First Bday Without Daddy

[Daughter2010]

Sunday of next week it will be my first bday without Dad here. I am feeling a bit strange about it. I will be traveling and spend that entire weekend with my family: Mom, and two younger brothers. This year, I am having mixed emotions about it because Dad is not here to celebrate it with me and I just see no excitement in it and on the other hand, I will be spending it with my family 'cause I feel the most important moments of life should be spent with those close to your heart.

I feel so strange and so different...I wonder who I am, who have I become after my father's passing. Seeing him happy made me happy, and this year I wont get to see that. And some may say, well a bday its only a number and only a day but to me it means those beautiful moments and memories built up over the years. I remember when I was 4 yrs old, Daddy gave me a purple umbrella for kids,I was so thrilled to have that umbrella knowing that Daddy bought it for me.

For this year my bday wish is to see Daddy in my dreams as I have only seen him twice in dreams for these past 5 months. I will be with my family and I am glad to do that, it's just that it will feel a bit different, no joy.

I really feel strange, has anyone else felt this way?

-L

[niamh]

Daughter2010

I already had my first bday without Dad on 26th feb. I have to say I found in excruciating.thankfully I was off work but getting up that morning,coming downstairs to see a birthday card from my mom was so painful,I was so lonely seeing only moms name on the card. Dad always sent me lovely emails on my bday,I will never again spend it in work knowing that email won't be coming.I was glad when the day was over. Mom and I had gone for dinner too the night before,again just the two of us was horrible. Other family who I wouldn't normally here from on it sent cards and presents which was so kind but all I wanted was that email.

I'm glad you will be with family.

I'm sorry my msg is a sad one that won't help you.

My parents anniversary is on Easter Sunday and I am dreading it,they will be 40 yrs married....i don't say "would have been" for this but are.

All these special days are so extra hard now,i dread every single one of them,like you I have no joy for them anymore,they are such large reminders of the huge hole in my life now.

I hope your Dad will pay a visit in a dream,that would be great. I'm still waiting and wondering

birthday hugs to you,xox

[DebFromLodi]

Don't let anyone tell you how to feel. I have had three birthdays without my mom and i still wait for "the call." Everytime the phone rings, I pray to hear my mom's sweet voice singing "happy birthday" but of course, it never comes. It does get easier, just never goes away but thank God for that. I know she would be here with me if she could. I know she loves me and I love her so very, very much. She is always in my heart as is your dad in your heart. So they are never far away, right?

[Daughter2010]

Niamh,

It's ok. I know to us daughters, not having our Dads is something so new and it is just part of the process. I guess I am just wondering how that day will be. Thanks for the birthday hugs :-)

DebFromLodi,

It is true, daddy is in my heart, so he is not far away. It is just that there are days that I long for him and wished he were here, but like you said, I know my dad would be here if he could. I don't want stop missing my dad, because If I did....it would be like forgetting, and I dont want to ever do that. Thank God for so many happy moments and memories of him I get to cherish...for now those memories make me cry because I just wished he were physically with us his family, to keep on building more memories......

Thanks for your reply.

-L

[loulou]

I had my b-day 3 weeks after my sweet father passed.It was sad and seems to make you feel like a precious part of yourself is gone.[i guess it is gone].It all hurts.His b-day was a week after mine.He would have been 50,and he was kinda looking forward to it.Then,super bowl sunday,That's dad's thing of course.On and On it goes.Will we ever be ok?I know the answer is yes,but I think b-days will always be sad.Our parents made us,and with out them there to see us turn another year,whats the point?

[Daughter2010]

Well, I spent the entire weekend with my family, had a b-day cake Sunday morning and we all just started talking about Dad. I couldn't help but feel that moment was bittersweet because it was us 4 seated by the table, not 5 like we always were for 30 yrs. We watched a slide show someone made with photos of him, very spontaneous photos and that's how I celebrated my b-day. Remembering Daddy. I carry a part of him and so are my brothers, we all have traits from my dad and mom. I visited Dad's grave that morning, said a prayer, cleaned up flowers and just sat there. I didn't want to leave that place. I just felt peace, and the sensation of closeness to daddy's remains. I am a part of him, he lives on through me and my brothers, and I guess that is the beauty of creation: Parents and their offspring being alike.

I did feel different in the sense that it was the first birthday spent without Daddy there, I kept looking at his pictures and trying to comprehend why Daddy wasn't physically there with us. I did not see him in my dreams, but that is ok, wherever he is, he is watching over us.

I did notice that when I am with my family, I unconsciously jump into protective mode, I am not able to cry much, but rather focus on spending time with them, help out with whatever is needed and just being there, specially my mom. Daddy wanted me to take care of her and not leave her alone, so I try to do that. Daddy was, is, and will always be an angel to us, we had the opportunity to know him, listen to his advice and to learn so much from him, for that I am eternally grateful. Life is so fragile and I have learned that every moment spent with your loved ones, whether that is an hour, a day, a year or a lifetime, is so precious and is not to be taken for granted.

I am struggling to adjust to my new reality, and it is difficult but one thing I can say about Daddy is that even though he wasn't physically there with me, his love for us was there. I do wonder why he had to leave this earth so soon when he was loved and appreciated by many, why things happened the way they did. At times I feel a bit upset because I spent my first 30 years with Dad and now...how am I going go on for the next 30 without him? At times I feel jealous of those who get to see their parents live well into their 80s and 90s because I would have wanted the same thing for Dad, but it wasn't possible, and it hurts. I don't think I will ever understand that, but I guess I need to accept it. How will I get to that stage?

I am back to my daily routine and now tears roll down my cheeks, I cry and cry. How do people go on when half of their being is gone? A part of me left when Dad passed. I pray to the Lord to guide me through these moments.

I don't want to end this on a sad note, because I know daddy is ok, I just miss him terribly, I am taking one day at a time and eventually someday I will be able to remember him without pain in my heart.

-L

[niamh]

hi Daughter2010,

BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Im glad you were able to spend your birthday including your Daddy like that. I'm still nowhere near close to being able to reminisce, maybe someday. Like you I had almost 35 years with my Daddy and I am so scared at another 30+ without him.....I feel it will be just misery, there certainly won't be as many memories as my first lifetime with him and in one way I hate time passing. I don't want to forget anything but am so scared as time goes on I will because I can't look back so I wonder if that will make me forget the little things. I lost my aunt 4 years ago (her daughter and I found her) and she was like a second Mom to me, we were so close. I certainly didn't grieve for her like I do now, there is no comparison at all. But as time went and goes on I don't think about her as much (certainly not since Dad)and I don't recall as many memories anymore. I don't want that to happen with Daddy, it can't happen can it, I hope not.

Surely when he was part of every single day of my life I won't forget like that.

UGH it just all sux where is the fast forward button !!!

xo

[bflyrn]

The 14th is my birthday. My dad died in January. I don't want to celebrate my birthday either because my dad is not here. I feel like he is the one or at least the first person that made me feel special. I still can't believe he's gone and I have to finish my years on this earth without him. I don't even feel like celebrating. How can you celebrate when one of the most important people in you life is gone?

I completely understand.

bflyrn

[Daughter2010]

Thanks Niamh,

Well, I am taking things one day at a time. I feel so different, i think my dad's loss has affected even the way I see my friend relationships, my boyfriend, even my family. On my family it has helped me and my brothers to look out for one another more and take care of mom. We were always united as family, and now I see us evolving in some way. I hope it is all positive, but we are all trying to understand our new reality, and we are grieving differently.

bflyrn,

I hope you have a good bday despite your grief. I am sure your father would want you yo enjoy that day, if not for you then for your dad, think of what he would want you to do on that day. I am not saying jump on one leg and all cheerful. Do what you feel is right. Big hug for you and I remember to take it day by day.

Hugs to all,

-L