My Best Friend, My Mom Passed Away

[Aquarius7]

My BEST FRIEND of my ENTIRE LIFE passed away Thursday night. My dearest Mom who has been with me since DAY 1 (even though there were times when I was in college out of town or travelling) flew from this Earth after fighting stage 4 lung cancer. You can read all about what happened to her in another post of mine.

The very last time I spoke to her was the day before she passed. The very last words I said to her were "I love you." to which she replied "I love you too."

I cried so much for the last 6 weeks while she was diagnosed that strangely I did not cry as much when she passed and when they took her body away from the house. To see her lying there lifeless was the worst thing I ever ever seen in my life. When they wrapped her body and took her away on a stretcher that was horrific. When they put her in the back of the van and drove off with her forever that was the saddest feeling I have ever felt in my life. When they were taking her away I hugged our dog whom she loved and cried and cried.

Tonight was the first night in the house since she passed away. I was only here with our precious dog who she loved so much. I can honestly say it has been absolutely horrible. Knowing that my Mom will never, ever be in this house again, never call me from it, never tell me something is on TV she thinks I might be interested in, never cook in it again, never be there when I get home and never come walking through the door again is simply killing me. I feel I am losing my mind.

Also, I am extremely depressed. I know I will eventually be forced out of this house by my siblings who now own a 4th of it as I do. They will want their share and make me leave. I just looked for a potential place to move and found absolutely nothing I like, nor can afford. To make matters worse, my income is very minimal. I can find no job that is worthwhile and steady with security. I have never felt this low and desperate in my entire life.

I am starting to hate my life and everything that has led up to it. It seems like my entire life has been an entire mistake and all my enjoyment of life and worry-free and take it as it comes attitude has now caught up with me.

I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE HELP!

[nancyf]

I am so sorry. Your sadness is palpable and I wish there was some way your pain could be alleviated. I lost my mother last year at age 79 ... she had been very ill for several years with congestive heart failure. Have you considered seeing a professional who could possibly prescribe something to help you cope with the devastating despair you are suffering? I can tell you firsthand that nothing will take away the pain, yet the passing of time will dull it. I often repeat to myself, "we are all going to die, we just cannot choose when or how". I don't know how old your mother was, but I have to remind myself that I had 54 blessed years with my mom, and that some people lose their mother at far too young an age.

[niamh]

Acquarius7,

I am so so sorry to hear about your darling Mom and so sorry for all the pain and suffering you have now.

I wish there were words of comfort but the truth is there are none.

Just know that any feelings you have are "normal" now however scary and new they are to you. the only "advice" I will give you is to BE KIND TO YOURSELF. You are definitely not losing your mind, this is beyond enormous to cope with and I will say again, anything you feel is "normal", it's ok.

I hope you may find the tiniest bit of comfort or peace just knowing you are not alone with however you feel, there is someone else in the world can relate, however far away, YOU ARE NOT ALONE with it. I hope you will keep sharing with us here saying whatever you need or feel whenever you want. All we can do is listen and be here for you

It's nice your last words were of your love for each other and I know that doesn't comfort you, it won't take the pain away.

My heart just goes out to you so much. I wish there was a way to banish all our pain.

sending you so much love, hugs, comfort and peace from far away

again I am so sorry for you

niamh

[MartyT]

My dear friend, we are all so sorry for your loss. You've taken such good care of your mother, but now that her suffering has ended, you must turn your attention to taking care of yourself, and it's important that you get some help. I don't know if you and your family ever decided to get hospice involved in your mother's care, but even if you did not, please know that your local hospice organization can point you to whatever bereavement support may be available in your own community. You need additional support -- more than we can offer you in a forum such as this one -- and I urge you to do whatever you can to find it. Please ask your mother's doctor, your hospital, your funeral director or your pastor to help you find the support you need. And if you are thinking about suicide, read this first.

[2sweetgirls]

Dear Aquarius7,

I am so sorry about your mom. I, also, wish I could give you some words to make it all better but, simply it won't be better with ANY words. All I can say is that we, here, have all experienced loss and can relate, not know exactly how you feel because everyone is different.

When you describe the way you felt when they took her away just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry. This is all new to you now only being a couple of days but, you must know as Niamh said it's all normal. I thought that I was absolutely going to go crazy with the whole array of emotions that swung from left to right in a moments notice. So, just understand that it's all normal.

It was beautiful that you and your mom said exactly what needed to be said as your last words to each other. My mom and I had exactly the same experience. It gives me a small bit of comfort.

Please don't worry about all the other stuff (housing, job, etc.) for now because you need to focus on you and your loss. Your siblings will give you time, I'm sure. Please be kind to yourself and try to rest if you can.

We are all thinking of you in this time of need.

Many hugs and love coming your way. Please keep sharing.

2sweetgirls