Talking Is Tough And Anger

[Chai]

Hi everyone,

hugs to all. I am at one year and 5 months right now, which is...I don't even know. I don't feel, as I did before, an anxiety about the time passing by since my dad was here with me. Now, I just feel resigned. Lately I have been pretty angry with the world. I am just so fed up with everything - school, people, myself, everything. Small things have started to tick me off. I have less patience and am short with people. I speak more harshly and say what is on my mind, with no qualms about hurting people or sounding awful.

I did not sign up for counseling this year, which was stupid. Now I have roughly three weeks left until graduation, and I am feeling like I did not do a lot of grief work this entire school year. Of course, it is my senior year, but...damn it, I feel so lonely. Everyone around me is so shallow and they just talk about material stupid things, all the time. Even my friends an hour away, who I've known for years, they are too busy with work and school. I visited them last week, and instead of getting to talk to them deeply, I went shopping with them (one of them needed a dress for an awards ceremony).

I am starting to feel infuriated at myself for never talking to anybody about my grief. And now, even non-grief little things, like my bike in the basement downstairs getting dusty, make me angry with myself. Maybe all my fury is coming from the fact that my grief has been kept inside (except here, and journaling) forever, it feels.

I looked back at an old journal entry, and I was thinking of stuff I would say to people - realizations, sad things, like that my dad was my best friend but I realized it too late - but then, what would be the point of talking to people? There is nothing they can do. This is permanent. Death is permanent. I continue to not talk to people around me, or even special people like certain friends and my mom. I keep being a clam. I don't want to be a clam anymore!

Now I don't even have my grandmother - my father's mother - to talk to about it, since she passed on last year. I think if she were still here, I would be ready to talk to her deeply about it now. When she passed on, we were at the 6 month mark with my dad, so it was still too tough. I still think she died of heartbreak.

Little things have been helping me. I journal. I come here and read, and post a little. I have been diving into religious anything and everything, lately. I have been going to temple weekly, and reading a lot, and even doing my mantra stuff. I am usually lax with all that, but lately it is the only thing that gives me comfort and makes me feel sane.

I cannot tell my mother how much I am hating school right now, because she pays thousands of dollars for me to go. Graduation is just a reminder of who will not be there; I do not look forward to it, except in that it means I will be finally done. I have invited a lot of friends and family to come to see me graduate, including my dad's brother (my rambling, politics-loving sweet uncle) and his wife. But you know what? I would give up having all those people there (except my mother), if only my father and grandmother could be there. I cannot tell you how much I wish I could glance down in the crowd and see them; even if he were in a wheelchair! If only he were still here.

An old friend of mine in India tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building, and shattered bones in his wrists and ankles. I haven't talked to him in years, and I wish I had. I feel like the misery he is going through, in his mind, maybe I can relate a little. I know what it is like to feel very sad and alone. He is hospitalized in Thailand right now; I have been following his health updates online. Thinking of him in a wheelchair or bedridden, it makes me think of my father. This poor guy, I knew him since childhood, and he is only 20, and he cannot even stand or walk right now without extreme pain. This reminded me of how, when my dad was in hospital, the idiotic people there left him in a wheelchair for hours and he was in excruciating pain - this soon after a spine surgery!!

Anyway I am going on. Point is, I feel like I am about to explode, I'm angry, and I feel I have no one to talk to. It makes me miss my dad even more, 'cause he'd have good advice for ALL of this stuff!

Any hugs or words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

hugs and take care,

Chai

[kath]

Dear Chai,

I am often wondering and thinking about how you are doing. I went through some similar experiences grieving my husband. I was angry at everyone and now, just recently I've been angry at Bob. It is just part of the process that has to be felt and worked through. It leaves me feeling guilty and disrespectful and I don't like it at all, but it's there. To not acknowledge it would make it worse. The hard part as we move further away from the dying date, is there are fewer and fewer people to talk it out with. Grief has become a dreaded houseguest that has overstayed its welcome. I suppose I feel that others expect me to have moved on by now. More often than not, I wish I could. But it has become a part of me as much as our life together has formed my very essence. I live, breathe, dream, talk, walk, cry, wear, the one I loved on a daily basis.

I am glad you are pouring yourself into your religion. I've found it to be a safe haven and I was so glad it was there when I had the time to devote to it. It was the calm in the midst of turbulence. I appreciated its consistency and timelessness. I embraced the routine and the familiar because everything else had changed. I don't go to church every day anymore and I guess I don't need to. I imagine you will reach a point that you will carry the truths of your faith with you and can find your inner peace outside the temple walls.

I'm sorry about your friend. This experience has certainly opened our eyes to the devastation in so many hearts. Reaching out to him may be just what you need. Share your wisdom. You are blessed with much, you know.

You are close to graduating! That is so admirable. What a tremendous strength you have had to be able to endure after losing your dad. So, tell me, is that a quality you inherited from him or your mom or maybe that uncle of yours? Chai, I hated when my mother asked me if I had "seen Bob" in an old familiar place. The reason I ached so badly was because I didn't have him here. Yet she insisted he was there and it angered me. Whenever you post I always feel you are at a turning point in your journey. Here you are ready to enter into a new stage of your life. It's stressful and carries a lot of uncertainty. Of course you want your dad and grandmother there with you. It took me a while to realize they are still with us. We can't see them, but they have left an indelible mark on our hearts, so as long as we are drawing breath, they walk within us. Your dad will be there. (If you hate me for saying that, I'll understand.)

Congratulations, my friend, for coming so far and doing so much. You will rock that graduation and if you don't believe me, look at your mom. Her heart will carry the love of all the people before you.

All my love,

Kath

[niamh]

hi Chai,

First of all big hugs to you from another Daddy's girl.

I'm so sorry things are getting so hard for you at the moment. Are your friends people you feel you could trust talking to. Looking from outside this I guess your friends have no clue at all how much pain you are in and because the see the outside of you to be "ok", they just assume you are "ok". I know there is nothing they can do, nobody can reverse this and make things better again but they can listen, they can hug you and while it doesn't make things all ok, I think there is something about it ...honestly I don't know what it is. But I know that I just am thankful when my friends listen, nope they don't understand, they don't have a clue, they can't fix me but I am still glad that they are just there.

I'm sorry you feel you can't tell your Mom how much you hate school but you know what I'm sure she would understand. You are graduating in 3 weeks so you DID it, you got through school through all of this (I sincerely bow down to you for that, I don't know how you did it ....maybe with your Dad somehow helping you thru without you knowing it). Anyways, your Mom paid for it and you finished it, I've no doubt she is so so proud of you....why would you like school now when you are missing your Dad so much and having to go through graduation without him .....that won't hurt your Mom. There are times when I don't want to upset my Mom, if I see she is "ok", getting through the day I don't want to bring her down, but sometimes it just comes out and I get a hug from her and I just feel like a little lost child in her arms and just glad she's there to give me that. I wish you would or could let your Mom be there for you right now.

I can so relate when you say your Dad would have the advice for all this. Someone called my Dad the fixer back in January and I couldn't have said it better. He is the ONE and ONLY person in the world who would fix all this, know what to say, what to do yet ironically he is the cause of it all. Daddy's are always great fixers.so many little things have happened in the last few months, stuff that has angered me, really really hurt me, stuff that Dad would have been the first person I'd go to about and now there is nobody. As good as my Mom is and others try half the time I just don't mention the stuff anymore coz I react badly when someone doesn't say or do what Dad would have and it makes me worse. So it goes through my head and I sit and think nobody, I have nobody at all who can advise me like Daddy would.

Sweetie, I also so sorry for you losing your Grandmother....2 major blows to you in 6 months, another tie to your dearest Dad. Hugs hugs and more hugs.

And so sorry aswell for your friend, I hope so much he will be ok, please keep us updated.

so I wish you could reach out to your Mom, let the tears come and let her be there for you. One baby step at a time, if you start with your Mom, maybe later on pick one friend, just all baby steps to open up.

so you will always have us here to talk to,

sending you lots of hugs and love

niamh

xox

[loulou]

Sweetheart,I'm sorry for your pain.You should be proud that you have kept up with your goals through this last year and 5 months.I too was a huge daddies girl,and lost him 3 and 1/2 months ago.I teeter on the edge of crazy most days.Anger?Yeah,I'm right there.Shortness to friends,me too.I speak harshly,and have little sympathy for trivial things.If I had to go shopping for a dress with my friends,I would be disgusted.:mellow:seriously,all my friends call me about is to gossip about people,andI have begun thinking...hmmm..this isnt right,I'm not in middle school.There is serious things to talk about and think about,like,the meaning of life,religion(which I've been obsessing about).Where our father's spirit is,things like that.I have been so overwhelmed with things like cleaning and bills etc.I just wanted to say,I know exactly how you feel.Exactly.Anytime you need to vent,please do.I like to relate to the people here.No one to relate to in my "real world". xo

[Aquarius7]

Hi Chai,

I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad and Grandmother. A big hug! ((((((( ))))))))

I can somewhat understand your anger and frustration. The older I get, the more impatient I get with stupidity. But you know what? We're all human. However, as I get older, I also tend to let things go more and realize that in the Big Picture a lot of things really do not matter. Also, I find that I am becoming more understanding with people, because lots of people out there are going through a lot. And we will all be gone someday.

It is great that you are graduating! Go for it and finish!

No matter how you are feeling, I feel it is important that you count your blessings. You still have your Mom here! Please enjoy and cherish every single second you have her. Tell her how much you love her and thank her for all she has done and does for you. In other words, count your blessings! You have a lot to be thankful for it sounds like.

Keep posting. We are all here for you and for each other.

[niamh]

hi Chai,

do you mind me asking you, did you always find it hard to talk about or was it later on that started happening ?

I guess I am finding it harder and harder to talk about, maybe because I simply have no words anymore, it's the same thing, the same feelings. I dont even talk with my Mom about memories of him, she will mention things to me every so often but it's like putting salt on an open wound....for both os us really.

Actually sometimes I find there just aren't even a lot of memories ....maybe they will surface in time, I hope so. I get so scared of forgetting things as time goes on, what if I can't recall things from years and years ago.

I'm also starting to freak out about photos, we never took enough of photos, especially of Dad, he was always the one with the camera taking them. Now I can't get anymore, I'm so afraid that there aren't a lot of photos of him at home. I regret it so much now, should have snapped so many more of him than stupid scenery etc. and now I can't change it ....UGH.

ok, in work, tears coming, so going to end this now.

Is your graduation next week hun ?

thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs and love

niamh

[Chai]

Dear friends,

You are such good friends to me in this time of hardship and struggle, and I thank you. You are all so sweet, wise, and understanding in different ways. Tomorrow is my graduation. I plan to wear various tokens of my loved ones - a rock my father used to have in his car for luck, in my pocket, and one of my grandmother's necklaces around my neck.

Kath, your post is very touching. I am amazed at what you are seeing in me. The thought that each time I post, there is some growth, had not occured to me, that I post at pivotal times in my grief journey. I am glad to know that you can see the process in me, because sometimes I do not feel like I am moving at all; rather, I feel stuck, and since - like you said - as we move further from the death date, there are less ears to listen, I feel even more stuck. I don't mind at all the idea that my father will be watching over me; thank you for that thought.

niamh, hugs from another daddy's girl, and I appreciate your encouraging me to be honest with my mother. Since my dad passed away, I have less patience for beating around the bush, and value family more. I am going to try to be more honest with my mother about anything and everything. I've sent her a couple more "grown up" emails lately and spoken to her more as a peer...I think it unnerves her a bit. But it feels good to me. I want to be able to develop my relationship with my mother, with us both as adults, since I will not get quite that opportunity anymore, with my father now gone.

Aquarius, thank you. I utterly agree with what you said about the Big Picture. So much stuff does not really matter. It is unfortunate that it takes something large and tragic in my life to make me realize this, but at the same time, I think it is good that I am realizing it now. I can now go into my future and value the things that are really important, and not waste time, because that fear of the Big, Important Things, has less hold on me. I hope to make my father proud. He would be overjoyed to hear my realization of learning to value the big things in life. I can hear him laughing about it in joy right now, in fact. =D

Ah, and you are right on counting blessings. I forget that sometimes, but you are right. My sister and uncle could not come to graduation after all, but I've my mom, stepdad and brothers, and so many people are waiting to congratulate me when I get home. I feel very loved. I am blessed in comparison to many.

Niamh! In reply to your second post, oh my heart goes out to you, girl. You sound so much like me in my beginning. I, too, worried about photos, and had a hard time talking. Do not worry. Some day, you will want to and be ready to talk. When you are, I advise you find a shoulder to cry on, literally, someone sweet and strong who will just listen, and don't let them go. The reason I have trouble talking still, now, I feel, is because I did not find the right people. It hurts so much right now, to still be struggling, and to feel I have little people outside of this site, to talk to about my father. Please don't be like me. When you want to, go and search, however scary it may be, for someone to talk to. It is an invaluable thing to help you in your grief journey. (and on photos, cherish them! I too have few photos, because my parents were separated, and many of his photos were lost...but I am so grateful for the photos I do have. Look at them again and again, and as your grief journey progresses, what each photo means to you will change. At least, that's how it is for me).

And as for memories...they will come, too. I used to try and force it, and would get so furious with myself if I could not remember a specific conversation in detail. Now I just let it come, and if I can't remember specifics, that's okay, I still have the happiness and serenity that accompanied my father to wash over me.

Thank you all SO much for your words! You are liken to angels, all of you.

Love and light,

take care,

Chai

[Daughter2010]

I realized for the first time in my grief,Daddy's passing made me react with anger last week. On my return trip from visiting mom, I found myself angry at life and even at God for dad not being here. I felt impotent for not being able to find or do anything to make my dad feel better. Mom is having a hard time with everything, she is strong but we all are realizing the void his passing left in our lives. The day to day stuff, mom takes care of some of the stuff dad use to do, my brother helps out, I help as much as I can but even then it is difficult. I felt angry for that, angry at the fact that I don't have my father here, that I miss his hugs, his words of wisdom.

I don't blame him he did more than enough, he was so brave til the end. I still remember the words he said to me 3 days before his passing. He knew somehow his moment was near and that is so difficult to accept. Even at 7 months into my grief, it is difficult to keep on living our day to day things. At times I wished I had the answers to everything, maybe then I could really understand why dad to leave this earth at that precise moment.

I know we have no other choice but to accept the fact that our loved ones are not with us anymore, at least not physically. It is just that during this time I have felt like I am just existing and even though I am trying to do what would make my father happy, knowing he is absent makes the road rough.

Thanks for listening.

-L

[The_Animal]

Chai, Understandable...

I seemed to be locked into a cycle of anger. When I hear people whining about petty things like they lost their job...and are having to find another one or they didn't get the raise they wanted; I just seem to see red and have to nearly staple my mouth shut to keep from saying "Look, things could be worse for you...YOU COULD BE DEAD! So SHUT YOUR MOUTH, QUIT WHINING...and go find yourself another job or work harder for that raise!!!"

Maybe I'm not too sympathetic, but that's the way my father's death has affected me.

[Chai]

Dear L (Daughter2010), it is certainly a tough road. It is ironic becuse it seems we have lost the people who would help us most to walk this tough road. But at least we have each other, right? I find that coming on this site helps to remind me that I am not alone.

I too, wonder why God picked that precise moment to cause my father to pass on - why that time in his life? that day? place? etc. But I cannot claim to understand why God picked that; all I can do is try and live with it, and to make my father proud. I think remembering that our fathers would be very proud of us right now, is helpful. Yes, you are just existing, but I think your father would be very proud of you for it. This time is tough, as you said, but you are making it. You are getting through it. Even just day by day, that is good, and so very brave.

Animal, thank you for your post. You are totally coming from the same, Big Picture place that I am. yes! when people complain about small things, I want to yell at them too. At the same time I sometimes feel fueled by small things into anger, but really it is the grief talking through me and reacting to little things.

You know, it is really hard to be sympathetic sometimes. We have experienced the worst pain, pain that people just can't understand at all without being in our shoes; so being unsympathetic to others' small things, I think, is understandable. I won't say I'm proud of it, but I can relate. At the same time, I am hoping to let go of my anger, because I think there are few situations where anger is helpful.

But I am relieved I could vent it here to you all. Thank you!

[Daughter2010]

Thanks for your words Chai, I know, we have each other to somehow understand what we are going through. This morning I woke up thinking about Dad not being here and knowing that if he could tell me something he would make sure we all kept going. He wouldn't want us to stay depressed or submerged in our grief. Maybe I am having one of those go-getter days...but i always saw dad very focused, disciplined. He lost his parents at an early age, I think he was 16 at the time and he managed to grow up quite well. Mom says he was always very mature, very giving and loving person, selfless, with defects like all of us, but she feels so lucky she married such a good man like him.

I also realized that as almost 8 months have gone by, my long time friends do not understand how a grieving person feels. It bothers me a little but I guess if I were in their shoes I could not comprehend how grief can change a person. It has sure changed me. In a way I felt a bit alone by not being quite understood by my friends, nor my boyfriend.

I am glad I can vent my frustrations, my worries and express my thoughts here. All of you can relate in one way or another. Losing a loved one definitely changes us to the core.

I don't know what I would have done had I not found this site. All my emotions would be probably bottled up.

I am not the most avid writer, but at times I can release my anger and sadness here, and it is comforting in a way.

About being sympathetic, I thought well why would we have to be that way if we really don't feel like it? It is not like we are blaming the world for how we feel but don't expect us to be cheerful and bubbly about banal things. I wished society in general would be more understanding of this. It angers me a little I must admit. This is coming from me someone who 95% of the time is understanding and considerate of other's needs too. So that 5% I dont want my friends to try to comfort me with phrases that wont change a thing. Just listen to me, that is all I ask, but well some people just cannot do it.

Anyway, enough for venting. I am going run errands and go through this day. Thank you all for listening. I hope you all take things one day at a time and setting small goals for yourselves, helps a great deal in this process.

((hugs))

-L

[Chai]

Dear all,

I have realized that I have this awful habit of abandoning my threads when I am done...but because I am done does not mean others are, and I have found myself coming back to post more. So please, everyone, if you can, forgive me for stupidly abandoning my threads when all of you wonderful people who have helped me so much have more to say...

Daughter2010, I am sorry to hear that your friends are not understanding. My theory is that people are simply afraid of grief so they shun those who are grieving. Sadly, it ends up hurting us, and I think they would be strengthened and prepared for the inevitable, to listen to our grief. I hope that since your post, your friends have improved on their sensitivity.

ALso, I am with you on the sympathy thing. I am, too, 95% kind, understanding, etc. Can't people give me the same treatment I give them? It is the Golden Rule, after all. I listen to people and their problems a lot; can't they listen to mine? And grief is a whole different thing. It is so consuming. people who have not experienced really don't realize how very consuming it is. They think we are purposely snapping at them, not listening, etc. etc. But we aren't! It's just part of the process. And maybe that scares them even more and makes them abandon us even more - they see how changed we are, permanently or temporarily, by grief, and they realize it could, and will! happen to them, too, someday.

Anyway I'm going on...thank you for your posts. I will try to start checking back on my threads (isn't there a "watch" function? I'll have to do that).

take care,

Chai