JamesI

I am so sorry Dawnie350 for the loss of your Dad. I lost my dad over 10 years ago from prostate cancer. He was 80. Age makes no difference. We never want to see our loved ones go. I really missed my dad, but, I got through it so that I can help my Mom at the time. My mom was doing fine for awhile, but, then her health changed and I helped to take care of her with some help from home health care. My mom passed away on March 20, 2009 and it was very difficult for me. This website helped me alot. Reading the many posts and stories from other members really helps through the journey of grief. There are no shortcuts. You grieve at your own pace. There is no right and wrong way. I signed up with a bereavement group at my church after my Mom's passing and I also found another bereavement group that was not religious based. Both these groups helped me alot. Just know that the members on this website are very helpful and understanding and will give you the opportunity to find some comfort during your journey. Read the posts and stories. It helps to know that others are and have gone through similar experiences and emotions just as you have gone through. It does get more bearable and yes it does get easier. You will always miss your Dad, you loved him, but, just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that what I have said to you will encourage you and comfort you during your sorrow.

Hi Em: You have no reason to be embarrassed. You were just being honest, which is supposedly what your friend wanted you to be, at least that's the impression she left with you. I had a similar experience. I had emailed a co worker, Marlene, that I had worked with for 2 years to inform her that my mother had passed away. I was transferred from that position to a location closer to my home, but, we kept in touch and would meet occasionally at some work functions and meet for lunch or dinner. We worked well together. Anyway, she emailed me back and asked me for my address and said she would be in touch. She never wrote, never called, and never emailed me back. I asked her to tell another co worker about my mother passing and I never heard from him either. Recently, the other co worker, Irwin, emailed me to inform me and others on his address list that someone hacked his computer and sent an email asking for money to be sent to Spain because his wallet was stolen and he could not get help from anyone and was desperate. I knew that it was a bogus email, but, Irwin sent everyone an email explaining that he was hacked and to ignore the bogus email message. So, I emailed Irwin back and told him that I did realize that it was bogus and asked him if heard from Marlene because I have not heard from her for over a year. Irwin told me that she has a habit of doing that to everyone, which I knew, but I just thought she would have been in touch with him. I asked him if Marlene told him about my mother passing and so on. I never received a reply from him either and again, we all had a good working relationship and I went to his retirement party. I was wondering, why do these people seem to get scared when you mention that someone has passed away. Most people would express their condolences as most decent people do, especially when you know that you had a good working relationship with them and you kept in touch with them as I did. I was kind of hurt in a way and then I thought maybe they don't know what to say or how to express themselves. Even though I was kind of hurt, I really cannot be angry with these people. I just let it go. If people cannot express their condolences or give you comfort, so be it. You can't make people care. I know that I would not do that to someone. I've also heard people say, "Oh, if you need anything you need, let me know" "If there is anything I can do" "Just call me" "I'll call you" I have learned that you cannot rely on anyone but yourself and this includes relatives as well as so called friends, unless of course, you're fortunate enough to have someone that really means what they say. I do have a friend, Jane, who I grew up with and kept in touch with over the years. She has really helped me so much. She lost her boyfriend about 7 years ago to an illness and understood about grief. She cried with me on the phone and helped me with my journey. I am so grateful to her. The bereavement group has helped me too and I still go it. My mother passed away on March 20, 2009. I do feel better, but, I am not over it. You never get over it. You learn to get used to it. It still hurts at times. I keep busy and that helps. It helps to be distracted. You need a break now and then from grieving, but, you need to return to it and go through it. It helps you to work it out. There is no timetable. I have read many books on grieving and continue to do so. It can take 2 or 3 years or more. Whatever it takes. You just need to keep plugging away. You know, get back on track, and move on. Remember the good memories. They can be a comfort. I have many dreams about my mother and that is consoling and also a comfort to me. I hope that what I told you will help you. Sometimes it helps me if I can help someone. I try to do that at the bereavement group. We all give each other advice and try to help each other. Keep in touch and let me know how things are going. Take care, Jim

Suzanne: My brother and I took out an extra life insurance policy through AARP for my mother in 1999 and she passed away on March 20, 2009. It was AARP, but, New York Life Insurance handled it. They paid it out with no problem in less than 30 days. Just know that they offer different policies. The policy we had for my mother was for $5000, but changed to $2500 at age 85. My mother passed away at age 87. You may also check out SBLI USA.com... I am not sure if they may offer sbli in all states. You may also consider Hartford Insurance as Mary Linda suggested. We use Hartford for our homeowners ins and they are a reliable company. I am sorry for your loss and wish you and your family well. take care, James

Hi Emptyinside: I really understand how you feel. I miss my mother's presence and especially her hugs. No one can take the place of our loved ones. I sometimes think that my mother is still alive, although, I understand that she passed away and I accept it, but, sometimes I forget. I ask God to let me see my mother in my dreams and I've had dreams of my mother and father often. Sometimes these dreams are a comfort in some way. It is difficult to deal with the loss of our loved ones. We need to have faith that our loved ones are safe and happy and we will be happy and comforted in time. glad to see you again online. take care, James

Dear Lainey: I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I don't think there is anything more devastating than the loss of a loved one. I lost my mother on March 20, 2009. It has been a rough year, but, I got through it. Grieving is a rough journey to travel, but, we need to get through it in order to heal from the pain and sorrow we feel. There are no short cuts or quick fixes. Take it one day at a time. You need time to get through this journey. Take all the time you need. I learned along the way that it could take 2 to 3 years, but, don't be discouraged because it does get better and less intense before that. Its fresh for you being only 4 months. Be good to yourself. I know what you mean about friends being there when you really need them. Everyone tells you to call if you need anything, but, where are they when you need them? I suppose we cant' really blame them and they do have their lives to live. I was fortunate to find a few old friends that have been through losses and understand and sometimes I am able to talk with them and get some comfort, but, they are not always available. I am glad that I found this website because I have been coming to it from the very beginning and it has helped me. I also found a grief counselor who I have been seeing for about 9 months and she has helped me in many ways. I also attended an 8 week bereavement group after about 3 months and that helped too. I still attend a weekly bereavement group and some of us meet afterwards at a restaurant for a snack and we talk and see how each of us are coping. It all helps. You may consider finding a grief counselor. You can select a male or female. Whoever you feel comfortable with. They will help you. We need to get help and support from as many sources as possible, especially if we cannot get the support from family or friends. It seems that family and friends are not always the ones to support us and just know that you are not alone. Like Terry suggested, try getting the book she mentioned and I also recommend a book I read which really brought me comfort, its called, Life after Loss by Bob Deits. You can find it at the library or bookstore. When you are up to it later on, consider also attending a bereavement group. Be well, take care, James

Dear Suzanne: I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my mother last year on March 20, 2009. My mother was 87, but, it was unexpected and although she had health issues, she was doing okay. Age makes no difference and no matter what the cause of death is, we never want to lose our loved ones. My father died 10 years earlier on the same date due to heart trouble which was related to a relapse of prostate cancer. Just know that your loss is still fresh, being only about 2 months. Take it 1 day at a time. If you feel uncomfortable looking at your husband's pictures, wait until you feel up to it. There is no rush, there is no timetable. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve or mourn. Just take it slow and do what is right for you. Finding this website will help you. I found it right away and it did help a great deal. I also found a grief counselor. The grief counselor helped me and I've been coming to this website on a regular basis. I was helped a great deal by alot of caring and considerate people on this website and sometimes just reading the topics and posts are a help too. Try to find a grief counselor or speak with a pastor or priest. A counselor or clergy person will help you and after a few months, you may consider attending a bereavement group. I attended a bereavement group for 8 weeks at a local church. It helped me a great deal. I still attend a weekly bereavement group and it has shown me that I am not alone. A lot of people lose loved ones and they grieve too. There is a book that I read which really was a comfort to me and I highly recommend it to everyone who has lossed a loved one. Its called Life after Loss by Bob Deits. You can find it at the library or bookstore. Just know also that grieving and mourning can be a tough journey. You will have your good days and bad days, but, you will get through it. I remember when people would tell me that it would get better and I really did not believe that, but, it did get better. I still miss my mother and I still get emotional, but, it is less intense. I will always think about my mother. I will never forget her. I loved my mother and I miss her dearly. The pain of sorrow, however, does lessen with time. Be well. take care, James

Dear Mary Linda: I will say a prayer for you too. I am sure you will be fine on Thursday. You will be in good hands. I will never forget your words of encouragement which helped me along with my journey. I am doing better. Its a year today for me. Just know that we are all routing for you and we all care. Be well. James

Dear LindaG: Sorry to hear about your cousin. I will say a prayer for Gary and also a prayer for you that you will have the strength and comfort to get through this sadness at a time while you are also dealing with your most recent grief. Be well. take care, James

Dear LindaG: I am so sorry for your loss. My mother died almost a year ago on March 20, 2009. I was her caregiver and loved her very much. It has been very difficult to deal with. I found this website early on and it has helped me a great deal. I then found a grief counselor shortly thereafter. The grief counselor has helped me also. I have also attended an 8 week bereavement group at a local church which also helped. I still attend a weekly bereavement group and a group of us meet at a restaurant afterwards for a snack and we talk about how things are going. It all helps. In reference to your question, most of the grief counselors, which I have seen listed on my healthcare website, which is Aetna, are clinical social workers with Master Degrees and some are Clinical Psychologists with a PHD. Most of them specialize in grief counseling, as well as other services. It would be up to you to select someone, check out their years of experience, meet with them and decide if you are comfortable with that particular person and determine if this person will be able to help you. After a few sessions, if you find that you feel better, continue, otherwise, select another counselor. Its up to you to select a male or female. Select someone in which you feel that you would be more comfortable with. I was seeing a grief counselor (clincial social worker) for about 9 months and she did help me, however, her schedule changed and I needed to select a new counselor. I selected a clincial psychologist, this time, who also provides grief counseling. I start seeing her next week. I have been fortunate to be able to talk with a few friends that have experienced the loss of a loved one and they understand the process. It has been and continues to be comforting to be able to talk with someone when you feel sad and emotional. Unfortunately, there are times when that someone is not always available and I am glad to say that having this website has also helped me a great deal . Sometimes, just reading the topics and posts are a help and when you do get responses from all the caring and considerate people on this website, well, that helps too. Just know, that it does get better, but, it takes time and you will have your good days and bad days. Don't get discouraged. Be good to yourself. There is no timetable. Take it one day a time. Return to this website whenever you need to. We can all help each other. I have also found comfort by reading alot of books on grieving. The most recent book, I read, which has helped me a great deal, is called: Life after Loss: A Practical Guide by Bob Deits. You can find it at the library or bookstore and it is also available online at lifeafterlossonline.com Try to get that book. It will help. Be well. take care, James

Dear Missyme: I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. It is good that you are seeing a grief counselor and also using this website. Sometimes just reading the topics and posts are a help in itself. Just know that your loss is so fresh and your feelings are all normal and expected. Don't let what others think bother you. Be good to yourself. You need to grieve and mourn for your loved one. Crying will heal you. Just do it if you need to. It will get better. I lost my mother on March 20, 2009, about 11 months ago. The 1st 6 to 9 months were difficult, but, I got through it and it did get better. Along the way, as it gets better, there are setbacks and the sadness comes and goes. You have good days and bad days. I found alot of comfort in reading alot of books on grief. I also was able to speak to a few people who understood about grief and they gave me comfort too. If you are able to find 1 or 2 people, besides your counselor, it may be another way for you to cope better. Try to get this book, Life after Loss, by Bob Deits. Check the library or bookstore. It is also available to purchase online at Lifeafterlossonline.com. Just know that there is no timetable for grieving. Take it one day at a time. take care, James

Hi BeautifulMistakes: I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom and Granny. I lost my Mom about 11 months ago and while I believe that I am better, I still have those moments of sadness and despair every day, even though I keep busy and go on with my life. I have learned early on that crying is ok and it does not matter if you are male or female. The trouble is, that most males were brought up to be strong and not cry and alot of them still believe that they should not cry or grieve. They're from the old school. They just don't get it. They can also be afraid to express their emotions or they just don't know how. I am not saying that you should let your father off the hook, not at all, I just thought you might give him some slack and understand that he is grieving in his own way. Besides, you do love him. I can understand what you are saying because my brother is grieving as your father is and my brother also shows some anger and bitterness. He is older and also from the old school of thought. I just keep my distance from my brother and do what I do. I believe it is best to just give them their space and let them be for awhile. I learned early on that you cannot get the comfort and support from family or friends as you might expect. I found this website right after my Mom died and it was a big help to me. I also found a grief counselor and saw her for about 9 months. She helped. I also attended an 8 week bereavement group at a local church. I keep in touch with the people in the group and we meet occasionally and talk about how we are all coming along. We support each other. I am presently attending a weekly bereavement group and that is helping me too. We need all the help we can get and its out there. Look into it, It really helps make it a little more bearable. Like I mentioned earlier about crying. I cried alot during the first 6 to 9 months and I thought I would never stop. It does help. If you get emotional, just let it out. Crying heals. It lets out the toxins in our body. We need to grieve and mourn for our loved ones. There is no timetable. It could take 2 or 3 years or more. Take as long as you need. Take it one day at a time. I have been reading alot of books on grieving and have learned alot of things that I never knew. That has helped me too. I recommend a really good book called, Life after Loss by Bob Deits. Check the library or bookstore. This book will help you. I went on your website and I am very impressed. I enjoyed your video about your business and what you said about your Mom and Granny. I am sure that they would be very proud of you. I will view your website again and tell everyone to check it out. Be well, take care, James

Dear Bell: 5 weeks is such a short time for you or anyone to be "over it". Just know, that your feelings are normal. You are entitled to be sad. You need to grieve and mourn for your loss. If you need to cry, then cry. Crying is what heals us. It will get better. Just take it one day at a time. I am so sorry for the loss of your father. My father died 10 years ago and my mother died about 11 months ago on March 20th. My mother was 87, but, age makes no difference. Although she had some health issues, she was doing fine for her age. It was unexpected and I don't think we can ever be ready to lose our loved ones. I loved my mother very much and I still miss her very much. I found this website early on and it really did help me and continues to help. I also found a grief counselor who I saw for about 9 months and I attended a bereavement support group at a local church for 8 weeks. I still attend another bereavement group that meets every Monday evening from 6-7 PM. All these things have helped me get through this journey. Its not easy, but, we need to go through it. I have an older brother that is grieving his way and I cannot really get much support from him. He has the attitude that life goes on and I can understand that, but, I need to grieve and mourn for my loss. I was close to my mother and I was also her caregiver. When you have a close relationship with a loved one, it makes it more difficult to get through it. I remember a saying from the bereavement group, that, grief is like a snow storm, you cannot go around it, you need to go through it. Family members and also friends are not necessarily able to give us the support we may need. They may not be able to deal with it or they just don't know what to say. That's why it is important to find someone that does get it and is able to give you the support and comfort you need. Try to see a grief counselor and after a few months, you may consider attending a bereavement group. It all helps. Keep coming to this website and read the topics and posts. Sometimes just reading the posts are a help too. I read a book titled Life after Loss by Bob Deits, M. Th. You may be able to get it from your local library or bookstore or it can be ordered online at lifeafterlossonline.com This book helped me alot. Be well, take care, James

Dear Daughter 2010' I am so sorry for your loss. My mother died on March 20, 2009. It's been 10 months now and I am better than I was, but, I still miss her very much and I also miss that I cannot hug her too as you expressed about your father. Just know that you are early on with your journey, being only 3 months. It takes more time and always remember that there is no time limit. It does get better, but, you will always remember. Its only normal, its only human, that we love our loved ones. I saw a grief counselor for about 7 months and it did help me. I also found this website and like you said, reading the many topics and posts has helped me realize too that I was not alone and when I am not able to talk to a friend or relative, this discussion group is a great comfort. I also attended an 8 week bereavement group at a local church and that also helped me. I am attending a weekly bereavement group and I get alot of support from this group too. I've been very active to get help because I felt I really needed it and it does help. I am out of work since July because of the economy, but, I am getting unemployment. This time off has helped me too, because I was having a rough time with my journey of grief and mourning. I keep busy, I have read alot of books on grief at the library and that has also helped. I work out 5 days a week, I visit some friends that are comforting because they know about grief. Some people cannot deal with it and they change the subject. I stay clear of those people. You know, people say to you at the funeral, if you need anything, let me know and then you never hear from these people. Its not that these people don't care, its just that some people cannot deal with it and they really don't know what to say. Alot of people have not really gone through grieving or mourning or if they did have losses in their life, they just don't deal with it. The point is, which I learned early on, you need to grieve and mourn for your loved one and seeing a grief counselor will help you a great deal. The grief counselor will also discuss with you the advantages of attending a bereavement group too. I never thought I would get passed the first three months, but, I did. Take one day at a time and remember that there is no time schedule. Take as much time as you need and don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it. Be good to yourself and take care of yourself. Be well, James