Bewildered

[DoingMyBest]

I lost my mother 2 months ago. It seems simultaneously the longest and shortest time possible. It's been rough. I don't know why. I found this site, and I'm hoping that a community of others who know this pain and emptiness might help... somehow? I'm not sure how, but others here seem to find some peace in that.

I don't want to go into personal details right now... I'm just writing to vent the latest lead weight that was dropped on me. I'm still in a state of shock. One of my very closest friends, who's lost her mom (although she was 11 and that was a few decades ago, so maybe didn't experience it the same way), sent me an email late last night accusing me of not caring about her enough to come see her or to "reach out to her in any way". It was accusatory and angry, and I'm just in a state of shock that I would be put in this position after I've already explained the rawness and the solitude I crave but can't seem to get a tiny toehold in my life to heal. I did everything that I had to give - I inquired regularly as to what was going on with her, I let her know when I had a minor success in my life like actually accomplishing a simple work-out, I asked her to participate in a private ritual where I am ceremonially putting my mom's remains in their place of honor. But frankly even getting out of bed is an effort. Forcing myself to function through a day with an extremely stressful job (executive at a very struggling company), then coming home and taking care of the bare, bare necessities (feeding myself, making sure the dogs went outside, possibly even dragging some clothes to the washer...) is ALL is can do. Frankly, it feels like more than I can do sometimes. I even find the companionship of my husband (who has been amazing) too much to bear sometimes. I wish it wasn't so, but all I can say is that is all I have to offer.

And to get that - HURT. I feel very hurt that she allowed her fears for what my actions might mean to override her knowledge of what she knows my character to be. I alwyas try to come through for everyone, and the fact that I can't do it NOW should be a pretty good indication of my simple physical inability.

I feel like every time I think, even momentarily, that I'm getting my feet under me (or at least see it as a possibility), some drama pops up and leaves me nothing but going back to that place where everything feels hopeless and pointless and numb and alone.

[Ron B.]

DoingMyBest,

I have a very similar situation, which causes me anguish and sometimes prompts me to anger.

Like you, I lost my Mom a couple months ago and have been overwhelmed with grief. Recently one of my siblings, my sister, created a situation which brought even more grief. My sister locked down my Mother's family home. I could not spend the Christmas holidays with the rest of my family at a time when I really needed the support. Just last week several boxes of my belongings, which were in my Mother's home, were packed up and delivered to me without a word of notice from my sister. Felt like an eviction.

I am struggling not to get bent out of shape by the actions of my sister. I've talked about it with other family members, and that's helped calm me down. I'm still not sure just what to do. One suggestion was to write an email to my sister, honestly explaining how I feel hurt by her actions, but not faulting or blaming her. On the other hand, I'm thinking to just forget about it and not do a thing.

About your friend's email, you have explained your feelings quite well. In some sense you have risen above the situation just by writing about it here. You've got perspective. You've also got the moral high-ground, in that it was inappropriate for your friend to be demanding and faultfinding while you were grieving.

I cannot see a clear and immediate solution for you or for me. You could take your friend to task very politely with a reply email, but she could take that the wrong way. You could say and do nothing, but then your friend would remain clueless.

All I can say, is that somehow we will get through this, despite the burden of very difficult people.

Ron B.

[bell]

Doing my best, You poor thing!I would be so angry.I can not believe the way some people treat others.My mom called me 2 weeks after my dad died.(they had been divorced since I was 10,and she absolutely couldn't stand him,and told me that regularly)And said she felt like I didn't want her in my life now that my dad died,and she felt like she lost a friend,and she didn't like the way I hadn't been calling her.I was shocked that my own mom wouldn't let me be heartbroken without making my hurt about her and also putting pressure on me to treat her better.I wouldn't be to worried about that friend.Even though she is hurting too it was very rude and selfish of her.I'm trying not to say this but maybe you shouldn't be friends with someone like that.

[leeann]

I lost friends.. just like I lost my parents. But most of those were "fair weather" type friends anyway. And I can understand it because most of them have both parents and kinda just don't get it.

But what really hurts the most is I lost my closest friend because I just couldn't listen to her belittle her own mother anymore. I told her I couldn't hear that anymore and she might need to find someone else to talk about that kind of stuff with from now on but.. apparently that request killed the friendship. I haven't heard from her since. I have tried to reach out twice.. and she just ignored those attempts. So... It's over.

It is all part of loss I guess. It changed me and maybe she and I are now too different to be close friends anymore.

I feel very much alone most of the time.. and I assume that is just where I am supposed to be right now....by myself... on my own. It hurts though...feels awfully raw, ya know?

I know I crave the solitude alot of the time too... but sometimes I really wish I had a close friend.. and I just don't have one anymore.

To me.. it is like yet another loss.

[DebFromLodi]

When i visit the woman across the street (about my age) and she tells about the things she has to do for her mom that day (her mom is over 80). As soon as it turns into complaining, I tell her she had better enjoy the time while she can. I would love to have just one more moment with my mom, and it kind of makes me angry that she has all the time with her mom yet spends it complaining.

I miss my mom more with each passing day.

[joyNmourning]

I can relate to this...except in my case, it is my dad who does the complaining. His mom is 88-years-old and is needing a lot more care these days. He gets grouchy and doesn't want to help her. All the while, I am thinking...be thankful that you have had so much time with her. My mom just died at age 64. Oh, what I would do to have 24 more years with my sweet mama.

And I'm not saying it is easy to be a caretaker. I know that it isn't. I helped take care of my mom for two years while she battled cancer. But, I was happy that I could do it...was so glad that I could be there when she needed me the most. She had taken such good care of me over the years...and I wanted to do the same for her.

[DoingMyBest]

Thanks to all for your kind replies. I took Ron's advice and actually discussed the situation with my friend... it went well. It actually went really well, as I think we both understand each other better now. It definitely wasn't easy though. But basically I explained that I had done EVERYTHING I could - and that was all I had to offer. And called her on the fact that she knows me... and when I disappear into the woodwork it's not laziness, it's not disrespect, it's simple NEED. She got that, and we are good. Still, it hurt a lot, and I guess I just need to remember that just because I am feeling completely out of sorts with all that life would normally demand, I just either don't care or don't have it in my to give more - and yet still I can be conscious of the challenges going on in my friend's lives. The ones who lose track... but who care enough to come back when you say how hard you've been trying, how hurt you were by their assumptions, and how unfair it is to put on you right now... those are the ones you have a real friendship with. Those friends know that NOBODY is perfect. And they still manage to forgive you for being blind to their issues, and you theirs.

I've still been shocked at the losses I've suffered collaterally. The friends who really did crap on me and ignore my pain. It's like a double-whammy of loss! But I don't want to jump to conclusions for the ones who I really think are misunderstandings. I need them. I think at the end of this, when I emerge from this numb cocoon, I want to know that there are people in this world who make it worthwhile. Otherwise, we're all just wasting our time paying our utility bills and keeping our cars waxed. There's got to be more to it than that. I don't expect perfection from my friends. I just want... an opportunity to be a totally raw wound without having to worry about them adding salt. You never know which those will be until you expose your wound, do you?