RoryH Posted May 9, 2010 Report Posted May 9, 2010 My Dad died on 19th April, only 7 weeks after being diagnosed with liver cancer - and 3 weeks tomorrow. It was all so fast, at Christmas everything was normal (and we had a great Christmas), by the time I next visited he was too exhausted to go for lunch, and although then we did not know what was wrong I knew it was something bad, it was so unlike him. Shortly after that a nightmare couple of weeks waiting for CT Scan, which then confirmed the worst. I guess in some ways I was lucky, we had some warning and got to spend time with Dad - I was up every Friday, Saturday & Sunday for the 7 weeks. Seeing him fade was awful though, and nothing you could do - the helplessness was horrific. Thankfully for most of his illness he was not in pain, very nauseous though. His last few days were so tough - Dad was a proud active man, and having to help him to move in bed, or go to the toilet was I think the worst thing for him. His last 48 hours were horrific, and I cannot praise the Marie Curie nurses enough who helped achieve his wish of staying at home. Thankfully he was made comfortable during his last night, and the nurse left at 7.30, with another due at 9.00. Dad slipped away at 8.20, thankfully when we had the house to ourselves as the day before had been bedlam with carers, nurses and doctors. Was almost like he did it on purpose. Since then I've largely been OK, although if one more person tells me "to be strong" I could scream. It's funny, no one of my age (33) has said that to me, maybe it's a generational thing. I felt bad that I hadn't been able to cry properly since Dad died, bar a bit of a sob once the funeral was done. All of a sudden yesterday I got hit, when turning the TV on was something Dad and I used to watch together and we watched whilst he was sick - that seemed to open floodgates and ended up pretty much crying myself to sleep last night. Having felt bad at not being able to cry, it then somehow felt self indulgent. Anyhow, reading through others posts on here helped me a bit - as you wonder if you're "normal" in your reactions and behaviour - so thanks for listening to my venting ;-)
loulou Posted May 10, 2010 Report Posted May 10, 2010 I'm sad to welcome you to the site.I lost my dad in Jan.He died of a heart-attack,so suddenly,my head is still spinning.I know it must have been very hard to watch him go like that.I'm thankful my dad went fast.He too was a strong and proud man.He was also young for a heart-attack.My brother was super close to him too,and while I have been crying for the last four months,my brother seemed fine.No crying,throwing me all the cliches in the book.Now for the last three days my brother has seriously broke down and hasnt stopped crying.It took him 4 months to come out of that shock.Anyways,just wanted to say hi,and I hope you keep posting.It's the only thing that helps me.Dont be strong...be what you need to be.People don't understand.
niamh Posted May 10, 2010 Report Posted May 10, 2010 Rory, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost mine suddenly just before Christmas. Welcome to this site where you'll find lots of dear friends with you in grief. I'll write more a little later, having a hard time right now so wanted to just say hi and sorry hugs niamh
RoryH Posted May 10, 2010 Author Report Posted May 10, 2010 Thanks Loulou & Niamh for your kind replies, I'm sorry we had to "meet" for such reasons.... and to hear you've both lost your Dad suddenly too. In someways I was fortunate that I had a little warning, in other ways not - there's no good way is there. I was a little better today, although the morning was tough - work was too busy to allow me time to think much, which I find a good thing most of the time. Although work all seems so unimportant, the things people get stressed with at work all seem so minor - I'll have to try and hold onto that one I think, sure I'll be doing the same in good time ;-) Hope you had a better day Niamh, thanks for replying when you were having a tough one. And Loulou, thanks for sharing about your brother - the shock is tough. When I first heard Dad's diagnosis it felt literally like someone had punched me in the stomach, he was 64 and had always been so fit - I'd just assumed before that he'd be there for a good while yet.
SHeiss Posted May 10, 2010 Report Posted May 10, 2010 Rory, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. Though, it makes me feel a little better that even though he is gone, you're grateful that you knew ahead of time. I have been struggling with my dads terminal lung cancer and wondering if it would just be better to have it happen suddenly or to know about it before it happens. I agree, it is horrible to watch someone slowly fade away. Again, I am very sorry. If you ever need an ear to listen, know that I am here for you! -Sharla
RoryH Posted June 20, 2010 Author Report Posted June 20, 2010 Two months now since Dad died. Such a tough weekend - Father's Day (for us in the UK), on Father's Day last year we went to watch the Formula One Grand Prix at Silverstone - such a good day. Could never have believed he'd be gone less than a year later. Almost seems to hurt more now than it did earlier, miss him so much.
niamh Posted June 22, 2010 Report Posted June 22, 2010 I hear ya Rory, I think back so often on "this time last year" and almost get a fright at how little I knew of what was ahead. I too find it harder to a certain extent aswell, am 6 months in. It's like physically my body has started adjusting, I can hold a conversation, I go to work and do my job, all because I have to , I have no choice. It's so deceiving, on the outside I look "ok" yet on the inside I am smashed to pieces, hating every second of everyday wishing for nothing more than seeing my Dad again. I still get shocked every so often realising how real all this is, knowing that my old life is gone forever, being thrown into this new life without choice. only thing I want in life is my Daddy, it's all I will ever want again hugs to ya
Aquarius7 Posted June 23, 2010 Report Posted June 23, 2010 Hugs to you niamh. ((((((( ))))))) I miss my Mom so much it is actually becoming more and more unbearable (if that's possible) by the day. I was just saying out loud today, "I don't want any of this! I just want Mama back!!" Can somebody please tell me this is all a bad dream and I will wake up soon? Please! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
niamh Posted June 23, 2010 Report Posted June 23, 2010 thanks Aquarius7, I just nod nod and nod when I read your post. I still often say things outloud too like "this just can't be real, this can't be happening to me". I shout for my Daddy to just come back to me even though I know it's not possible, at least physically I do find it getting harder,longer since I've seen him, more lonely..... I HATE that memories are all I have,it makes me so angry I wish I knew the answer to WHY aswell, I just don't get life anymore when we have to be tortured like this. ((((BIG HUGS)))) right back ya
Jsph110 Posted July 2, 2010 Report Posted July 2, 2010 I guess in some ways I was lucky, we had some warning and got to spend time with Dad - I was up every Friday, Saturday & Sunday for the 7 weeks. This was a blessing that many people miss.
RoryH Posted July 4, 2010 Author Report Posted July 4, 2010 Thanks to all who've replied - Niamh, Aquarius & Joseph. Hope you're all doing OK this weekend. I am thankful for the time I had with Dad whilst he was ill. We had plenty of time to talk and I'll always remember those times. I'd do anyhing for another few minutes though. The flip side is some of the sad memories - can't get the thought of Dad's head on my shoulder as he was too weak to stand helping him get back to bed - tears me up.
niamh Posted July 6, 2010 Report Posted July 6, 2010 I hear you Rory, I too am beyond grateful for the fantastic 34 yrs I had with my Dad while also so very angry that it was so little time, so early in life to lose him. It is awful thinking of the end, I too have a hard time remembering the pain he was in, in my car while taking him to hospital, the pain he endured in there, the lack of proper care and attention he so deserved. I often wonder about his last minutes, makes me so sad, wondering if he knew what was happening, if he was in pain, if he was scared. I miss my Daddy so so much hugs to you
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