My Journey Starts

[Alison]

I have read a few of postings on this board and my heart and sympathy is with everyone who is in the eye of the storm right now. I find myself here to rather unprepared and looking around and wondering "What do I do now?" I lost my mother 2 months after my wedding in March on May 21st 2 months to the day I said goodbye to her in the airport. my somewhat secure world shattered into several pieces I have faith only God will put back together when I get through this. I have taken the isolation and seclusion path communing with her at her house and secretly crying in the bathroom away from my small nephews and family. I find myself in just about every and any stage of grief there is in my day but what makes it worse is that I am seperated from my husband back in the states and I am in Canada. My paperwork was in process and Us Customs wouldnt let me back through because of red tape. My hope is be with him by Christmas when I will need him the most. I know how debilitating grief is when it gets you and shakes you so violently you can't breath or when it sneaks up on you doing the most mundane thing. Even in my stuboorness, and pride I know this is too big for me and I need help and support. So I reach out hoping there is someone on the other end.

"You can't heal a wound by saying its not there" Jer 6:14

[niamh]

hi ALison,

I am sorry about the loss of your sweet Mom. Welcome to this site, it's been a lifeline for me with my grief, people understand, people listen without judging & without trying to fix things.

I wish I had words of comfort for you but I don't, I just don't think there are any.

I am sorry that you are also now separated from your husband at a time when you need him so badly right by your side.

Just know that we are all here to listen, we may relate to your feelings, we do each have our own grief because each of our relationships with our parents is also unique but there can be common feelings and there is the smallest comfort just knowing someone else can say they too felt similar.

so please keep sharing with us, you are so so so early on the horrible journey but just know that however you feel is "normal", sometimes it just feels like a rollercoaster out of control.

All I have to offer is my ears to listen and send you lots of love and hugs,

niamh

[loulou]

Alison,I'm sorry to hear of your mom.I'm also sorry to hear your stuck away from your husband.I can't imagine how out of control that feels.Even christmas seems so far away.I know the grief you are speaking of all to well.I'm 5 months into my journey and the pain is still so raw.You are very fresh into it,and I know the pain after 1 month is indescribable.I cant say it gets much better,but it changes,or you change or something.I guess maybe the pain becomes a part of you.I hope you have the support of family with you now.It's so important to have someone to grieve with.We are very supportive on this site.I'm lucky to have found it.I dont have many to grieve with,and this site has helped alot.Please know that we care,and will be here anytime you need to share your feelings.

[2sweetgirls]

Hi Alison,

I'm so so sorry that you lost your mom. I lost mine almost 7 months ago. Honestly, I don't even remember how I felt at two months after. I think numb is the right word. Roller coaster is a good description too. I am also sorry that you are seperated from your husband. I hope you have family, friends, anyone that you can talk to freely whenever you need or want to. Anyway, you have this web site. Someone is always here to listen and relate in some way. I, sincerely, hope that you will be reunited with your husband before Christmas. It seems like such a long time from now.

Welcome to this site. It has helped me tremendously and I hope it does the same for you.

Sending hugs your way.

2sweetgirls

[Alison]

Thank you all for your replies that were so needed and welcomed.. Today was my day of crying in the shower, and telling myself just get through this minute, this hour, and it will be alright. FOr me, the why did this happen is not a key question. I know she will have no more pain, no more cold and no more emotional pain. The question for me is "How long will the debilitating, isolating part last and I know there is no answer until farther down the road. I have been the one to look after her in her depressive and bi-polar times and now I find myself saying " Now what to do I do?"

The answer always comes back.. Live... Live your life with the same adeventurous spirit she had.. but I am not ready to face that anytime soon.

I make pilgrimages over to her house and find peace in each room. Its stuff, her stuff but its become sacred now. I had my realatives aunts and uncles who were staying there and they ransacked the place looking for what they could find and packed up their cars without asking any of us kids they came, they took, they left with not a word since. Not a I was thinking of you.. Nothing.. I have become a leper that no one seems to want to be around. That's fine. I spent one morning going through my mother's clothes that they had packed in garbage bags and stacked in the living room.. pulled off all the pictures from the walls and when I saw that it was like they had ripped my mother from my already broken heart again. The sacredness of the house I lived in with her was gone. I did her room I felt it was my duty as her daughter and I had to do it. I am sure they thought they were helping but they did'nt think. I am the most angry about that. I will in time maybe ask them why they did it? I don't think I want to even hear the answer right now. I don't want some answer like " we thought we would help with the more difficult tasks" Difficult.. whats difficult is the LACk of respect for the things my mother treasured and you just treated with as much respect as if you had punched me in the face.

I need to go for a walk.. thank your listening and god bless.

[loulou]

Alison,I actually hear of this happening,and I cant believe some people could be so thoughtless not to mention heartless.You are right.Their things are so sacred now.Just seeing my dad's sock sends me into fits.When someone passes on,it seems to bring out the good in a few,and the worst out in most.I also know what you mean saying your a leper now.I felt the same way.In fact the only reason people at work will talk to me now,is because I have learned to act like I'm ok now.Right after,no one would even look at me for fear they would have to talk.I also want to carry on my life with the positive and happy way my dad did,but now is not the time to start,since I still cry daily for my father.My father had a painfully small amount of stuff.I couldnt bring myself to take anything but a sweatshirt and hat,but those are so special to me.I wear them all the time.I'm sorry for your pain,and the way you have been disrespected.You dont deserve it,and you shouldn't have to deal with it now.Try to take care of yourself as much as you can.

[2sweetgirls]

I am so sorry that your family has made you feel that way. It is unfortunate that in such a hard time people, even family, can be so inconsiderate. I think it's a good idea to be able to speak to them about it when you are ready. I understand the Leper thing. I remember in the beginning that I felt like I had a contagious disease because no one called me except only one friend called me on a daily basis even though I told her not to. No one else called until later. It is a feeling I never expected. What is the right thing to do really?

The anger is a difficult part of grief, at least for me. I was really angry in the beginning at EVERYONE. If you looked at me the wrong way could set me off on a tangent. Even lost what I thought was a really good friend over it - guess not. It comes in waves. Still angry at times but, it's different. Can't explain how it just is. I don't understand the "time heals all wounds" saying. The wound doesn't heal - it just isn't bleeding as much. That's how I see it.

I give you lots of credit for going through your mom's room and packing it up. I spend 5 upsetting days in her and my dads house after she passed on and my dad was recovering from surgery. I left a few hours after the funeral. I haven't been back since and don't think I can go back. My dad came to my house a couple months ago and we will all be traveling to my brother's house in a couple of weeks so I don't feel like I'm not seeing my dad. My brother and I went through mom's things but, didn't move any clothes, personal belonging, etc. As far as my dad says, it is the same way she left it. I think it gives him some peace. We live far from each other so I wouldn't be able to just jump in the car and go.

I hope the walk helped a bit.

Hugs sent your way.

2sweetgirls

[niamh]

aw I'm sorry Alison, I too have those times where I just tell myself this very second is all I have to get through, sit is so so hard.

I wish I had the answer to your question but I don't, and there probably isn't anybody who does. Everyone's journey in grief is different. All I can say is I am 6 months in and I still feel as lonely as ever.

I cannnot imagine the pain of all that happened at your Mom's house Alison, I guess I am lucky I still live at home with my Mom and there was nobody came taking any of my Dad's things, not that there is much. He was such a simple man. My Mom has give some of his clothes to his brother over time which I don't mind. some I want to keep to eventually have memory bears or something made with them. There's just so little, my Dad never bought for himself, it was always me and Mom. I have a few small things like iPOD, camera that I will hold onto for life, they were all gifts from me to him. I'm sorry people were so disrespectful, taking anything without asking you and then going on their way without contacting you. I know the feeling of not getting a "thinking of you". ....they are 3 simple words, but they mean so so much at times like this, those I expected it from I never hear it, those I never would have expected from I do get it.

I wish I had some magic words of comfort for you but I just don't. We are always here to listen hun,

hugs & strength to you

niamh

[Alison]

I am so angry that my mom isn't here to celebrate my nephew's 2nd birthday or that the present I got him wasn't good enough to say more 2 words about. That my sister in law gets to call her parents and talk to them... I am angry that I just don't fit anywhere right now. I have hit the bottom and there is no where else to go.

[niamh]

sorry things are so bad Alison, wish I had some magic words. It's so very hard to see others who still have their parents to call. I find it stings so bad everytime I hear someone mention the word "Dad". I've had people complain about stupid little things about their Dad's in front of me, I have no words for how much it hurt.

all I can offer is to listen and share with you,

hugs and love to you,

niamh

[Alison]

Thanks Niamh,

Thats all one needs sometimes is someone to say "I'll listen" I am grateful to have found this board and to be able to support and share my thoughts.

[niamh]

I couldn't agree more Alison, just having some acknowledge the feelings, we are all aware nobody can fix us and I know I don't want someone to try, I just need someone to listen and just know how badly I am hurting and there's comfort in knowing someone else can relate to the emptiness and so on.

hugs to you