Dad's Birthday Tmrw, Today I Have No Emotions

[niamh]

one last rant for today before my day ends (bed early ..I'm sick with the flu to add to it *sniffle sniffle*)

So Dad's birthday is tomorrow, I've been dreading it for weeks now. Last 2 days in work were a complete waste of time, I literally did no work,I tried but just couldn't. Thankfully I am off tmrw and friday so at least I don't have to spend it in work.

Anyways, not sure if it's because of his birthday but I feel like I have no emotions the last 2 days. I kinda just feel so frustrated, I can't shed a tear yet it's like something is building up inside me. Seems to be that numbness back again, I sit here thinking about what's happened and I honestly feel nothing ....it's so weird.

Flowers for his grave, that's all I can buy, wow that's just so crappy and just annoys me.

so yeah, feeling like a mess today and waiting for the volcano to erupt tmrw, honestly I'd kinda welcome the tears and would like to feel something again, this nothingness I don't like.

well, lots of hugs and love to all my friends out there

ni,xox

[Kavish]

Niamh,

As usual your messages are so near to all of us. I would just consider tomorrow to be celebrated as you would usually do, with a song in your heart for your dad. He knows you are there for him as he is there for you. You will persevere and live to see him one day. I feel that our loved ones will always be there for us.

All the best,

Kavish

[loulou]

I will be thinking of you and your daddy tomorrow.It was hard for my dad's b -day.My brother and I got together,but it was sad.I know what the numbness is like.How it goes back and forth.Sometimes numbness is worse because like you said,sometimes its better to feel.I hope its not too sad.And I hope your cold goes away,too.take care sweetie.

[niamh]

thank you SO MUCH my dear friend loulou. Got thru yesterday, was more cranky for the day than anything else. Today the floodgates opened up again, eyes are sore from crying. Went and got flowers and went up to Dad and just sat there in the sun for almost an hour. Just lost and searching for something i'll never find here on this earth.

hugs to you, I hope you are doing ok, I'm still right here with you every step of the way,xox

[niamh]

thanks again Kavish, yeah I like that thought that I will live to see him one day, it's so hard to have the patience waiting for that day and trying to live here without them. I did buy a small cake yesterday, not one I usually would but one of my Dad's favourites

hugs and thanks as always

[Daughter2010]

Niamh,

The best remembrance of your dad's bday is the cake and doing what you did. One day at a time.

Big hug,

-L

[Kavish]

We do remember them and support them as they have supported us through their life time.

Thanks,

Kavish

[jodo]

Hi Dear Niamh !! I haven't made a post for a few days now, but I wanted to tell you that on the 15th I thought about you all day, wondering how you were. It sounds like you got through it o.k.? Are you over your cold? Hope so ! I've been having a really hard couple of day's and really don't know who to talk to but I knew I could come here and someone would listen! I know you've talked about how sometimes you try to think about your dad but you can't? Does it feel like your brain is LOCKED ? It's a very strange feeling isn't it? Whats really bad about it is that I know that when my brain does "unlock" itself, the reality hits me even harder! It's like it socks me in the gut and makes me double over in EXTREME pain. I really do feel like I'm losing my mind. I know alot of people say that but I'm just feeling that It's worse than most people feel. I think the thing I struggle with most is feeling like I don't want to live anymore , it's not like I'm suicidal (I need to be here for my mom!) , But that I just can't function in society anymore! I do just the minimum to get by everyday. Well, just writing this has at least stopped my crying spell for the time being! Thanks for reading this, I've missed talking to you and LouLou lately! Hope you are well, Love and hugs!

[niamh]

Hi Jodi, my dear friend in grief . aw thank you so much and it's really good to hear from you. Thursday was definitely an odd day, I don't think I shed a tear, was still numb. I couldn't even go visit Dad.I got some flowers on friday and went up and sat with him for an hour, crying, writing in a journal to him.Spent another hour with him Sat.That's pretty much all I recall doing for those few days ...nuts eh !

It was like the floodgates opened saturday ....I woke up and just could not stop the tears sat and sunday. That's exactly it, brain is locked and just won't let you go there but yeah as you say it does in little bits and pieces and WHAM. I swear I cried myself to sleep so hard the last 3 nights it actually felt like my entire insides were going to just burst out of me from the tears, pain and reality.

I just find it so so hard to actually comprehend my Dad and I will never ever again live together on this earth, we will never go to McDonald's for a burger again ....it's just so hard to understand the finality of it.

oh hun I am right there with you on the living thing. I wish every day away and want it over, I wish I could fast forward my life so I would be near the end. But yeah like you I am not suicidal, I couldn't even think about actually doing anything again because of my Mom, I would not dream of putting that pain on her. I get this awful truly paralysing fear every so often that someday she will also be gone and then I fear what I may think of doing. But I try to put that out of my head and HOPE so much I have her for years and years to come.....I think "God" owes me bigtime so he better well leave my Mom here for a long time to come.

yep I do the minimum, I go to work and most of the rest of my time is spent watching tv, going to bed early.TV is the only thing that truly helps me escape the nightmware. I meet friends every so often for a little while, I don't hate meeting them but I can't say I enjoy it, I don't enjoy anything at all anymore. So I just exist now and for me it's the best I can do so tough for anyone who wants more from me.Hope isn't a lightswitch I can turn on, I just don't have any .....except for the hope and looking forward to being with my Dad again.

I can't cope with things like "positive" thinking and all that, none of it works for now and frankly I don't have the energy to even try, I'm over that stuff, it can work for other "bad" things in life coz they always pass eventually.....but this, this doesn't change. If something happens someday to make me smile again so be it, great ....truth is I don't really care anymore, been 4 months without it, I'm adapting so I just feel "WHATEVER" !!!! Guess there's some frustration in what I've just said, I can feel it as I think it and type

I'm glad the few mins of writing helped stop your tears for a bit. I find I'm either bawling or numb, there's no in between really for me.Guess the mind shuts down when it just can't take it.

I've been missing you and loulou aswell, think of you both every single day. In fact I kinda couldn't write much the last few days and actually when I hadn't seen any from either of you I was thinking, oh maybe things a getting less difficult for them now and so on and started thinking maybe something "wrong" with me !

This grief is so lonely eh

lotsa hugs and love to you and I hope you manage today ok, as best you can.

ni

xoxox

[jodo]

Hi again "Ni" !! Thank-you again for your always beautiful reply ! I wish I could print out all your posts and keep them in a scrapbook, they are all so helpful, and written so well. I really believe that you should publish a book ! I mean it ! I think you could help alot of people, you just say things in a way that we can all relate to ! Anyways, Thank-you for your "gift"!! I know your Dad's really proud of you ! I know what you mean about watching T.V.! For some reason if my brain is preoccupied with a tv show I can temporarily escape the pain ! Also what you said about McDonalds, It's little things like that (usually food related!) that really break my heart I guess I could go on all day about all the little "simple" things I am missing ! I wanted to mention something about "therapy" I started seeing a counselor (every week) and joined a support group a couple weeks after my Dad died , I can tell you that it helps a little , but the truth is it's getting a little frustrating because I realize there's really no one that can truly help me, I have to learn to deal with it somehow ? There is a positive side to it though- especially the one on one counseling ,and that is that you can talk about anything, and say it over and over (the broken record thing) and she will just sit and listen, which is nice sometimes! Well, I look forward to hearing from you (as always) ! Take Care, Love and hugs, Jodi

[niamh]

hey Jodi, aw thank you, that's such a lovely thing to say, I just write from the heart and soul. WOW, that is so weird that you say that about writing a book.It's something that came into my head a while back and it's still there.When this first happened, I had no idea what was going on with my entire being physically and emotionally. I had no idea what grief really was so I would spend hours in bed late at night googling grief and so much about it.I think I've googled every emotion I've had so far in relation to grief. I recall searching for things on losing a Dad and one of the other big things for me was the grief of an only child. While I now know grief is different for everyone altho we feel similar things, something about being an only child struck me. I could not find ANYTHING AT ALL online in relation to this. I remember telling a friend and she said no way there has to be something, so she went and looked and nothing at all.I was pretty surprised, there's nothing you can't normally find online but nada. I think that's when it first came to me, I certainly can't be the only "only child" dealing with this. Anyways, on went my search for books it took me a while before I could look for books and I read about 6 of them in January or so. I wanted something on a daughter losing a Dad, nothing else. I found one but when I read the bad reviews, people said the author just had so many "issues" with the relationship so that wasn't me for. The one I did buy was written buy a guy ....didn't find it any "good" for want of a better word, just a ton of stories from lots of people on their grief, not for me, didn't want to be reading about loads of people's stories. So I got some generic loss of a parent books, again not a whole lot touched me, again there were so many examples and so many stories from other people. Never really found what I was looking for and boy did that make me feel even more alone. I know I haven't read everything that's out there, but I searched amazon the best place for books and just couldn't find anything I truly related to. Some of what frustrated me aswell and this probably sounds completely off the wall was the fact that all the books I had got were written by writers, people who've written on so many other topics....aahhh. I guess finding this site helped with some of my search, just to find others feeling similar to me. So I still think about it and I write here, I write in a journal to my Dad (altho that's pretty repetitive ranting more than anything) and I write things on my comp when I think of things, feelings, comparisons to try to explain the feelings etc. And I copy out my posts from here every so often to make sure I have a copy. I would like to write that book. My Dad in fact did a course on writing a few years back, he and I always read a TON and he started some writing but never followed thru. So maybe someday I will.

ok enough about me. oh I'm glad you find the one on one counselling somewhat helpful, maybe some day I will. I guess I still rely on friends for now when I feel like it, (so often I just want alone time) but I definitely dont say I'll never go to counselling. Yeah the group thing seems to be pretty big in USA. Out of curiosity I checked online for something in my city...country even. Our citizens info though has so many organisations listed for bereavement and nothing at all for me, can you believe that, nothing for an adult losing a parent? It's all kids dealing with grief, parents losing a child, children losing parents, miscarriages and the list goes on. It angered me so much. I'm sure I could find out, maybe there's something just not online but I don't want to for now. Like you I guess I too know nobody can actually fix this or me, it's something we somehow have to learn to live/exist with.

well my wasteful day at work is almost over thankfully. thank you so much again for those kind words Jodi,

hugs and love as always and hope for a better day, whatever that is

ni

xox

[loulou]

Niamh and jodo,hi my friends.I'm sorry you both have been having a tough few days.I have to admit the same has been going on with me also.In fact I havnt been posting in the last few days because I have been feeling so awful.I dont know what to expect with my grief.I will seem like Im pulling it together then,I will totally go ballistic and cry and hurt so bad.I have been so overwhelmed with the confusion of my emotions,that I can barely put it into words.How do you get pass the pain?What is life about?Is there really a after-life?Are they happy?For me I wonder now if anyone else loved him as much as me,and does anyone love me as much as he did...I know the answer is no to both.It's heartbreaking,and so frustrating.I was angry with the world,just 1 week ago and now I feel so quite and disappointed inside.I dont even dream of him.Where is his spirit?Sorry,just some jumbled thoughts that dont make sense.Or do to the great people reading this.Thank you Niamh,for saying you missed us.It made me feel important.I miss you,too.Just so quiet inside.I think theres to many thoughts,they are clogged up.Does that make sense?xoxo take care and keep in touch

[niamh]

hey loulou, oh I hear ya on that and every sentence you write makes PERFECT sense to me. When this really hits home with me I can't write, can't talk just need a complete time out on my own so my brain can sort things out. it's like I can write then when the numbness appears back again.

It's funny you talk about how much he loved you, that was something that I lay in bed every night at the weekend thinking,trying to process that there is nobody here who loves me like he did and there never ever will be again.yeah people love me and all that but it's not the same, nothing is the same as Daddy's love and that's all I want now. All that then brings that question of what on earth is this all about and why do I have to suffer on for possibly another 30+ yrs without him knowing the best years of my life are over. Not matter what the future brings, he will not be physically here so everything will always be tainted with his loss, what the hell is the point of that. aarrrrrhhhhhh

yeah, I'm getting real sick of not seeing any signs, it's annoying me so much and then sometimes scares me so much trying to know where he really is but knowing I'll never get all these answers here for sure.

Told my cousin a few weeks back I just want to scream so loud and so hard ....I should probably drive somewhere that I can do that where there won't be anyone at all around to hear so I won't look like a complete nut but I have no clue where to go. I just need a sound proof room

so hugs and love as always and I always look forward to hearing from you and everyone else here,

xox

[niamh]

oh one thing I meant to say aswell. My Mom has been waking every morning with the most awful heartache, she said she feels her heart literally drop when she wakes up to it all. When I came home from work yesterday, she seemed a little different, she said she did not wake with that yest morning, she said she felt different somehow. All she knows is that she had a dream about Dad but said she cannot remember anything at all about it. I was so so glad for her. I didn't say it to her but all I thought and wonder is did my Dad actually come visit her and somehow gave her comfort. I hope today she feels the same and doesn't wake with that ache. It has gone before briefly but I never heard her say she felt something different so maybe.

I still wake with the crap, my heart races every morning when I wake, constant nervousness deep inside me! But whatever, I am just glad for my Mom.

maybe I'll be next ...maybe he'll visit ....