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I Just Lost My Mother... And I Am So Lost Now.


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I don't know where to start. I received a call on December 23rd at 5pm from David my stepfather. He came home and my mom was laying next to the bed. He called 911 and then me. She was already gone before he got home. He had talked to her at 4:15 and she was doing fine. I left the house in a panic. And called Danyeal to tell her and pick her up on the way out. She called her mom to come get our kid and be with him while we went up. It was the longest and hardest drive I have ever made. Knowing my mom was gone. It still hurts so much right now.

The past days seem to have blurred together. And i know it is only going to get worse for a while. We got up there that evening and all i could do for a while was walk around the house, everywhere in there i saw nothing but memory's of my mom. Things i knew she enjoyed having around her, seeing things that i remember helping her get. or stuff that David had bought for her that made her so happy to have. She loved her doll collection, and her TY babies. Also her Coke collection.

i do not think any of us slept more then 30 min that night. i know i got up several times just to walk though the house, to sit in my mom's chair ...

i found the grocery list she had made for her and david to go to the store when he got home that evening, she had even included black olives on there. because garrett was coming up there to stay with them after christmas.

the next morning we went to the funeral home to make final arrangements. My mom always told us she wanted to be cremated and to have her ashes spread out on her rose bed at the house ... so that is what will be done. i will be bringing some of her to monroe though, to also let some of her be with my Bubu at his final resting place.

i got to go in and see her one last time ... i miss her so much ...

we came back to monroe later on that day to pick up garrett (and so that danyeal and garrett could do christmas at her moms house) ... while they were doing that i went to St. Pauls for their candle light service ... my mom always thought of that place as our home. because that is where her parents were founding members of. i met up with my god mother, Carolyn Trawick. and sat with her.

the next morning we went up early to spend the day with david on Christmas. most of the time for the first few hours i could not stop crying, seeing the gifts she had bought, and seeing the gifts that she wanted but would never get to have.

i opened up the gift that we had gotten for her ... a miniature coke lunch box ... and put it up on the shelf with her other coke stuff ... where i know she would have placed it.

i cried the most when i emptied my stocking ... one that she had made for me when i was barely 2 years old. in it she had a sonic gift card (she always gave me some sort of food card) with a note attached to it apologizing because she could not give any more. i never wanted her to give me anything. but she always insisted. and now it seems trivial.

a little later on i used my cell phone to record her voice off of the answering machine. so i would have it to remember her with later on... i got a surprise that made me cry again, she had just updated the message to wish everyone a merry Christmas. it felt like she was talking straight to me.

David also told me that he was not taking his wedding ring off, and said that he is still married. Only now he is married to an Angel.

we have left garrett up there to spend the week with david and let him have someone to talk to.. i know it is hard for everyone right now, but i can not help but worry about david.

i do not know what i am going to do ... she is gone, she has moved on ... but i miss her and love her so much.

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Dear One, I am so sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved mother, and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and the rest of your family, coming as it did so close to Christmas. Please accept our deepest sympathy, and know that we are thinking of you . . .:(

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these past couple of days leading up to her memorial service have been mixed ... i have done a lot of crying and talking and exploring ...

all i can say i have discovered is that i love her, and i will miss her forever ... and there is going to be an empty hole in my chest till the day i die ... because there is nothing or no one out there that can replace the bond and relationship that i had with her ...

it is one day at a time for sure right now ... the drives to work in the morning are real hard, because i always tried to call her in the morning time while on the road ... and if i didn't talk to her then i tried to call on the way home again ...

at night time it is even worse .. because then i am just filled with emotions ... i know i should just accept and move on but dammit ... it just isn't fair ...

i know she will always be with me in my mind ... she has always been there ... but what i am missing the most right now is the actual conversations that we would always have ... and just hearing how she was doing and hearing her response to what was going on at the time ... that is what is hurting me the most right now ...

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hi, Freddy Lea. I'm so sorry about your loss. I lost my mom two years ago and I know that lost feeling very well. I also have periods where I feel terrified that she is not in the world, even though I am 50 years old, can take care of myself just fine, there's is something primal about losing one's mother. I think it touches all of our most basic fears to lose a parent. Who will take care of us if things get truly rough? And it is also very scary to start to feel one's own mortality. The world has taken on a much more serious, harsher tone since I lost my mom, and I doubt that it will return to the lighter, happier place that I knew. I think that is just part of life. I think in time, the pain will diminish, but there will always be a hole. As time goes by, I wonder if we just learn to live with more holes in our hearts. Perhaps.

If you can find a grief group around, it can be a big help just to hear what others are going through and have support, much like this site offers.

Alden

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Freddy Lea, I am so sorry for your loss. Moms ARE special. If it wasn't for your Mom there wouldn't be a Freddy Lea. Just remember she will always be with you. She would want you at this very moment to take time for you. You are going on the grieving journey with us and your friends here on this site will always be here for you. Get plenty of rest and eat. Keep up your strength. I lost my Dad of a massive heart attack in 1995. He was my mom's caretaker (she being in a wheelchair with rheumatoid arthritis). She followed him the next year dying of a stroke. It has taken all this time to get over the grief of losing them. Just when I thought I could handle having holidays at my house again, I lose my Duke of 41 years in our motorcycle accident. Now the grief is back to 3 x of tears and heartache. I do believe we must have faith in God to lead us and care for us on this journey. God bless you. Jude

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