Sorry I'm Not Ok Yet

[beautifulmistakes]

Everybody wants me to just be O.K. I have no where to turn and am sick of trying to be there for everybody else and nobody i there for me. I am the strong one and don't need anybody......not. My father whom I know is also still grieving does not care AT ALL about what or how we are feeling. We couldnt have possibly loved her like he did. What a load of crap. Sorry, but I am so angry at him for not caring about what we are going through. He did the same thing when my little brother (5 years old) died and I was 12. He checked out and let my Mom deal with all the hard stuff. He is so angry and bitter and I try to be there for him, but every time I leave the house, I am extremly depressed and don't want to go back. I love him, but do not like him very much.

I miss my Mom and my Granny more than I can say. I am the only woman in the family now and men just don't get it. Its a year and 1/2 ago I lost them both within months of each other but I feel the pain a much today if not more than then. Nothing, Nothing is the same. I have NOBODY to turn to, i feel lost and afloat, no real reason to exisit. I know its the depression talking but I am watching my baby (cocker spaniel) fighting to stick around and it is breaking my heart. He is the ONLY thing that got me through when my Mom was sick and after she died. My Father is pretty much usless and hates my dog. Says its just a dog.

Sorry, so much hurt and anger and no where to go with it. I am suppose to be able to turn to the rest of my family, but not a choice. How do I do it, where do I turn when I need somebody? I am single and never married and dont have a family foundation of my own.

help...

[joyNmourning]

beautifulmistakes: I'm so sorry that you are hurting and don't have anyone to turn to for support. (((hugs))) Please feel free to write to me anytime. I hope you find some relief soon.

[DoingMyBest]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm having massive anger issues with my father right now as well (mom died 2.5 months ago... and he just seems to think you get rid of all her crap and go on with your life and you're over it. It feels very disrespectful to her memory, and while I know he's hurting I just want him to SUFFER the way I am. Just to know he's actually feeling it and appreciates her life.). And I understand the loving of the dogs... luckily my sister (who has kids) understood what a source of joy and comfort they are to me in my own life, so I haven't been "judged" by those that matter on the fact they make me feel connected to life. Misunderstood by some, for sure - dogs don't count to some. Your dad sounds like he's battling demons about the way men are "supposed" to process grief, and I'm not defending his behavior to you as I don't know it... but I hope you will take a deep breath when you want to jump through the phone line and strangle him! It's hard, but I hope you will be able to accept his lack of support and instead take comfort where it appears. Whether it's a friend bringing muffins (even without realizing you're having a sad, sad day), or a cocker that puts a sweet nose in your face before you've even opened your eyes for the morning, or even just a beautiful calm day where you can enjoy the taste of coffee in the morning or the casual enjoyment of scanning a fun catalog at night.

Best to you.

[Kavish]

I am sorry that you don't get the support from supposedly sources. It is now up to you to stand up for yourself and take control. You will grieve all you want and you don't care if anybody else commiserates. It is your loss and you will deal with it. You can do it.

Take care,

Kavish

[JamesI]

Hi BeautifulMistakes:

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom and Granny. I lost my Mom about 11 months ago and while I believe that I am better, I still have those moments of sadness and despair every day, even though I keep busy and go on with my life. I have learned early on that crying is ok and it does not matter if you are male or female.

The trouble is, that most males were brought up to be strong and not cry and alot of them still believe that they should not cry or grieve. They're from the old school. They just don't get it. They can also be afraid to express their emotions or they just don't know how.

I am not saying that you should let your father off the hook, not at all, I just thought you might give him some slack and understand that he is grieving in his own way. Besides, you do love him. I can understand what you are saying because my brother is grieving as your father is and my brother also shows some anger and bitterness. He is older and also from the old school of thought. I just keep my distance from my brother and do what I do. I believe it is best to just give them their space and let them be for awhile.

I learned early on that you cannot get the comfort and support from family or friends as you might expect. I found this website right after my Mom died and it was a big help to me. I also found a grief counselor and saw her for about 9 months. She helped. I also attended an 8 week bereavement group at a local church. I keep in touch with the people in the group and we meet occasionally and talk about how we are all coming along. We support each other.

I am presently attending a weekly bereavement group and that is helping me too. We need all the help we can get and its out there. Look into it, It really helps make it a little more bearable.

Like I mentioned earlier about crying. I cried alot during the first 6 to 9 months and I thought I would never stop. It does help.

If you get emotional, just let it out. Crying heals. It lets out the toxins in our body. We need to grieve and mourn for our loved ones.

There is no timetable. It could take 2 or 3 years or more. Take as long as you need. Take it one day at a time.

I have been reading alot of books on grieving and have learned alot of things that I never knew. That has helped me too.

I recommend a really good book called, Life after Loss by Bob Deits. Check the library or bookstore. This book will help you.

I went on your website and I am very impressed. I enjoyed your video about your business and what you said about your Mom and Granny. I am sure that they would be very proud of you. I will view your website again and tell everyone to check it out.

Be well,

take care,

James

Edited February 17, 2010 by MartyT
Links inserted

[green2010]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling alone and afloat. I relate to that. I'm all alone too, so I understand. I literally have no one in my family who cares. It seems like they just went on with their lives after my Mom died. They talk about the "life cycle" and all that crap. I wonder if they even loved her. I know they don't love me. They don't reach out to me and in fact, actually get annoyed with me that I haven't wanted to go through my Mom's things or spread the ashes. They want to do everything right away. Well, I'm not going to, I will do them when I feel the time is right and I have the legal authority to do that. Anyway, I'm off on a tangent, bottom line is I understand how you feel. I have no foundation either. Nothing to count on, no family, no real reason to look to the future, nothing to get excited about. I've gone to counseling and all that grief stuff and it just made me feel worse. I'm hoping with time we will both look at things different. Hang in there, you're not alone.

[beautifulmistakes]

I am so grateful for all your responses and encouragement. It helps to know that its o.k. to still be sad. I think the real hard part is dealing with my father and his moods. People keep telling me that I dont have to suject myself to his abusive treatment but I just fear losing him and feeling guilt over not being there. Guilt is a very powerful emotion. Also, grieving at different paces makes it hard. My brother says he knows her and granny are happy being together, and he is o.k. with it all, yet, he drinks EVERY night until he passes out and starts again the next morning. Keeps him numb from really feeling the loss. He never spent time with my Mom during her 2 1/2 years after her stroke. He said it was too hard but we all did it. He only came down when we had family get togethers, he never sat with her and just talked to her. But, I digress.

I have really been there for my father and since he cant be there for me, I need to find a way to distance myself for my own mental health while still trying to be somewhat present for him. I promised my Mom the night before she died that it was O.K. to go if she was in so much pain and the "We" would take care of Dad. So, I feel like I have to take the abuse and just remember he is getting old and missing his life long love and best friend.

I wish he could see that he still has 3 kids and 2 AMAZING grand daughters but he just pushes us all away and says he has nothing to live for.

Anyway, thanks so much for all your support, maybe I will find some sense of belonging and a new foundation with all of you who feel the same ache and pain while learning to love life again.

[beautifulmistakes]

Dear James, thanks so much for taking time to give me some perspective on a male point of view. I sometimes really get caught up in the fact that my Dad and Brothers do not greive like I do, or miss my Mom in the same way I do. Its really hard sometimes to allow people to grieve in their own way, right or wrong and really, who can say its wrong? Certainly not me. I just keep looking for some sort of comfort from my father that he is not capable of giving, never really has been, so I have to find a way to make peace with that.

I have not had the time or he means for counseling but I am hoping I can find some comfort here. Its hard when everybodys life around you goes on and your world stops. I find myself angry at my friends because they are not there for me, but in all reality, they just have lifes of their own and do not know I am still suffering.

This should be a good outlet for these emotions and caring people like you.

(((Hugs)))

Kathy