LindaKoz Posted October 16, 2009 Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 I'm just wondering if I will ever have good days again. I made the decision not to go to work today. I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've not been able to get myself to sleep in our bed so I sleep on the sofa with the tv on all night -- it's not really a restful sleep. Today is a dreary, rainy day and I just wanted to stay in Brian's clothing and retreat from the world. I will be seeing some friends tonight (they are going to pick me up) so I'm really permanently withdrawing. Sometimes I just want to be by myself with my memories. Hoping this is normal. I'm also a seminary student so I keep trying to find time to focus on my studies. Brian was my biggest supporter and he told me I was going to be a great Pastor some day. Right now I'm working on an assignment but I have to do small amounts at a time. The passage I've chosen to explore is Romans 8:26-39 which speaks of the Holy Spirit offering comfort and the fact that nothing -- not even death -- can separate us from the love of God. My professor directed me to this passage for the assignment and I do find some solace as I explore the meaning. I'm not angry at God because I view God as all-loving and always present. And, I know that God comes to me in the form of the many angels who make sure that I eat, sleep, and breathe. So, where can I direct my anger? I'm not mad at Brian -- he just didn't realize how sick he was. I'm not mad at myself because I didn't know either. We thought he had the flu and would be better in a few days. Should I just be mad at the fact that we are humans and not able to cure all illnesses? Should I just let go of the anger and try to focus on healing? Sometimes I feel like I am not going to get through this. I just want to scream and cry and mostly want him back. I guess I needed to get some of these thoughs out of my head. It helps me to write them down. So glad I found this place where I can be me and learn how to live again. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted October 16, 2009 Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 Linda: What you are going through sounds completely normal. At first, I wouldn't go to bed until I was completely exhausted. This is when I had family with me, and I would subject them to talking/crying into the wee hours of the morning. I am so lucky to have their support. I didn't really sleep after those first few days for about a month. I was staying at my mother-in-laws for a couple of weeks before and after the funeral, and my mind just wouldn't let me sleep. When I returned home, I couldn't go back to our bed, at first. I also would fall asleep watching tv, and then go to the couch beside our daughter's crib. Finally, one night in our daughter's room, I actually fell asleep. And now, though I watch the tube into the morning, I do sleep in our bed (usually with tears before sleep). And most days, it was very hard to do anything but care for my daughter. And at times, I just had to put her in the crib and lie on the couch. I didn't feel like I could move, and I just needed to lie there. But then one day, I decided I needed to get out, and we did. I try not to push myself into socializing, but there are times and events that I know will be helpful. I also know that being around people is good for my daughter, so that gets me moving. As for anger, at first, I didn't feel any anger, either at Scott or God or the doctors etc. I still don't feel angry most times, but when I do, I don't hesitate to direct it at God because I know he (she?) can take it. And I also feel angry at Scott at times, but that is mostly because I miss him so much. It is as much loneliness as anger. I believe he understands, wherever he is. My problem is I am mad at myself quite a bit for not saving him - he died from complications of his struggle with alcoholism. This is something I need to deal with. Go ahead and scream (I have screamed into a pillow), pound on the bed, it may help! And keep coming back here because it is safe. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kavish Posted October 16, 2009 Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 Hi Korina and Linda, I feel that I although I also was not able to save my best friend, Dabby, I do feel her strength in me to take care of things now, being more responsible towards her and acting likewise. So I do not feel bad as I know she is guiding me through this and Scott and Brian are there for you two as well if I may say that. regards, Kavish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted October 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2009 I'm sitting on the sofa knowing that I should get dressed and ready for Sunday School and Church. But, I just cannot seem to get motivated. It's just so hard to go on some days. Last night my son and four of his friends hung out at our home. We stayed up talking and laughing until about 1:30. It really warmed my heart that they were willing to be with me. And, nobody tried to change the subject when I spoke of Brian. But then as I was ready to fall asleep, the thought came back to me that Brian should have been with us. He was the life of any family get together. Today will be another bittersweet day. Four of Brian's five children and two of his three grandchildren will be coming over later this afternoon. It's always comforting to see them and besides my son, they are the people who knew Brian the best. But, there is also sadness because, again, he should be with us. Right now we should be talking about what we are making for dinner (Brian was the cook in our family). We should be getting ready for church together, the heading to the gym, and finally getting the house straightened up for when everyone comes over. Why did this happen to us? We loved each other so very much and I just don't know how to keep going on day after day after day. Sometimes it enters my mind that each day I get through brings me one day closer to being in his arms again. I just long for the time when we can be together. This doesn't mean that I will do anything stupid because that would just be too hurtful to my son and my other family and friends. It's just that I miss him so much and want to be with him. How will I get through this without the many who was my comforter? How can I continue to go on without my main supporter? How can I get through life without my soulmate and my love? Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryo Posted October 18, 2009 Report Share Posted October 18, 2009 Hi Linda, You asked a great question "Why did this happen to us." It's ok to take a day off because our body tells us to take a break.I tell myself to take one day at a time. I lost my husband 14 months ago and I still have many questions unanswered. I hope your religion, and family is a great comfort to you as it has been to me. Take care. Mary Lou Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted October 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 Well, today turned out to be comforting. I love Brian's grandson. He told me that he loves me soooooooooo much and missed me. Next Saturday I'm going to pick him up in the afternoon and he'll spend the night with me. He's almost five and he just really warms my heart and puts a smile on my face. I'm really glad that Brian's children want to keep in touch with me. We already made plans for next Sunday. I know deep in my heart that Brian was looking down on us tonight and smiling becase most of the people who he loved dearly were together. I just really wish he had been here in person. Thanks for all of the support and the affirmation that everything I feel is in the realm of "normal." Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 Children have such a way of bringing comfort! I know that on the hardest days (ie - our anniversary was just over a month after Scott died), that he was with me, helping get through the day. At the beginning, I remember standing in the shower, sobbing, realizing that at that moment, I didn't care if I lived or died. I just wanted to be with him, again. I was not about to do anything stupid, either, as I have a daughter to care for, and many others who care for me, but it just hurt so much. I found as well, however, that I no longer feared death as I once did. Keep going one day at a time. My Scott made me strong, and though I rail everyday at being in this position, I will continue on, raise our daughter as I promised him, and try to live my life in a way that would make him proud. I miss him dearly. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted October 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 Morning and nights are the worst. I sit here again trying to get myself motivated to get ready for work when all I really want to do is crawl back under the covers, fall asleep, and pretend my life has not taken this horrible turn. I miss Brian so much. Right now he would be leaving for work and I should hear him calling to me "Bye sweetie, have a nice day." I miss his smile, I miss his words, I miss his hugs, I just miss everything about him. I miss my text messages as I'm leaving for work which usually would say "I love you so much and you are so beautiful. Love me forever." Well, I will love him forever and I will miss him forever. I just didn't know that I would be here by myself. I thought we have many many more years together. I try to remember to take babysteps and not to look to far into the future. But when I forget, I just get this overwhelming sadness at what my life will look like. Yesterday my son told me that I was strongest woman he knew. I told him I didn't think I was very strong. He reminded me that I raised him by myself -- I told him his dad (we've been divorced for 17 years) was also in his life. He told me he knew that I was the one who did all of the hard work and that he was proud to have me as his mom. His words are sweet and I know that he realizes all of the sacrafices I made. I also know that he's worried about me. He saw the love between Brian and me blossom. He told me he could see how much Brian loved me and how much I loved him. He told me that we were perfect together. I just cannot understand how I could find the perfect man and then lose him after 3 1/2 years. My mind cannot make any sense of this loss. I guess time will heal or soften this wound. So for now, I'll breathe, rest, and try to go on. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrm Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 We definitely are going to have setbacks. Just when I think I'm okay, some memory either of something fun we did or some plan we had for the future pops into my head and the tears come. It's only been 3 months since Duke died in the motorcycle accident. I'm due for my checkup November 12 and I pray my back and leg are fine. I'm feeling stronger but still cannot do what I use to. One suggestion is to accept all the help you can. People are so willing to help and even a little errand makes them feel good also. I love having Duke's pictures and "Stuff" around. They give me comfort. The bed is where I get comfort also, I really feel he hugs me throughut the whole night. Sleeping well is important because grieving really is exhausting. I give thanks for finding this site for we have a "shoulder to write on"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted October 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 I've not yet found the courage to sleep in our bed. I've been sleeping on the sofa and I know that I'm not getting enough uninterrupted sleep. But I just find the thought of laying in the bed we used to share so overwhelming and sad. I don't know if I can be there by myself. Too many memories which will bring tears. Reminders that the alarm clock won't be going off early for him and he won't be wrapping his arms aound me and holding me close after I hit that snooze button just one more time. I won't ever hear him joking about the fact that even though he was twice as large as me I took up most of the bed and almost all of the covers. Or, he won't be "complaining" when I wake up in the middle of the night and turn on the tv because I can't sleep and then it wakes him up. And, he never really complained about these things . . . he actually loved me in spite of all of this. He was just so happy that we met and were sharing our lives together. I miss everything about Brian. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrm Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 Your Brian sounds like my Duke. He always complained I had the whole bed, etc. Doesn't it make us smile to remember that. Oh I know I'm sad and the tears fall on the pillow every night but when you've had many years together there are so many good memories to make us smile and laugh. I just read on one of the sites "I cried a tear into the ocean, the day you find it is the day I'll stop missing you" Just love it. God Bless and give you strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted October 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 You're right. As the memories come flooding into my brain, I do smile and then the tears roll down my cheeks. There are so many conflicting emotions going on in my body -- I guess that's part of the grieving process. But the tears are healing also. I hope that someday there will be more smiles than tears but I also know deep in my heart that I will miss Brian forever. Our love was that special. Thanks for sharing. Prayers and blessings to you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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