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What is up with me? I've been feeling like I'm not in my real skin. I feel like a shell of a person. I also feel antsy sometimes, like I want to go move in with my family, who live far away. Sometimes I really want to jump on a plane and go live with family for a few years. I just feel like being surrounded by people, family. I visited them a couple months ago, spending a month with them. Sitting around the TV. Going to restaurants. Going to stores together. They were trying to cheer me up. I was handling some hard business on my own, but at least they were all there when I got back. I felt much more relaxed then; I felt like if I fell, they'd be there for me. Sometimes just knowing that a railing is there is enough to prevent you from toppling over. Does that make any sense? I'm largely on my own here, with the nearest family far away. I have my mom, but it's not enough. I feel like I need more people around me on a permanent basis. This is weird...lots of my friends live on their own, far away from family. They're fine with it. I have one friend who lives with her very big family because she's unmarried (it's part of our cultures to do that); I envy her a lot. They all have their own lives, but at night they all eat dinner together to catch up. If a crisis arises, she can call any number of them, and within minutes help is there. I never had feelings like this until I lost my dad. I feel extremely empty and vulnerable. I know it's probably better to be independent and everything, but I just feel I need my support system nearby for a very long time. I think its part of who I am. You know how we say grief is so personal and individual, and healing is a journey that's different for everyone? I think I found that my journey is to heal with family at home. :( I think pushing myself to do everything alone, to get over grief, to jump back into my old life without my biggest cheerleader (dad) would devastate me, and I'd end up shooting myself in the foot. But I don't know how to achieve what I need. :(

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Hi Em, can you look into the possibility of studying in the country and area where your family live? Or taking a year out to work there perhaps? I don't know if you speak the language even, but why not explore the different options? It could turn into a positive adventure and experience for you. Your Dad's family would doubtlessly welcome you into the fold with happiness. I would if you were my family :-)

HUGS

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I would like to offer a different perspective. Who says it is better to be independent and everything? There is no shame in living with family. This is what families are all about. If you think it would be good for you, I say go for it. If it isn't working out, you'll know it. And you will change it at that time.

Perhaps some of us in life need a little more family support than others. To be truthful, I sure could use a little more support myself at this time. But I know what the reality of life is.

If this is something that can be a workable reality, I say go for it.

DeeGee

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