Missing Ben

[Lucia Abeytia]

It will be 9months this Sat since i lost Ben...I will also be my son Relles 30th birthday....But i miss Ben more now than i did when he first left...His birthday was this month and maybe thats why i am missing him more...my health seems to be going down hill i went to the cadilogist yesterday and she said that he thinks i may have emphazima i have smoked for so many years now i am down to 2 cig. a day i am trying really hard but some days are easier than others....I just cry for no reason at all sometimes the kids just mention Ben's name and i start to cry...i feel bad because they are at the point where they are afraid to mention his name for fear i will cry and that makes me sad because i want them to remember there dad...So many things remind us of him...When we get together which is often we always remember little things about him like the foods he liked or how he loved to play with the grandchildren!!!When will i be able to think of him without crying?

[Maryo]

Hi Lucia,

Later on in my evening I stopped for a moment and realized that I did not spend the whole day thinking about my husband. I also have not cried today. Tomorrow might be different but it felt good for today. It does not mean we forget but to me it shows I am healing, so yes a time will come when you don't spend the whole day crying.It took my daughter a while to mention her Dad because she was grieving also and she needed time.

Cutting down to 2 cigarettes is a great accomplishment and you should be proud.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Korina]

Hi, Lucia:

I am sure it is hard for your children to see you cry; but if this is something that you need to do, have you told them that talking about your Ben is important to you, even if it means tears? I am only at 4 months, but I cry practically everyday. And I recently spoke to a friend who lost his wife over a year ago - he still cries everyday. But maybe the tears help to get us through our grief. And eventually to make the sadness and loneliness ease. And while I often cry at memories, there are other times when I remember him with a smile. And sometimes a mixture of a smile and tears.

And congratulations for cutting down to 2 cigarettes a day! You should be proud. I am sure Ben is. Just this evening, I attended an AGM for a civic political party of which I am a member. I wasn't going to, but then I thought it would be good to get out, and to keep up some of my political connections (Scott was very politically inclined and astute, and was extremely proud of me when I was elected to a political office 4 years ago - one friend said "he was your biggest fan"). So I also had it in my mind that I wanted to keep making him proud. I almost started crying when one of the girls there this evening said to me that Scott would be proud of both of us (I brought our 8 month daughter along).

Keep taking care of yourself.

Korina

[laurieb]

My Scott celebrated 7 months in heaven this week and it is hard, so hard. I still cry and some days it is just horrible but there are others.... where, Thanks to God, I am able to go a day and not cry. God only knows I am still in love with my husband and so very lonely but I am pushing myself to keep moving for our boys and for Scott. It is very hard to do without your best friend. I look forward to being able to talk about him or remember him and smile instead of cry. I feel like I will have reached a different level in my healing when I can do that. For today, I can not.

Congratulations on your journey to quit smoking Lucia, given what you are going through, it is quite amazing. Celebrating your son's birthday will probably help as you will have much to celebrate and be happy for.

God Bless

Laurie

[kath]

Dear Lucia,

I wish there was a time limit to grief, it would give us an end date, something to "make it to." Unfortunately, it takes as long as it does and where you are at is right where you need to be. It may be uncomfortable for your kids to see you cry, but it is so important. My youngest was only nine and he couldn't believe that I could keep talking about his dad. I assured him that is how I keep him alive within us. Tears release the fears, the uncertainty, the joy, the sorrow, the pain, the laughter, the lonliness, the accomplishments and all the rest. We hold back to appear strong, but it is in the freedom of crying that comes our strength. It sure doesn't seem like it while we are in the thick of it, but it will lessen over time, in your time.

Take good care,

Kath