Hurting More Each Day

[beckym]

Just needed to write some thoughts. It's been over two months now and I can't believe how much it hurts. As I stated before my mom died in March after a long illness with Parkinsons. We were so close so much alike. I can't forgive myself for the times I was impatient with her and our situation. She had no quality of life left, everything had to be done for her. I stupidly thought it would be a blessing to just let her go, she would be in a better place and I know she is. But I miss her so much. I want to hold her hand to tell her I'm sorry to ask her to forgive my thoughtlessness. If only I could have one more day with her. I wish I could tell other caregivers who are tired and resent all they have to do that some day when the person they love is no longer there unkind words will haunt them. I use to think, especially on Sundays, "if only I didn't have to go to moms, if I only had a day to myself". Oh God, what I would give to see her every Sunday and every other day. I can't believe things will ever be better. I will never be as close to anyone as I was to mom. She understood me so well. If only I could have one more moment. A friend of mine gave me beautiful poem recently. I don't know who wrote it but would like to share it with you.

If tulips grow in heaven Lord, please pick a bunch for me, place them in my mothers arms and tell her there from me.

Tell her that I miss and love her and when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for a while.

Because remembering is easy, I do it every day, there is an ache within my heart that never goes away.

Thanks for listening

beckym

[nancyf]

I'm there and fully understand what you are saying. I spent the years since my dad's death trying to take his place with Mom. For 7 years I took care of her every need and did everything humanly possible to keep her alive when she was literally dying of a broken heart. I look back now and wish I'd spent more time laughing with her, talking... reminiscing... instead of telling her what and how to eat, constantly monitoring medications, nagging about bad habits... I have to hope she knew how much I loved her, and what motivated me. Don't sell yourself short, you were there when no one else was.

[niamh]

aw I'm sorry your hurting so much beckym. I too find it hard to imagine things ever being better, happiness seems just as impossible as my Dad walking through the door now.

I'm so sorry you have guilt on top of it all.

I find I don't wish for one more moment, I want him back fully but it's all so impossible. I do have regrets about his last few days in hospital and I am thinking about at least talking to a lawyer. I know it can't change anything but I can lay that part at peace so I need to do it.

nobody will ever ever be good enough or even begin to replace who we have lost and it's just so hard to have the very best most important person from you life just gone.

that poem is beautiful, thanks for sharing.

nancyf, I am sorry also for your loss and pain. I try to value my time with my Mom now that Dad is gone, but neither of us can laugh, we can't reminisce on things and smile, we are hanging on like threads for each other.

hugs, love and comfort to you both

niamh

[DebFromLodi]

I can't believe that after 2.5 years of being without my mom, how I can cry just reading what others have written. God I miss her so much. Becky, I love what you wrote. I want just one more day with her to let her know how much I love and miss her and to hear how much she loves me. To touch her face and kiss her lips and so many questions to ask about her past. I love you, Mom.

[beckym]

I'm there and fully understand what you are saying. I spent the years since my dad's death trying to take his place with Mom. For 7 years I took care of her every need and did everything humanly possible to keep her alive when she was literally dying of a broken heart. I look back now and wish I'd spent more time laughing with her, talking... reminiscing... instead of telling her what and how to eat, constantly monitoring medications, nagging about bad habits... I have to hope she knew how much I loved her, and what motivated me. Don't sell yourself short, you were there when no one else was.

Thanks so much for your kind words. It really helps to know someone understands.