How Do I Find Closure?

[tjwbrown]

On Thursday, May 20,2010,I lost my best friend, my love, my soulmate. I awoke to find him snoring strangely and tried to get him to lay on his left side. When I pushed on his arm he was lifeless. I called 911 and the paramedics took him to the hospital. I remember how my heart was pounding when I got to the ER. It felt like it was bursting out of my chest. The nurse at the front desk lead me through the doors and the hospital chaplin lead me to a room. I panicked and collapsed in a chair. The doctor came in and told me they tried everything but he didn't make it. My world shattered in the blink of an eye.

The reason I'm looking for closure is because an autopsy was not ordered by either the county or the hospital. He was just 40 years-old! I was never told what caused the love of my life to die. He had been on an anti-depressant and a sleep aid. He had been suffering from depression for years and was actually doing very well. The night before he was in good spirits and he and our boys, ages 20&19, were cutting up and laughing. He came into the kitchen while I was cooking and we chatted and teased each other. The only argument we had was who loved each other the most.

I want to know what happened! I have a right to know what happened! If it was something like a congenital heart problem then I want to know for my sons' sake. I don't know where to go from here. I'm just existing at the moment. My oldest son moved 5 hours away to go to school. My youngest has become very protective of me and really has become the "man of the house". God gave me two sons who have been my source of strength and for that I'm very thankful. I just need to know what happened, it's literally driving me batty!

God bless us all and bring us peace.

[nwnightowl]

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss, what a terrible thing to have gone through. I don't have any answers on finding closure I'm afraid. When my mother died my Dad didn't want an autopsy so I don't know what her cuse of death was. She had mulitple health problems, several of which can be hereditary and I would really liked to have known what it was that killed her. People look at me like I am crazy when they ask what did your Mother die of and I say I don't know. The only thing I have been able to do that has helped a little is talking with my own doctors and describing what I knew of what happened and then we try to piece it together. I have also gotten tested for some of the things that she had and even started early treatment for one item as a sort of just in case, but it's hard. She was 61 when she died and I wonder if I will have a similar fate. I hope you will be able to get some closure in the months to come. I am glad you have your children. I hope you find some peace this weekend, Elizabeth

[STARKISS]

Dear Tjwbrown,

I am so very sorry for your loss, I can not even imagine what you are going through right now... I hope this does not sound weird but is their any records of the night in the er... Maybe the records would reveal something, I know when my mom died she died out of country and we had the worst time trying to get a death certificate from the country where she died... And ya what about the death certificate did it not have a cause of death... Sorry again for what you are going through.. Shelley

[closs86]

So sorry for your tragic loss, I did that so many times, tried to turn him over so he would stop snoring, I can't imagine the horror you had. I also lost my husband April 6 from pancreatic cancer 3 weeks from diagnosis to gone, it is horrible what we are going through. I think the death certificate should have cause of death. I don't know if there is any way you can find out, if they didn't do an autopsy, I understand that you are concerned for your sons, I also have 2 sons . I don't know what you can do besides having them do the autopsy now, but that will cost you a lot of money.

Hope you find some peace

God Bless

Karen

[Korina]

I don't know that I can provide any advice on finding closure regarding your soulmate's death; however, I can say that this forum has been of great help to me as I have travelled each day one step at time. It is very good that you have the support of your sons, especially the youngest who is nearby - you will need each other. And don't be afraid to reach out to others you can trust.

Keep coming back to us, as in the posts, you will surely find words that will help on any given day.

Korina

[tjwbrown]

Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. It has certainly been my faith that has kept me going along with my family. I started thinking and came to the conclusion that perhaps this is all part of God's plan and since they didn't do an autopsy then I just need to deal with it and move on. I think that would be in my best interests.

Bless you all for replying. It helped me put things in perspective. I pray that we all have peace and comfort daily to help us on this new chapter in our lives.

Much love to you all,

Tishira

[closs86]

Hi Tishira,

I am happy that you found some comfort in our words, we are all feeling the loss of our soulmates, and it hurts so much. I had a real bad day today, it is 2 months now, I don't know but today I felt worse than I have in a few weeks, I was on a real true emotional roller coaster today, I hope that tomorrow will be better. Have a good day

hoping we all find peace and comfort

Karen

[Aquarius7]

Hi Tishira,

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you feel.

I have never believed in the word "closure". Is it "closure" when our loved one dies and is given a funeral, burial or cremation? Is it "closure" when others tell us that "it is part of life and that we have to accept it"? Is it closure when people tell us that they were are in a better place? I don't think there is any such thing as "closure". But I know what you are getting at. You want to know WHY! I completely understand that and agree with you.

If it gives you any peace, perhaps you should inquire about what went on in the ER. By all means do so! And if you feel it necessary for your peaece of mind, by all means do an autopsy!

But I feel that no matter what we do, when God wants us, He will take is no matter what. It is all in His Divine Plan, which I still cannot understand nor do I expect to.

All I do know is that I greatly miss my Mom and Dad all the time and cry all the time.

Hugs! ((((((( )))))))

[kayc]

Yes, you have every right to know. I would start by contacting the coroner that signed the death certificate. Ask questions of the hospital, demand answers...sometimes the medical field has a way of covering for each other and it takes a lot to get a straight answer.

Good luck to you, you'll be in my prayers.

[tjwbrown]

Those days when your emotions seem to be stretched to their limits are tough days. It helps knowing that I'm not the only one who is having to come to grips with this reality that I want no part of at times. It's been almost 3 weeks and I still haven't received the death certificate. I'm in a way, looking forward to it to see what they put as the cause and I'm dreading it because I don't want to keep reliving those horrible and frantic moments.

Thank you for your prayers. I'm a big believer in prayer and I know that it can bring comfort to an aching heart. You all are in my prayers as well. We are not alone in this. I'm reading a great book right now called Getting to the Other Side of Grief. It's written by a psychologist and a minister who lost their spouses. It has been a great source for me. It helps put things in perspective and how to deal with certain situations that could potentially be emotionally painful.

Karen, I hope you have had a good day today full of peace. I pray that for you. Just remember that when your on that rollercoaster that eventually there will come some relief at the end of the ride. God bless you and bring you strength and comfort.

Aquarius7, the loss of a parent is so very hard to take. I lost my precious mother in 2002. I miss her everyday, she was my confidant. I'm thankful that I still have my father but at 83 he is becoming frail. I so agree with you about the whole "closure" thing. I don't think we really ever find closure. I think we just gradually and at times painfully learn to live with it to some degree to where we can be happy again and learn that life is but a fleeting moment and we can go with it and be the best we can be to make our loved ones death's be the catalyst for something good in our lives. My father is a retired minister and he told me that when we go through these trials that God has chosen us because we are strong of heart. We will survive this and make something good come from it.

I will talk to the Admin of the ER but as for an autopsy being done, that's impossible, his family and I went with his wishes of cremation. The county has to wait 48 hours before the cremation to take place. I did everything I could but the county would not pay for the autopsy and the hospital wouldn't order one either. I was and I'm still livid about the whole thing. It just doesn't make any sense.

Kayc, thank you for your sound advice. I want to talk to the doctor that spoke to me that day. Surely she would know something. I got a bill from the hospital yesterday for a drug screen but no results. I think I'm going to call and see if I can get the results. They would have to tell me I would think.

God bless you all and know that you all are in my prayers. I pray for you all to have comfort and peace in these difficult days that lie ahead for us all.

Lots of hugs to you all,

Tishira

Edited June 8, 2010 by MartyT
Link inserted

[closs86]

Hi Tishira,

Today was a better day for me, thank goodness, I don't think I could have taken another day like yesterday. I also have my husband besides me in my bedroom. I like knowing that he is with me always.Thank you for praying for me, I also pray for all of us to get through this terrible time. I have to go to work tomorrow so I will be o k, when i am there i have to talk to people and mingle that is part of my job, so for the next 3 days i will hopefully be o k, I am a little nervous about his birthday sunday, my sons and their families and I are going to get together for the day, I hope that it dosn't get very emotional.

Well have a good night,

Hugs

Karen

[STARKISS]

How does one really find closure when someone dies? I have three brothers and a sister who will not even discuss the ideal with me... I have the remains of our parents and my therapists say to me I need to deal with them and than I will be able to move forward... But my siblings just do not want to talk about it... I have told them all what I would like to see done and I even gave them a date for this to happen but can not do anything because I have been told that since I was not incharge of their estate I can not do anything with their remains so now it is a waiting game and I have to sit and wait and wait for them... I need this for my own mental health... Shelley

I had said earlier in another post that we had agreed on a date and what to do but now the family thinks it is not a good ideal to do it on that date and will not agree to anything right now...I feel like a yo yo with all of this they say things and I get so ready to do it and than they change their minds and than I drop again...

Shelley

[kayc]

If they consider you responsible for the bill, surely they'd consider you responsible to report to...IOW, they should tell you the results if you ask for them.

Good luck in getting some answers...why is it taking so long for the death certificate? I had George's the same week he died.

[Cheryl]

I understand the feeling of not being able to get answers. I found that writing down all my feelings, anger and questions helped me work through the anxiety of not knowing what happened. I even asked and screamed the questions out loud. I didn't get the answer I longed for but getting the anxiety out of my body helped me move on to another level of grief. Grief is such hard work and there will be more challenges to face. Be proud of yourself for facing what is troubling you and keep searching for an answer until you feel satisfied or more peaceful. Not asking or facing what is bothering you will cause you more pain. I hope this makes sense?

[closs86]

that does make sense

Karen