My Dad

[Melissa1220]

I am 38 years old and my Dad passed away on 12/20/09. He had suffered with heart problems for about 4 1/2 years and utlimately died of congestive heart failure.

I was very close to my Dad and had the opportunity to take family leave and be with him and my Mom for the last month and a half and we were with him when he passed away in a hospice facility. We were able to keep him at home with the help of hospice almost until the end. He was only in the hospice unit for a day and a half.

I am struggling a great deal and was wondering if someone could offer me an idea on how to handle the following situation.

The majority of my family is telling me that I should be upset, but my Mom has the harder side of the coin. They are saying I need to be there for my Mom and shouldn't let her know how upset I am; that it's not fair to her. Additionally, my aunt took it upon herself to recieve the information that my Dad's ashes were ready and to go and pick them up with consulting my Mother or myself as well as order a box for the ashes. I appreciate "the spirit" in which she did that, but I am terribly hurt that we (I) wasn't given the opportunity to accept/decline the chance of doing those last few things for my Dad.

I am very close to my Mom and I just don't know what to do. I am struggling with my grief and now I am shrouded with guilt too.

I am going to the support groups and have an appt. scheduled with a bereavement counselor too but I was hoping someone out there could offer some ideas.

Thanks!

[Kavish]

Hi Melissa,

I am sorry that you and your mom were not told that your aunt would be "helping out" with the ashes of your dad. All I would say is let the things take their course and you don't have to do otherwise. If you are sad be sad and we will all be with you. You can not hide the sorrow and the loneliness by being boisterous or avoiding what's real. Be yourself and you will be taken care of by God in his own way.

Thanks,

Kavish

[Melissa1220]

Thanks Kavish,

That is exactly what I needed to hear. I knew it was going to happen, but I just was not prepared for the pain of it all. I'm so glad to have this community to share with.

Thanks again!

[tytybaby1208]

Hi Melissa! I have dealt with more deaths than a person should. And I know that regardless if it was like your Dad where we know its gonna happen or when it is unexpected the grief, saddness, ect. all emotions are the same. You can never prepare for how you will feel regardless of knowing it is coming.

Of course death can bring out the best in some, but sadly inside the family there is usually someone or a few someones who it will bring out the worst. All I can suggest is that you keep close to us here and the counseling you are getting outside and let your family do what they want just dont take anything personal. As for "staying strong" for someone else, Im sorry but that is crap! Everyone has to deal the way they deal and if you need to cry or scream whatever you should not feel you have to suck it up. Feel your feelings as they come and dont worry about who's looking. "To thine own self, be true"

My condolences to you Melissa!!

Big Hugs!

Allison

Thanks Kavish,

That is exactly what I needed to hear. I knew it was going to happen, but I just was not prepared for the pain of it all. I'm so glad to have this community to share with.

Thanks again!