Isolation Of Grief

[LindaG]

I'm finding this week to be more of a trial than last week. Last week was busy with family and preparation. My mind could drift from the pain at times. This week has brought me to my knees. I met my husband on New Year's Eve 2000. We were married in January of 2001. No one in my immediate support team can offer any words to lighten this tremendous sadness.

I feel completely isolated no matter how many people are with me or reach out via the phone and e-mail. I actually feel worse this week than I have since he first passed in October. Is this normal?

We did not have any children - so I am the one left. His family is out of state. His Mom sends me an e-mail everyday that just makes me cry and feel worse. Not her intention but I think she is leaning on me to help her thru. Not sure what I can do about that either but I am concerned as it is taking a toll on me.

I've made a decision to move closer to Boston in late February - mostly due to the job market in my area and the need to find more opportunities. The house we shared feels like it is closing in on me at times and the amount of rent that I pay alone does not make sense financialy to continue.

I just feel like an island in this process. Those who do not acknowledge Joe is gone and pretend all is normal drive me nuts. Is anyone else sensing any of this - and if you have - how do you cope?

Thank you.

- Linda G

[Sharon3]

I totally get it Linda.....this week is worse, like you say we were distracted by the busy stuff of the holiday and now we are alone with our thoughts again. This mother-in-law thing has to change. You have to be up front with her without damaging the relationship if that is possible. I know after my husband passed away, my sister-in law came over with pictures. I had to tell her to put the pictures away ....she loves to look at them and I can't bear it even today. We all grief differently and you have to do what is right for you. I know some people find comfort in the home they shared...I couldn't get out of mine fast enough.....I put our house up for sale 4 months after my husband passed away and it was right for me...I felt like a caged animal ...every corner every minute, every day mountains of grief in our house. I am not as anxious now tht I have moved. I also experience people who act like nothing happened to me or act like I should be over it.....I actually got Christmas cards from people wishing me a Merry Xmas with no mention of my first xmas without my husband. I see a grief counsellor, but not often enough...she is very busy so I only see her once every 3 weeks but she has helped me so much. I also have a wonderful son who cares and listens....but unless you have lost your spouse it is hard to relate to the island you speak of. I have tried very hard to make a new path but it is exhausting because I am still overcome with my loss. I just found this forum and am finding some comfort in sharing experiences.....it is less of the island you speak of when you can share your grief with people who have shared the same loss .............

[kath]

Linda,

You've been slammed with some really big anniversaries in a short time. Yes, what you are feeling is normal. It is these times that grief work becomes too much of a reality. It won't always feel this bad, but the waves can definitely capsize us. I found a grief support group to be really helpful in the first year, though I haven't been able to continue because of my job. Having face to face contact, especially through tears, helped so much. It was there I met people that experienced firsthand the love and loss that I had. They got it. By being there and sharing their stories, even when I couldn't talk, was a trememdous support. I encourage you to look for one in your area. I was 48 years old and most everyone else was between 70-90. Age didn't matter. They knew my pain and were there to listen. Just like here, but with live hugs.

Kath

[MHO419]

Hello,

I feel like I can't talk on this forum because I feel numb. The pain is too much for me to handle so I have been coping using denial. I can't handle this emotional rollercoaster. I read all of the posts from everyone and I see the love and compassion that each of you have for each other. It is such a beautiful thing.

My husband passed away October 22nd. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life and I've been through quite alot. (I was in the Air Force for almost 10 years and spent alot of time in the middle east) I never, ever thought I would be a widow at 32 years old. My heart is broken into a million-billion pieces.

I was holding his hand and stroking his hair when he took his last breath. I was telling him it's ok to go with God and I will be ok but I will miss him.

He was suffering so much pain, it broke my heart to watch as I took care of him during his last 6 days while he was in Hospice. The liver cancer had grown so fast and so large that it choked itself. But the liver was so damaged that even if we could have gotten rid of the cancer, he would have died anyway.

We had no options for treatment. Any treatment we would have done would have killed him anyway. All of his organs were shutting down. His heart was so strong though and he fought so hard. He was always so determined.

I may never know what God's plan has been for me through all of this. I have prayed to God to guide me through all of this and I have felt the Holy Spirit guiding me.

There are so many questions I have because he was so young (34 yrs old). I trust that God has his reasons and this makes sense in His "Big Picture." It sure doesn't make sense to me. We were just starting our lives.

As of right now, I don't want to or have the desire to start over. I am still young but it will take me some time to get through this.

I hope this New Year is easier on all of us.

God Bless,

Maxine