grandma last night. It was so beautiful, we lit candles, mad ornaments and placed them on the tree in church. We are not alone, there were so many people there sharing the loss of their children, spouses, siblings, parents, and friends. I am able to hear music now and smile. There is a great pamphlet called Surviving the Holidays on www.griefshare.org that has helped me and I tell all them about this website too! God Bless all of you out there, sorry for going on. I am just sending hugs and sharing where I am at ... for today Laurie

we are doing a memory tree this year. we are having everything about scott on the tree. his hat, sun glasses, headphones that he walked around listening too, his favorite color ornaments, and garland. It is the ONLY way i can even handle getting a tree or putting up any decorations at all. laurie

massage envy has several locations all across the country - my sister in colorado goes to one there, my mom goes to one in connecticut and there is are many here in virginia . very professional, warm beds and many different types of massage to choose from. It helps the stress!! and yes it helps the sleep too. good luck laurie

Gosh, I must be so far behind all of you in my journey of healing. It has been 8 months since I lost Scott and I am 48 years old. The thought of any other man touching me makes me want to vomit!! Getting a massage from a woman as wide as she is tall is just a healing, spiritual 50 minutes for me. I pray the entire time and think about Scott. My 22 years with him was everything to me and we had a wonderful relationship .. in all areas!! and I will never find that again. The combination of physical, mental and spiritual is a "once in a lifetime" for me. It took us all 22 years to work at, and improve on!! . I agree that we were all young and that physical didn't need the emotional but it sure does now and when you have had the best, it can't be recreated. The loneliness is just horrendous and that pain is just debilitating some days but I am in no way going to sell myself short or the relationship that I had just to think it will somehow make me feel better. It just isn't me. I do understand that we are all different, have had different relationships, different lengths of those relationships and have different needs. I am in no way judging anyone, it just isn't me... for today. Thank you all for you brutal honesty as this was a good topic for me. Laurie

Hi Deb. Since my Scott went to heaven, I have been getting massages twice a month. Scott used to rub my back every single night until I fell asleep (yes, I know how blessed I was) The massages have helped me sleep, heal and yes, even grieve. The first few, I cried the entire time but that was healing too. I reminds us to drink water, to slow down, to feel and to not ignore our pain like the outside world is expecting us to do. I recommend everyone to try this. You can pay more in prescriptions, co-pays and missed time at work all due to grief, so to me it is so worth it. I used to drag Scott out with me to black friday shopping at 4-5 every year and he did so with a cup of strong coffee and a kiss as it was import to me and he was my best friend. This year, I could not do it as I would be in the mall, by myself, in the dark hysterically crying. So, I waited until it was light and then I went. While I was shopping, I passed a salon, I walked in and asked them to wash and dry my hair and gosh that was the best thing I did. I have long hair and it felt so nice to relax for a minute, drink my water and have someone else dry and style my hair. It was the best 20.00 I spent yesterday and I felt better. I guess it is all about putting the focus on ourselves so we can continue to move on and give to our families through these hard, difficult times. My heart is so broken without my very very best friend and I am trying so hard to honor him and be a good mom to our boys. Some days I feel so so completely alone in this world! We decorated every space in this big house and this year I just don't care and don't want to do anything but put a tree up. A tree that will be dedicated to Scott and our lives together. I am so comforted by the love that each of you share on this site. We all have so many similarities in the love we shared. There are so many others out there that don't even appreciate their spouses and what they have. My love and blessings to all of you and thank you for your post Debbie Laurie

Linda, It is my first Thanksgiving without my Scott and you are so right. I will never be the same. My daily chore is to find out who I am now and how to go on without the love of my life and my very best friend. We were so so close, we had so many traditions and were at the wonderful place in our lives where our sons were getting older and we found each other all over again. We actually loved each others company! This is a very painful time without all our best friends. I am so happy that I found out this site to help me through this process. laurie

Kath You are my angel for today. Thank you so much for your comforting words. We may not get what we want, but we do get what we need today. God Bless you! Laurie

Korina, My heart goes out to you, and your are right. no one knows what we are going through but each other. they don't have a clue. Nancy, I was at a griefshare support group Friday night and the topic was "how to survive the holidays" they gave us a book with daily devotionals, some ideas and it was so helpful for me. There were others that had 45 years together, others that lost their babies and this is the Hardest time ever for all of us. It brings all those traditions back to the feeling like someone is taking our heart out of our chest. The pain is palpable. Please try to find this on line www.griefshare.org/holidays to see if it might help please know you are not alone and we are hear for you just through words and not hugs, but we are here and you are not alone! hugs laurie