Thoughts On Grief.....

[Daughter2010]

Its the end of the day here, and I am finally relaxed, with my mind off the daily activities and I guess I am reflecting on my grief. I am finding that no matter how much people can tell you you can or will feel this way or the other about your loss....Grief is just so unpredictable.

I even wonder how have I been able to function on the day to day things, at work, at home, taking care of new responsibilities, etc. It is true no one can tell what tomorrow will bring. I never thought grief will feel this way. With my dad not being here it feels like my joy is gone. I don't think I will ever be the same person as I was before his passing.

There are days where I feel so strange, like I am just going through the day on auto-pilot mode....and others I don't feel like talking to my friends, their conversations seem so trivial, where I find myself focused on meaningful conversations. I have noticed I have less patience with people in general, and not because I am angry or bitter, I just don't feel like it.

I guess I am rambling a little....and I vent here because none of my close friends have lost a parent, so they don't understand why I am being the way I am. At times they expect me to be the same person from before, and I know I have changed.

Anyone care to share thoughts?

-L

[Chai]

L,

All I can say is, I can relate. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I don't know how old you are, but I'm nearly 22 and about to finish college, and it is so hard to find a friend to talk to in grief. Our peers just don't understand what it is like to lose a parent (if anyone at all). Everything you have voiced, I totally have felt and am still feeling those things - the dismissal of trivial things, the search for the meaningful. I've been going on autopilot lately and ignoring my grief, but in the back of my head there is that yearning for the meaningful.

Also, I feel like grief has given us the ability to see a BIG PICTURE. Previously the world was all about us and the little things. Having someone close to us pass on, makes us realize, there are so much bigger things. There are bigger things in the world, and then there are bigger things that can live in our minds and hearts. One of those big things you and me and the people on this site wrestle with is grief.

The friends of ours who expect us to be the same - I think they're just scared. They want everything to be normal again. But you and me know that things won't be "normal" again. They've changed forever. Our losses have changed us and will shape who we become, whether for better or for worse. We are different people now than we would have been had we not lost loved ones. That's just a hard fact.

I think the tough thing to do is acknowledge that, and then look into finding meaning. I think, you should not feel bad for finding some of the things your friends' minds are occupied with, trivial. You just can't help it. No use forcing yourself to fake it. And if they say something, well....it would be hypocritical of me to tell you, to share outright with them, how you see the world differently. I haven't shared it with my friends much. In fact, I've done bad job at sharing in general, except for journaling and on this site. I don't even share enough with MYSELF!

I, too, wonder how I am able to function sometimes. I'm at 15 months, and I'm functioning, but deep down I wish I weren't. I feel guilty for functioning properly. I don't know if I'm doing better, or if I'm only functioning because I haven't been letting myself think of grief lately. If I'm "feeling better," than I'm mad at myself, and if I'm ignoring my grief, than I'm still mad at myself. Either way I guess I'm just mad at myself.

But I can totally relate to what you're saying about the friends. I was so angry with them, at first. Now I just wish I'd opened up more to the few available listening ears, because in the real world outside of this site, I clam up about my grief and am lonely, lonely, lonely. (Or I have made myself such, by not sharing enough). I know that I'm really not lonely, 'cause I have everyone here, but...it's so hard for me to say anything in-person, with my physical mouth. Stupid mouth.

Well, wish I could end this on a happier note, but I've got to go to my job. I hope that my sharing might have helped in some way, at least in knowing, that you're right and you're not alone.

take care,

Chai

[Daughter2010]

Chai,

Thanks for your input. Looking at my own behavior made me question whether I was still allowing myself to grieve. Although the crushing pain in my heart has eased a bit, I still cry for my dad and will for a long time. I guess I am just going through emotions and realizing that grief is experienced in different ways, and when at first I thought I would feel in despair and in a black hole forever, that has not been so. I have realized my dad left his family with a tremendous treasure , not material but of the heart.I am so glad I can remember so many happy moments with him. He left his family with a legacy of love, courage, passion, and caring for others. He didn't impose anything on anyone but rather lead by example. I just wished we could have had him on earth for longer time.

I am so proud to be his daughter, and I want to make sure I make him proud, as my way of saying I love you and thank you. There is always a big picture, and when we focus on it, it brings meaning to us.

Thanks,

-L

[loulou]

daughter and chai,I feel the same way.I go from being angry,to numb,to inconsolable.I have been changing the way I see things and changed how I feel about people.I have really looked at alot of the people in my life,and said ,no,no,you arnt right for me.Chai,I also feel I have no one to talk to,because alot of my peers don't understand.Also my relationship with my dad was diffrent.He thought he was in his 20's still,and always chose girlfriends that wern't much older then myself.I used to hate it,but now I realize that it made us closer.I never had to be someone I was not.He was the freest spirit I have ever known,yet he took care of me my whole life,and was always there.He was the only person who knew me fully,and I feel like he took alot of me when he died.Instead of thinking of dumb things,I know feel the need to know things on a deeper level.What is life about?Is there really an after-life?You are sooo right.The grief has changed me,for better or worse.I'm still changing because my grief is still coming in tidal waves.3 and a half months,and I'm still drowning in tears.Daughter..auto pilot is the exact term I use when the mindless numb feeling comes over me.I wonder now,how many people are walking around in so much pain,,from the loss of someone they love..I was so blind to it before.It has debilitated me.sorry:blink:I try to help,but then my emotions come tumbling out.

[niamh]

hi dear friends,

I can relate to so much of what you all are saying here....auto pilot is just so right L. I remember asking people a few years ago (my cousin who lost her Mom was one)...how do you do it ? how do you get out of bed every day and face the world coz at the time I thought if this ever

happened to me I would not be able to even get out of bed. At the time people would just say "you just do" and I could never understand that,

how could you "just do it". Now I realise for me the only reason is the emotional numbness to it and I think that's why certain aspects of grief hit in tidal waves....when they hit I am inconsolable with crying, sobbing, asking why and obviously I can't exactly function too well during a time like that, hence that part comes and goes. I sometimes think our minds are either extremely strong being able block things out to enable "normal" functioning or else the mind is so fragile that it has to block it out for a period of time or the mind would simply "break".

Sometimes I find a tear coming and it's like I subconciously block it all out and stop it because I know how bad the pain is when I let it in properly because like you say L, it's such a crushing pain in my heart. I don't do this all the time tho, as always there are times when nothing will stop this and it pours out of every single cell I have.

Chai and L ...I can so relate to your friends wanting you to be "normal", "the same". I have opened up to a few of my very close friends and sometimes I want to scream at the world, I am different now, the old me is gone and will never ever come back. I feel I am not only grieving for Daddy but for all of myself that I lost with him. This is something I've not really talked about with anyone, because truth is i find it hard to understand myself ...how am I different, what is different, is what's different temporary while grief is so raw. But deep down I know it's not, I know I am changed forever somehow but I just don't know how, I just feel it. I think my heart skips a beat when people mention the old me, the one they want back, the one they think will come back with "time".

I also kinda relate to you saying you clam up about grief in the real world. While I talk to friends I've realised I talk about my grief in general with them, just the weird ways it impacts me but truth is never about the real honest pain....that I seem to only be able to write about....coz the words just don't come....so I'm with ya hun with the "stupid mouth" I bumped into an old college friend last recently in a bar and even though I was numbed up after drinks when he looked at me I just burst out crying ....he sat with me and I could not get the words out, my head was a mess, he was the first person I've met since who didn't know so I had to tell him....I probably sat their for 2 mins crying and trying to say something (I know he was looking at me stupidly wondering, WHAT are these tears about)...eventually I managed "I lost my Dad at Christmas" ....that was as much as I could say.

I've never realised like you said loulou the others walking around carrying pain deep down inside so you just don't see on the outside during day to day stuff. 2 of my friends in work spoke to me on a work night out recently one lost his Mom in the last 10 years, the other 21 or so years ago (as a teenager) ....it still brought tears to their eyes telling me. (and it was the first I knew of it and I am great friends with them!!!) I think it really hit me then, no matter how much time goes on, this is here forever, this will forever bring a tear or two or a million even after 21 years. I guess that scares me....not that I want to "not" cry after 21 yrs but just how much it really does just become part of you forever and these guys were evidence of that. Being only 35 I just thing DAM, it's too long, I should not have to deal with this for half a lifetime or longer.

L, your words "I am so proud to be his daughter" really hit me ....it's something I said as part of my Dad's eulogy, so proud of who I am because of him. Someday I'll put it up here, I want so much to share what I said from my heart that day. Haven't been able to look at it since.

so hugs to all of you dear friends and a million billion thanks for just being there,

niamh

xo