Just So Lost And Lonely

[niamh]

I've been reading posts these last few days but just haven't posted anything. Truth is I don't know what to say anymore, I feel like a broken record. It's 14 weeks this week and while it feels like only yesterday, it also feels like a lifetime ago that I talked to my Dad and had him here......sometimes it even feels like that was all a dream, like I don't know anymore what life was like with him.

I have nothing at all to look forward to and don't feel like I ever will again, there was nothing he wasn't a part of in my life, nothing I did without him. So there are just reminders everywhere of this enormous gaping hole in my life. I hate the summer coming along, no Dad there to take my Mom away for long spins in the car.No vacations to look forward to (he loved NYC so much and we should be planning a trip there now) and I hate hearing people talking of their plans for vacations.

Every day is just so lonely. Couldn't sleep well last night, just couldn't stop thinking about those last minutes, the hospital telling us over and over "it's not looking good" and the crushing pain I felt knowing that was it, my good life was being snatched away from me and all I wanted was my Daddy to tell me it would be ok.

I just don't know how to live without him, the thought of being around for years to come without him scares me but it's all I can do to just exist.There is nothing at all in this world to bring me any happiness now so I just struggle on with every day, wishing away the days,weeks,months & years.

just don't know what more to say, thanks for letting me get this out,

Daddy's lost little girl

[Kavish]

Hi Niamh,

I don't think we can ask for them to be here on this earth with us. I think of my best friend, and I think how happy I would be when I see her again in the sky , not on the earth. I do not attach myself to things , and work on spiritual bonding with my best friend, and I read the book "Life after Death" by Deepak Chopra which said, life was always a disappearing act, we must not fear death just because we can't see. We believe in our faith and we will be united in the heart . They are here and everywhere.

Take a deep breath,

Take care,

Kavish

[Karensdaughter]

This month was 4 months for me. I was my mom's only child, so I know what it means to do everything with them. My mom was a beautiful and talented woman who died of a terrible degenerative neurological disease after beating cancer twice and heart disease. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and as spring gets closer, things like my birthday and hers, mother's day, easter all that come, its getting harder.

There are going to be days that you aren't going to be able to stand it, but it will get better. Please make sure you have someone to talk to, a counselor, a pastor, a friend-someone that is removed from the situation. It helps immensely. Take Care

[leeann]

Niam.. I know... Can you trust me when I tell you it WILL get better?

I found in the beginning it was too overwhelming to look too far into the future. So I decided to just handle the day in front of me or the hour or the minute... whichever one I could handle in that moment. Sometimes.... many times.. it was 1 minute at a time.

Nope.. none if us knew how to live without our loved ones here with us at first. I think that is something we learn to do over time and I think we learn it by simply doing it.

There IS happiness to be felt. I know I struggle with sadness.. still... but I have learned it is best for me to call it what it is.. "sadness' & "grief" and to remind myself that it is all normal... however painful it is.

If I see how I feel for what it is... sadness & grief....I have a better chance to keep it in perspective. I can say it is just PART of who I am and what my life is about at the moment. There are other parts and other experiences that I have. And I find it helps me to be grateful for the parents I was blessed to have. It is very hard for me to feel completely hopeless and grateful at the same time. So I hang on tight to gratitude.

Hope today is a teeny bit better for you. (((((Hugs))))

[niamh]

Thank you Kavish. I've seen that book a few times but never actually got it, maybe just not ready for it.

Yeah a friend of mine did say "they never leave us, they just support us in a different way". I guess I feel frustrated that I don't feel my Dad around me, I question so much ....is he really still somewhere in spirit and if so why don't I see any signs, why don't I feel him like others can feel their loved ones. Maybe in time....who knows.I know in my heart he would do absolutely anything for me coz he always did so it makes me question so much....why isn't he doing something now. Maybe he is here around me all the time but the pain is so severe I just don't feel him yet...people tell me I absolutely will in time.

Death is actually the one thing I look forward to (not in a suidical way) but just to have the chance to be with my Daddy again and never have to let go again, get a hug, have a real proper chat or whatever is done "up there"

everything feels so surreal sometimes, even as I write this I'm thinking wow, yes I am really doing this (writing in such a forum) because my Dad is really gone. I just got a funny email a couple of mins ago and for a split second thought Dad will get a kick out of this....and then no, he won't be coming home to dinner and saying how funny it was.

miss & love you so much Daddy,

[loulou]

I have just passed my 2and1/2 month mark from my dad passing away.My father was my BESTFRIEND,cheerleader,protector,anything I needed.I feel lost and lonely too.Im not close to anyone that is mourning for him.It's just me.I cant tell if Im taking a long time to recover or not.I have no one to tell me whats o.k.He was so amazing,Its hard for me to see no one mourning.I was just speaking to my mom on the phone,and I said something along the lines,"oh,maybe that was a sign from dad," she said..."he isnt doing anything,he is dead and gone.dead and gone!I know you dont believe it but it's true."I dont know where that came from but it hurt my feelings,and Iv been crying all day.She had been divorced from him for 20 years,and had a strong dislike for him.But I was always daddys girl.I lived with him when they got divorced.I cant face it he is gone.We would chat for hours a day on the phone.I miss him soooo much.I wish I could have told him how much I love him,how much I appriciated all he did for me.At least I have this site,it helps not feel so alone.

[niamh]

Thank you too Leann and karensdaughter for the kind words.

I am sorry for both your loses too,as u know there are no words.

Leann,I try so much to trust what you say,trust that others I know have been thru it and come out the other side,it's just so hard. I need to try more to

just live in the now and not think to the future,it was something my Dad and I used to talk about,he would always talk about just "being" in the very moment you exist in,tmrw will take care of itself. Am trying so hard.

I do have some very good friends that are just angels,none of them pushing me.went out for dinner with one last week and she said she could see changes in me,she said from the outside I seemed a tiny bit "better" if that's even the word.

I agree this just becomes part of me,i see in some books they talk about letting the person go,letting the grief go.here's how i see it, i will never let either go, for now I feel grief is something that is seeping into every single cell in my body causing this enormous continuous pain that is in full view of everyone. One day it may get there,become so deep into me that it's no longer visible to everyone else all the time.that's what I see with others who've come thru,it's just a deep rooted part of them now and they can live with it meanwhile I'm trying to readjust.

I'm so thankful for the people here who never judge.I never really knew what grief truly was and that it doesn't matter what age your parents are,how sick for how long,nothing makes it easier.altho I lost an aunt who was a second mom to me and best friend,nothing compares to this.

I am beyond grateful for my loving Dad but just can't look to the past and memories yet.maybe I'm scared because there are only so many photos,there won't be new ones just like memories.it just feels all wrong when I hear people say "he used to ...,he loved that", it's those 2 extra letters "ED" which put it in the past and makes it so awful.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts me,lonely as it is I know I am not the only person in the world going down this long road and knowing Im "normal",I'm ok.

Hugs to you all. Like I said to loulou recently maybe all our loved ones are up there meeting each other talking about their loved ones down here! Here's hoping

xox

[niamh]

loulou extra extra large hugs to you,ur post brought tears to my eyes (I'm finding it hard to cry lately actually). I think I have absolutely no choice but to believe my Dad is somewhere otherise I think I would lose my mind completely.like Einstein said energy can neither be created nor destroyed.so our Dads are somewhere and I think someday we will know it,just when we are not waiting,looking or expecting it will happen.it has to.my Dad like yours I bet would move heaven and earth for me so he better be hard at work now.

You are in my thoughts daily Hun,

xoxoxox

[Daughter2010]

I can understand how you all feel about your fathers. Next sunday it will be 5 months since my dad passed, and yes it does feel like yesterday, and there is so much pain and grief...but every morning I wake up, look up to the sky, appreciate the beautiful morning, and I hope wherever my dad is, he is at peace, in a place of vivid colors, a beautiful garden and scenery, and full of joy. That's the thought that comforts me. Everyday I set my mind to work hard, and make my dad proud. He is not physically here but I keep him in my heart, in my mind and in my thoughts. Just because I cant see him does not mean he is not looking out for me and my family. I believe we as daughters, need to always remember the good, remember our fathers with gratitude and love. Yes, the journey without them here is hard, but unfortunately we have no choice but to go on.

Last night I was thinking about why are we here, and whether what happens to us is a result of our own choices and fate. I guess its a combination of both. I say this because I have asked myself why was my dad the first one to go if he was always so healthy and the backbone of the family...I have asked God this question many times. I have yet not understood the why...and I guess this is something to just accept and not question. I cried myself to sleep last night because even though I know my dad lives in my heart, mind and thoughts...I won't get to see his smile or tell him how much I appreciate everything he does for us, his family. This reality is too hard to take in at once, but I also look at the positive impact he had on other people, and I can see he transcended,he left a legacy of love, caring for others and hope.

My father was not a man who liked to show off, quite on the opposite, he enjoyed a calmed, relaxed, private life. But his passion for teaching and for sports led him to get to places and reach goals he probably didn't think of as a child. That inspires me, it gives me hope. I thank my heavenly Father for giving me such earthly father to guide me and teach me principles for life.

I know it is a tough road for all of us, we can cry and even throw a childish tantrum whenever we want to, but let's also remember what would make our parents proud...that would be the best way to honor them and thank them for being there for us. They are not completely gone, they have been assigned other tasks wherever they are.

A big hug to all of you, I sure understand your pain...let's remember to take things one day at a time.

-L

[niamh]

thank you Daughter2010

Maybe someday I will be able to think like you, want to make my Dad proud, live my life and find happiness. I'm just nowhere near wanting or feeling I can do that.When I think of my Dad it's just all pain, loss, sadness.

My Mom told me something a while back when somone said to me within a few weeks "you're Dad would want you to get back on the wagon again" .....it hurt me so much although I know it was said with the best of intentions ....anyways Mom just said "you know what niamh, Dad would want you to be and feel whatever way you want" and I believe that.Nobody understands it more than Dad and maybe for now he is the one who is having faith for me, maybe he knows this might become less difficult for me someday and he holds onto that for me because I can't just yet. He has to be doing something for me, he couldn't just be gone, I try to think of it as the bond just changing to a different type because he's not physically here.

I don't think I have ever felt more confused in my life, so many unanswered questions, so much frustration and a sadness I just never knew existed.

was in the middle of writing this post and went for breakfast with work mates, had to leave soon after as they were all chatting about summer vacations and I could feel the tears coming, I want to burst right now with the pain, want to cry so much but I just can't in work. I don't want to come back to my desk with red eyes.

one minute at a time eh, I'll try not to look any further,

hugs and big thanks to all

[loulou]

loulou extra extra large hugs to you,ur post brought tears to my eyes (I'm finding it hard to cry lately actually). I think I have absolutely no choice but to believe my Dad is somewhere otherise I think I would lose my mind completely.like Einstein said energy can neither be created nor destroyed.so our Dads are somewhere and I think someday we will know it,just when we are not waiting,looking or expecting it will happen.it has to.my Dad like yours I bet would move heaven and earth for me so he better be hard at work now.

You are in my thoughts daily Hun,

xoxoxox

I love when you you say our fathers might be up there together.I get this picture in my head of them.My dad would be cracking jokes and having a ball.I love to think of them like that.I think about you daily too hun.I think we understand each other,and right now that means so much to me.I feel like I cant speak my mind or act like myself to anyone else,or anywhere else.Our souls live on right?Am I crazy for thinking that?I dont know what to think.We should try to smile.I think about my little sister,who lost our dad at 8 years old.They were close,and I feel lucky to have had him in my life that long.Try to have a good day sweetie xoxoxo

[niamh]

no you're not at all crazy thinking that, I think the same... I have to, while I do question so much and really wonder what exactly is death, where is Dad, what is he like now, what does he do all the time, it's so hard to try to comprehend even the questions, not to mind the answers ! I went to Rome,Italy with him last summer and we sat outside St.Peter's Chruch in the Vatican for an hour at 11pm one night talking about life, afterlife etc. I tried to remember last night what he had told me he believed but I can't remember at all at all, I want him here to explain it to me coz I get so confused.

But I think I would go truly crazy if I thought he wasn't anywhere.there's no way life can truly end after our time here, we couldn't be put through all this for nothing, we must be on our way somewhere (BETTER!!!) and we absolutely have to see them again (and interrupt all their story telling of us !!)

yep we certainly do understand each other, while I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy I think there is some tiny comfort in knowing that I am not the only one thinking the things I do, feeling like I do and so on.

wow your poor little sister, only 8 years old.....I am certainly glad I had almost 35 with my Dad and maybe someday I'll be able to look back on it all and smile.

well my work day is nearly over, i hope you get through today ok hun and find a smile somewhere even if only for a split second

hugs,xo