Distractions

[JonKoisMom]

I was writing in my journal the other day about a major change I did with my hair. I went from a very light blonde Bob to a dark brown cropped style.(Like Demi Moore in the movie Ghost). I have never had my hair so short! Everyone who sees it for the first time does a double-take and tells me how good it looks on me and how much younger it makes me look. As I was writing about this change, I wrote that it was a pleasant distraction. I actually started wearing a little makeup and putting on earrings. If only a new Do could change our inside. I've passed the 3 month mark(I don't like referring to it as an anniversary because in my mind, anniversaries should be happy.) My son's headstone is finally in place. It hurt that none of them would go back with me to clean the mud off it and place flowers. I really feel alone in my grief at home. So, I had just enough anger in me to not care if any of them liked my hair or not because I NEEDED a change, a distraction and you know what, it felt good! When I went to the cemetery, I could imagine Jon saying "WOW Mom, I love it!" and that is just how he was. Never belittled people, always supportive. I miss him so much.

[MartyT]

Good for you, Kathy! And I'm glad you feel Jon's approval and support.

[Boo Mayhew]

Kathy, anger makes you not care if the rest of the family likes your new "look", but love will drive you to keep applying the makeup, to get the new cut trimmed to retain its shape. Do it for Jon. Everything I do, I do for Cliff, and no other reason - you have inspired me yet again. Sending you my love, Boo xx

I was writing in my journal the other day about a major change I did with my hair. I went from a very light blonde Bob to a dark brown cropped style.(Like Demi Moore in the movie Ghost). I have never had my hair so short! Everyone who sees it for the first time does a double-take and tells me how good it looks on me and how much younger it makes me look. As I was writing about this change, I wrote that it was a pleasant distraction. I actually started wearing a little makeup and putting on earrings. If only a new Do could change our inside. I've passed the 3 month mark(I don't like referring to it as an anniversary because in my mind, anniversaries should be happy.) My son's headstone is finally in place. It hurt that none of them would go back with me to clean the mud off it and place flowers. I really feel alone in my grief at home. So, I had just enough anger in me to not care if any of them liked my hair or not because I NEEDED a change, a distraction and you know what, it felt good! When I went to the cemetery, I could imagine Jon saying "WOW Mom, I love it!" and that is just how he was. Never belittled people, always supportive. I miss him so much.

[JonKoisMom]

You know, the past few days have been tearful for me. I feel like I'm now in this giant pity party. I was supposed to meet a couple of the ladies from work at our co-workers viewing but I waited 15 minutes, which felt like hours and finally went in to see her alone. Other co-workers were there that knew about my loss, I even mentioned how difficult it was for me so soon but not one of them offered a hug or to go in with me. When I saw her, it took everything in me to get outside so I could cry. I go to church and work. The one day that I could be a service, my husband decided to go out shooting with our sons. That's good for all of them but I feel so alone. My Dad was always a loner. He would go in his room and stay all day when my Mom was alive, he even had his own refrigerator in his room. When Mom died, he talked and talked, and would tell the same stories over and over. I was the daughter that would go over to take him a hamburger and shake and sit and listen. My sister would pick up groceries and drop them off but wouldn't visit. I too have been to myself for years. With all the stress and mental stuff in my family, and working full time, I haven't had energy or time to invest in friendships. When the last church I was a part of closed their doors, I decided the next church I joined would be to serve so I committed to the children. I love working with them but again I'm distanced from adults and don't have time(or energy) to go to additional meetings to get to know anyone. Now, here I sit, watching my Granddaughter crying not only for my son that died but for all the relationships that have'nt been in my life.