I Don't Understand How This Happened...

[Lee1780]

Well, I am new here. I found this site as I was browsing for a story similar to mine, if there is one... I feel so empty and lost at times. I broke down and cried so hard today and I feel so depressed. But just yesterday I thought it was a great day and I was fine... I found this home video my mom made for me a few years ago... I guess I shouldn't have watched it.

I guess I should tell you that in the past year I have lost my grandfather (April 09) and then my uncle (June 09, the day after his birthday, he had just turned 47) and then my mother this past October (29 Oct 09, the day BEFORE her 49th birthday). I am having the hardest time of coming to grips with it all at once. Neither my uncle or my mother's death were expected. My mom had cancer previously, but had been in remission for years. She went to the hospital not feeling well and vomited in her sleep and went into cardiac arrest. After that it's all downhill and I don't even want to rehash it all again right now, I'm sure as a group who have all lost a parent or grandparent, you get the idea.

The thing is, I am in the military and stationed far away from my family. I can't go to my sister. I couldn't be there for my uncle or my mom or my grandfather or anyone... Back when my mom had cancer, I couldn't just go home. I feel bad sometimes, like I abandoned my siblings and my mom to be in the military... Like it is more important than them. I live in FL and they are in PA & NJ. I'm 29, no children, never married, no significant other to speak of at the time and I've only been living in this area for about 2 years, so I don't have close friends here. Most days I am fine... I keep busy, call acquiantances, make plans, play with my 2 dogs, whatever I can... But some days, like today, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel like my world has been shattered, like nothing matters. I feel HEAVY is the only way I can describe it. I just feel like I needed more time. How did this happen? How is it that my mom is just GONE...

We didn't always get along, and she wasn't the picture perfect mother. But she was my mom. I truly loved her, no matter what struggles we have gone through. We were so clsoe for a while and then after I moved overseas for 2 years, we kind of drifted apart... I know I'm rambling. I just have so many thoughts running through my mind. I don't know how to organize them or speak my mind. I feel like I'm falling apart today. :-(

Deep breath....

[Greta]

Dear Lee,

I'm so glad you found your way here. You will be made wonderfully welcome, I assure you.

I too lost too many people too close together. My most favorite uncle died, despite my desperate deal-making with God, and on the way home from the funeral, Mom died on the plane. They were best friends, and died a week apart, almost to the minute. I felt like he lifted her off the plane (from his mouth to God's ear). I will always miss them; they were my best friends (and greatest champions).

My kids are slightly older than you. I was away in Europe for a long time and we too drifted apart. I guess I took for granted that I would always be their mom, no matter what.

There are great people on this site with lots of comfort and wisdom. I'm learning a lot from them. It helps. You can say anything you like, no matter your mood. Up one day and down the next -- all is normal.

You sound like a great guy. Keep writing. I'm a beginner here, and I'm not very skilled at offering comfort, but I'm so very, very sorry for your loss, and your "occupational" isolation. Breathe deeply, eat well, and smile at strangers. I wish I were better at this. If you were standing in front of me, I'd give you a hug. Crying is good. Grieving takes it's own course, has its own clock.

You're in my prayers.

Greta

[Kavish]

Dear Lee and Greta,

I just think that our loved ones gave us so much love that we will always have them in our heart. We can never ever forget thier generosity and want to continue thier work in us through our work here on this earth.

Thank you for writing,

Kavish

[Daughter2010]

Hello,

I am new to this forum as well, and wanted to express my condolences to you for your losses. After experiencing myself with my dad passing away last October, I can understand the relevance and the feelings/emotions involved for the loss.

Losing our loved ones is an unfortunate step of life that we all will experience at some point in our lives, and there is nothing we can do about it. However, knowing that is no cure or remedy for the sorrow and impotence we feel in our hearts.

My father was a great dad, a great person, good husband (my mom says so), respectful, gentle, noble, and unfortunately he was the first one of the family who was called home. I miss him greatly, he was so brave through out his sickness, all of what we went through for the past year and half was so hard, especially on him, but he was so brave and wanted to live.

Like I said before there is no remedy for the sadness and grief we feel in our hearts, it is a matter of learning how to carry on and making sure we enjoy our lives the most because we never know when it is going to be our turn.

Don't feel guilty about doing or not doing things while your mom was with you, but rather keep every single memory of her with you, the things she taught you, and be the best human being you can be, I am sure she would be proud of you.

May God grant you the peace, and comfort to carry on.

-L

[Just here]

Hello all,

I just recently discovered this forum and I hope you all can share your stories as well as I, so that we may help each other heal. I am having a difficult time coping with my mothers death. She died two years ago and I am still have such a time with it. She was one of my best friends. I talked to her almost everyday. I miss just being able to talk to her. She died at 58 years old, way before her time. She had some medical complications and just couldn't heal from them. I don't really know the cause of her death. I feel it was all the pain medicine she was given for the problems that led her to stop breathing the day after Thanksgiving.

I too, am in the Military. I was stationed in TX at the time of the death and thank goodness I had been home to Michigan a week before the holiday to see my mom. She was in a lot of pain but nothing ever made me think she was going to die. I am the only child so it's just my Dad and I now. I am currently in Savannah, GA and my Dad is still in Michigan. It's really tough having all your family up north and me being down south. I have always been an independent woman but my strength seems to be running out on me lately.

I feel like I am stuck in my life. Nothing seems to get me excited and I have lost my desires to do the things that I loved in the past. I used to love the photography and I really haven't picked up my camera.

I know you have to remember all the good memories but that last day in the hospital taking my mom off of life support is burned into my mind and it kills me to think about it. I just wish that I could be happy and the way I used to be.

Maybe talking with you all will bring some light into my life.

Thanks for reading,

Stacy

[DebFromLodi]

My mom will be gone for two years on Feb. 2. I know the reason she died was because first they approved knee replacement surgery for a 91 year old woman, which was wrong, then kept her on meds constantly. Some days she was clueless as to anyone or anything. We told her she should not be on meds. She never could handle them, once after back surgery they had her on heavy meds and she got out of traction and was leaving the hospital. This time, the day she was first put into rehab, we went to see her and she was up and walking out the door. That is the last time she ever walked due to the meds they kept her on. God, I miss her so much, she was my life and my best friend. I must stop now since it is too early for tears. I hate to start the day crying. I pray for all of us to get through our losses.