My Grief Vs A Close Friends Grief

[beautifulmistakes]

Its so hard to grieve and have people understand the time it takes, but how do you reach out for help when a dear friend loses a 2 1/2 year old child 5 months after I lose my Mom & Granny? Nobody should have to bury a child, nobody, but life does not play fair. I was needing so much from my friends still at 5 months, almost more since things were starting to hit me that my Mom and Granny were gone for good. My cirlce of friends are all pretty much the same and so when my friends little angel died unexpectedly, it was like my grief was not as deep or as important, so therefore, I started to feel like I needed to take it inside and deal with it alone. Don't get me wrong, my heart was aching for my friend, I was there for her for a week without leaving her side, still feeling the pain from my own loss and trying to help her with hers.

But everybody started treating me like her pain was so much more important than mine and they are there for her for each milestone, like her birthday or christmas or the year anniversary. All of these things went unnoticed by my friends for my Mom.

I know thier lives are busy and crazy and they are not stuck in the pain of the loss, but how do I not feel hurt that my pain was not important? I recently also lost my moms younger brother(my favorite Uncle who could make family issues bearable) at Christmas and it was like it was not a big deal. The guys I work for told me "its part of life" you have to just deal with it......augggggggghhhhhh.

Anyway, am I so selfish that I feel abandoned by a "More Important" loss?

[DoingMyBest]

I hope that it's not a matter of "more important" or "less important" with your friends. It sounds like maybe it's a matter of "more understandable." Without minimizing your loss (I just lost my mom two months ago... so believe me, I know just how deeply devastating it is), I think people respond to the idea of losing a child in a way they don't when it's an elder (mother, grandparent, uncle) - it's just NOT a thing people expect to experience, the loss of a child... whereas on some level we all understand that death will happen, eventually, within our family, and likely first among the older members. And with the "allotment" of mourning time you're given, people just assume that the death of adults is just a little more emotionally digestible. Like if it's a child it will ruin you for years, but if it's a parent you only get to wallow for a certain time.

I'm struggling with my "allotted" time already, just two months in... one of my best friends unloaded on me the other day about why I'm not there for her various life activities. Someone who should realize I've always been there before - and that if I'm not there now, it's just because I'm not able. But life goes on - faster for those who aren't grieving. When they aren't living your loneliness and sadness of course it's less tangible to them. Does that hurt? Of course - I feel very abandoned. And yet I understand, because I know I've had friends who lost a parent or grandparent, and I felt bad for them... and then I went on to other things. Even though our lives are so incredibly saturated from our perspectives, others only have a tiny little window into them (even when you try to share, they still aren't in your head and heart with you).

I hope you will forgive your friends for abandoning you in your time of need. It may help to let them know, separately from your friend who lost her child, how sad you still are and how you hope you are still in their hearts - let them know you need their love even now. If they hear you, they will give you what you need, even if it is spread around a bit. And if they don't hear you... well, that's worth learning too so that you know what your options are when you do need a lift.

I hope this won't sound sick, but perhaps the death of your friend's child will be something of a minor blessing - perhaps it will bring you closer to the parents, or perhaps it will help you put to rest the sadness you've been carrying around by being able to look at and help carry someone else's sadness (I know I tend to get really, really, really mired in my own loss). You sound like you have been a wonderful friend to a grieving mother, and no doubt that is in part due to your recent experience with death. If there is to be meaning in such losses, then hopefully we will find it among the living.

My best to you, and to your friend. I hope that you find peace eventually. I'm hoping that for everyone on this site, including myself. I want very much for our losses to matter.

[MartyT]

No my dear, you are not "selfish" in feeling as you do ~ you're simply being honest with yourself and with us about the way you do feel. It seems to me that what really matters here is how you behaved toward your bereaved friend, in spite of how you are feeling. It is very, very difficult to "be there" for another mourner when we are in the fresh throes of grief ourselves. At such times it can be very hard to distinguish whose grief we're dealing with ~ theirs or our own. You are to be commended for being there for your friend when she needed your support.

It's sad that your other friends are treating you as if your friend's pain is somehow more important or more significant than your own, and you have every right to feel hurt about that. In his wonderful book A Grief Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, author Jerry Sittser observes,

"I question whether experiences of such severe loss can be quantified and compared. Loss is loss, whatever the circumstances. All losses are bad, only bad in different ways. No two losses are ever the same. Each loss stands on its own and inflicts a unique kind of pain. What makes each loss so catastrophic is its devastating, cumulative, and irreversible nature . . . So whose loss is worse, hers or mine? It is impossible to give an answer. Both are bad, but bad in different ways" (pp. 33-34).

You may find this post helpful: Comparing Our Losses

[beautifulmistakes]

I hope that it's not a matter of "more important" or "less important" with your friends. It sounds like maybe it's a matter of "more understandable." Without minimizing your loss (I just lost my mom two months ago... so believe me, I know just how deeply devastating it is), I think people respond to the idea of losing a child in a way they don't when it's an elder (mother, grandparent, uncle) - it's just NOT a thing people expect to experience, the loss of a child... whereas on some level we all understand that death will happen, eventually, within our family, and likely first among the older members. And with the "allotment" of mourning time you're given, people just assume that the death of adults is just a little more emotionally digestible. Like if it's a child it will ruin you for years, but if it's a parent you only get to wallow for a certain time.

I'm struggling with my "allotted" time already, just two months in... one of my best friends unloaded on me the other day about why I'm not there for her various life activities. Someone who should realize I've always been there before - and that if I'm not there now, it's just because I'm not able. But life goes on - faster for those who aren't grieving. When they aren't living your loneliness and sadness of course it's less tangible to them. Does that hurt? Of course - I feel very abandoned. And yet I understand, because I know I've had friends who lost a parent or grandparent, and I felt bad for them... and then I went on to other things. Even though our lives are so incredibly saturated from our perspectives, others only have a tiny little window into them (even when you try to share, they still aren't in your head and heart with you).

I hope you will forgive your friends for abandoning you in your time of need. It may help to let them know, separately from your friend who lost her child, how sad you still are and how you hope you are still in their hearts - let them know you need their love even now. If they hear you, they will give you what you need, even if it is spread around a bit. And if they don't hear you... well, that's worth learning too so that you know what your options are when you do need a lift.

I hope this won't sound sick, but perhaps the death of your friend's child will be something of a minor blessing - perhaps it will bring you closer to the parents, or perhaps it will help you put to rest the sadness you've been carrying around by being able to look at and help carry someone else's sadness (I know I tend to get really, really, really mired in my own loss). You sound like you have been a wonderful friend to a grieving mother, and no doubt that is in part due to your recent experience with death. If there is to be meaning in such losses, then hopefully we will find it among the living.

My best to you, and to your friend. I hope that you find peace eventually. I'm hoping that for everyone on this site, including myself. I want very much for our losses to matter.

I so know you are right and I appreciate your perspective. I constantly have to remind myself that it was ME who lost a loved one, not them and although they try to be there as much as possible, they have loved ones of their own and day to day things. When my friends have lost loved ones, I am there for them but not in the way I for some unknown reason, want them there for me. We all agree that we are not rational during grief. It did help me to be there for her. I lost a little brother when I was young and was able to give her a perspective from her other children that was very important. It helps to feel like you can help others, I guess I just want them to know I still am missing them. Probably am more grieving the complete 180 my life has taken as NOTHING is the same. We (my 2 brothers and Dad) have not celebrated the last 2 Christmas's and my MOM would hate that. I need somebody to talk to who things I ROCK, but she is gone and for now, there is nobody else who can make me feel that way. So, I am just trying to grasp any straw and explain to my friends that is it more than my Moms death, it is the drastic change to my life and no real reason to exist.

So, thanks so much for responding and taking them time to put things in perspective. What a great place to begin to heal.

[beautifulmistakes]

No my dear, you are not "selfish" in feeling as you do ~ you're simply being honest with yourself and with us about the way you do feel. It seems to me that what really matters here is how you behaved toward your bereaved friend, in spite of how you are feeling. It is very, very difficult to "be there" for another mourner when we are in the fresh throes of grief ourselves. At such times it can be very hard to distinguish whose grief we're dealing with ~ theirs or our own. You are to be commended for being there for your friend when she needed your support.

It's sad that your other friends are treating you as if your friend's pain is somehow more important or more significant than your own, and you have every right to feel hurt about that. In his wonderful book A Grief Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, author Jerry Sittser observes,

"I question whether experiences of such severe loss can be quantified and compared. Loss is loss, whatever the circumstances. All losses are bad, only bad in different ways. No two losses are ever the same. Each loss stands on its own and inflicts a unique kind of pain. What makes each loss so catastrophic is its devastating, cumulative, and irreversible nature . . . So whose loss is worse, hers or mine? It is impossible to give an answer. Both are bad, but bad in different ways" (pp. 33-34).

You may find this post helpful: Comparing Our Losses

Thank you thank you thank you......I know that loss is loss and nobody's is less or more important. I hope I did not sound like I am trying to compare my loss, just was hoping to have it acknowledge. Would I trade her places? no way, and she had already lost both her Mom and Dad. She has suffered so much loss, yet is such an amazing woman. I was not trying to discount hers or anybody elses loss. It is our own journey and you truly can not compare losses. for some of us, our pets are our children, the pain of their loss is as deep as somebody who loses a human child. Others think we are insane and need professional help because we feel that way. We all need to be better about being o.k. in our own grief, lean into it and know that it is all loss and experience it our own way and don't try to compare it. Its like comparing apples to a new sweater, you just can't do it. One thing we ALL want is just permission to feel and work through it at our own pace and know that they don't give up on us.

Thanks again, I really appreciated the link about comparisons.....perspective is an awesome gift.

[kath]

Dear Beautiful,

Your post struck me as I went through something similar after my husband died. My sisters each took a turn staying with me for the first week. That was all. Then they were gone. "Kath was going to be alright." During the first year, one sister went through a horrible divorce. She stayed with me for a little while, looking for some solace. I gave it to her and even opened my heart to understand her loss. At a year and a half my nephew died. It devastated my entire family. All my (4) sisters have children the same age as my nephew (except mine are much younger) and they could totally relate to the pain and sorrow my brother and his wife and daughter faced. I could, too, and having my recent experience had hoped to help my SIL and gave some unappreciated advice to family on what helps, what doesn't.

This Christmas was the one year angelversary for my nephew. Again, my sister was here and we were talking about my brother's family. I made the comment that my SIL looked better, that she wasn't wearing the "face of grief" as much. I recognized the face after seeing it reflected back at me for so long. My sister said in a huff, "Well, it's only been a year!" And I was taken aback by that. How could she not know I understood? And where was she with all her understanding when I was at a year? I totally get the vibes that I should have moved on long ago. Strange how even those that you think know us the most, understand us the least. You are a good friend. The worst loss is when it happens to you. It isn't selfish to talk about it, it's required to heal the broken heart. Even in her deepest pain, my sister-in-law apologized to me. She really didn't know what to say after my Bob died. She didn't get it. Sadly, now she understands too well and I wish she didn't.

[Korina]

If I couldn't talk about or write about my feelings, I don't know where I would be.

And I LOVE 'Angelversary' - perfect!

Korina