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Betrayal...


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Hi there,I'm having trouble with a situation,and decided to throw it out there since the only help I get is from this site.I will keep this as simple as I can.Most of you know that my bestfriend and dad died on Jan.1st.HE was 49 and had a girlfriend of 12 years,that was considerably younger than him.They have 2 children,a 1year old and a 8 year old [same age as my children].For the week after he died his girlfriend and I seemed close.Since then she has started ignoring me,wont return my calls,wont let my sister call me,she has been going to the bars and lying to me about her kids being in bed when they arnt even home,and now above all else has been spending alot of alone time with my dad's bestfriend.My brother and I are convinced they are "getting together",and I'm so hurt and mad,I wont even say what I want to do to her.I have started to tell myself there are no coincidences and at my dads funeral there was 1 open seat in the front row with the family and a strong urge came over me right before the sermon started to go grab my dad's bestfriend and sit him with the family.[i did].Now I'm confused,and don't know how to deal.I feel like they didn't even love him.[He loved her so much and was so good to her].He died in the snow working a side job for HER,she refused to work.Now she will be living off my dead fathers social security,and I'm left with nothing but a hole in my soul.What should I do?Any advice or words would help. Loulou

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Loulou,

A similar situation occurred in my family 9 years ago. My father remarried in his early sixties, but he found out within months that he could not stand living with his new wife. She was moody, a bit unstable, and would make public scenes out of their private business. She would blab about my Dad to everybody including me, and everybody soon got sick of her. So my Dad separated from her. He could have and should have divorced her, but this woman had medical problems. Some of her medical problems were real, and others imagined; she was a hypochondriac. So my Dad stayed married to let her stay on his medical insurance policy. Nice guy eh? A decade passes. My Dad discovers he's got stomach cancer; maybe a year to live. He gets so sick he can't take care of personal business anymore. Meanwhile my 3 siblings and I discover that this woman has obtained a lawyer and intends to take all of my Father's inheritance! In my Father's last month of life we had to get power of attorney and have this woman and my father divorced. She still got half of his money. To top it off, this woman did not even show up for my father's funeral.

With all her new-found money she found doctors and all the medications she ever wanted. She spent her time buying all kinds of expensive things from the Home Shopping Network and elsewhere; unopened boxes filled her home (also bought with my Dad's money). In short, this woman ran through a very substantial inheritance in a few short years. Her son seeing all this became disgusted, and he made a decision to abandon her. Now she is abandoned, drugged out, mentally unstable, and looking at poverty.

I tell you this story, because it illustrates what can happen to greedy people. They don't make their own way in life, and sometimes they simply self-destruct. I hope you find some good options in your current situation. Get advice, think things through, act judiciously.

Ron B.

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Ron,thank you for responding to this post.I wasnt sure anyone would know what to say.I like the fact that you showed me what selfish and heartless people do to their selfs.It is true,hopefully,that what goes around comes around.I would think I would be mad enough to spit nails at her,but instead I feel this tired resignation.I feel so sad that not only his bestfriend,who is like a uncle to me,would do this,but the women he literally gave his life to,could move on after 2 small months.I wish the anger would kick in because it feels better than this blah state I have been in for the last week.Thank you again Ron,you helped me just by letting me know there are betrayals,that it wasnt just my dad,but that people everywhere deal with these kind of things.It's hard for us 'good' people to understand how people could treat others so thoughtlessly.;)

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Lou Lou-I somewhat know what you're going thru.On top of your huge loss you aren't getting the support/the being near someone that was close to your father..

I don't know if giving "her" time to deal with the loss in her own way will help-perhaps it will.Or perhaps she is just that type of "person" that only uses people and could care less about anyone else.I do hope it's the first,that she is just hurting and perhaps being in contact with you makes things worse because you are a part of your father?? But as you said, they're other children too.

Just please don't let her actions upset you so....it's a shame that all of you can't be there to support each other.But if she is not willing,there isn't much you can do,but give yourself time to heal and move on like your father would want you to.

See in time if she comes running when she wants something :)

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Annette..You are so right.I think the thing that is bugging me is that I'm not getting support or time with them.I have started hearing more and more that this seems to happen alot,I just had no idea.I guess it isnt even my business[something my wise old little brother said].I want to be mad,I feel my dad would be destroyed,but they say when you die you dont hold on to negative feelings.Even so it's a hard pill to swallow.I have to go there today to get my stuff from her,[pictures from the funeral and my dad's ashes],I dont know what to say or how to act.I have to admit, I'm nervous and would like to ignore this.Thank you for your calming way of seeing things.I will take a deep breath,and relax.

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Loulou - I hope your meeting to retrieve some of the personal effects you mentioned went well. I'm so sympathetic to your experience... I know how it feels to be lost in the morass of grief, and yet plotting the best way in which Justice could inflict a painful and meaningful punishment on those who can't seem to appreciate Respect. Don't feel guilty about it (assuming you're not spiking her coffee with rat poison), fantasizing is a tried-and-true way to work through your emotions. I try to keep my anger in check, but thinking about the ways that the Universe might chime in to help me with that does help me work through some angst. It also causes me some lost sleep, but I'm trying to find the balance. Whatever happens with these members of your family, I wish you the best.

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