Reluctant To Seek Counseling

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Even if you've thought about it or seriously considered it, several of you have indicated a reluctance to seek counseling for your grief.

This is a topic that's come up here before, and I thought you might like to read what others had to say about it.

See this thread especially, and make sure you read all the posts and follow all the links in it: Can Anyone Tell Me if Therapy Helps?

[loulou]

Marty,I thought I would ask my question here.I'm having a hard time with my mom.My family is super small,my mom and dad had been divorced 20 years and frankly my mom couldnt stand my dad,and said so often.She got a new boyfriend right as my dad died.She introduced me to her new bf while I was throwing up in her bathroom from the grief of my dad dying 2 days earlier.She told me the day before the funeral that my dad was in hell.She rolls her eyes if I cry in front of her.I tried to talk to her about how much I needed her and she said I was an adult with my own kids,and I dont need her.I told her an amazing story,that happened to me,it was that randomly at work (I waitress),I just so happened to wait on a nice lady and her husband.come to find out she was a morticion(?),i asked for what funeral home,(never saying a word about my dad just passing)and she names the funeral home my dad's funeral was just at.I told her so,and she asked his name.I told her and she cried,hugged me,and whispered in my ear that she "did" my father,and treated him with love and respect,like she would her own family,that he was in good hands...I cried,and it was very moving to me.I told my mom about it,and said maybe it was dad's way of telling me he was ok,and she said to me"he isnt doing anything for you,he is dead and gone forever...dead!"she was angrey and it hurt me.I'm really mad at her.I have never seen anyone act so selfish.she told my fiancee behind my back that my 2 year old is being bad because I'm so wrapped up in myself that Im not doing my job as a mom.But I have been home alone all day with a 2 year old since the day he died with no help.Please tell me how to deal with her.I want to love her,but I feel so disgusted with her,like she is toxic to me.There is so much more that she has done or said that hurt me.That's just a little.It's really bothering me.And I am looking into counseling,I know it will help me.I'm a talker!

[MartyT]

Loulou, dear, I’m so sorry that your mother’s behavior is so hurtful toward you, but I think in your heart you probably already know how best to deal with this person who is (in your own words) so toxic to you. It’s tragic that your mother cannot separate her negative and hateful feelings toward this man from the fact that he is your father -- but that is your reality, and for your own mental health and wellbeing, you need to protect yourself from such insensitive behavior on her part.

You have no control over how your mother feels and behaves, but you certainly do have control over if, when, and how often you choose to expose yourself to her. As I said in my other post, basically you have three choices here: When your mother makes disparaging remarks about your dad, you can grin and bear it, all the while making the enormous effort of ignoring what she’s saying and reminding yourself that here she goes again, and these are her opinions, not your own. Or you can try to “educate” her by pointing out to her that this is your father she is talking about, that you love him, that as his daughter you have every right to mourn the loss of him, and if you’re to continue to have a relationship with your mother, you must insist that she stop making these hurtful and angry remarks about your father in your presence. Or you can decide that, given your mother’s negative attitude and refusal to abide by your wishes, you will limit or completely eliminate any further contact with her, and look elsewhere for the support and understanding you need and deserve.

You know your mother and yourself far better than we do, and only you can know which of these options are worth the energy, time and effort you’re willing and able to spend on them.

Whatever you decide to do, I’m very pleased to learn that you’re seriously considering some counseling for yourself, Loulou, as I think it will help you gain the strength and confidence you need to better manage your relationship with your mother.

[loulou]

Thank you Marty,again you are right.I think I will continue to "grin and bear it"with her,and already I have limited my time with her.I just know that if god forbid something happened to her I would be very sorry for such intolerance on my part.She is my only parent now after all.I do love her,even if I dont like her all that much right now.I have been so blinded by myself lately.Naimh told me that it sounded like she was in alot of her own pain,and I think she is right.My mother has never lost someone she loves.Not even her grandma!She has no idea how it feels,and I guess I need to remind myself of that every once in a while.Thanks again.