Death Or Divorce: Define Loss

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I found this thought-provoking post by "Widow Chick" today ~ the author raises some very valid points, and the discussion that follows is well worth reading . . . Your thoughts?

[kayc]

It was a sensitive thought provoking article. Having experienced both, I can see both sides of the coin and make comparisons, at least for my situations. There are some commonalities and there are some differences. Let me point out that divorce to someone who wanted it is vastly different than divorce where you didn't want it and things got sprung on you. In the latter, it is not unlike death...it is death of what you knew, hoped, dreamed, just as death of a spouse also brings about. But there are differences...when you lose a spouse to death, you miss him and wish you could see him again...with a no count ex spouse that's not usually the case, you might miss what you once shared but it's doubtful you really want to see the louse again. When you lose a spouse to death, you aren't usually let grappling with what once was your self-esteem. You aren't marred as something deficient like you have a scarlet letter branded on your forehead ("you've been married how many times!!!") And then there are amicable divorces where you don't consider each other louses, you've just grown apart but you recognize you're both good people...and you might indeed see each other as friends. Everyone's situation is different. Most of us don't divorce because someone didn't learn how to cook or something else equally petty. Divorce is a tearing of yourself, and very painful...not usually entered into lightly. And there are some situations where you're forced to subject your children to downright dangerous situations because the court orders it...some who are forced to go into hiding to protect their children...I would hesitate to call their situation frivolous. The point being, we ought, all of us, be sensitive to other's pain and loss and recognize how difficult it must be and realize that their pain and loss does not belittle our own, and it's okay to recognize it and lend support to them. We ought, all of us, relate where we can and acknowledge the rest. Validate one another's feelings and situations. They are all unique.