Sleep

[redwind30]

I lost my wonderful husband two months ago yesterday. It seems things are getting worse rather than better. I have spent the past two weeks trying to get some of his things cleared out and donated. I guess it really kept my mind busy. Yesterday was the first day that I did not have “something to do”. I ended up sleeping most of the day which I know is not good. I can’t sleep all day every day to avoid the pain. I feel like I have to be careful not to let myself get depressed on top of the grieving. Does that make sense to anyone else? There seems to be a difference at least for me between grief and depression. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe I don’t even know what I am talking about.

I know I have to face it and figure out a way to live with it. This is what my life looks like now. There is just so much pain; some days I feel like I cannot even breathe. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t really want to see anyone, yet I am so lonely I know it will be good for me to spend time with people. So many conflicting emotions. I feel so confused, empty and alone. Emptiness seems to be the best word to describe the way I feel most of the time.

Thanks for listening and being here for me.

[Cheryl]

Dear Redwind, I felt the same way at two months. Things got harder and the reality of what I lost sank in. I describe it as a fog that began to lift and the pain unbearable. I knew I needed to do somethng to fix the problem! Grief can't be fixed. It's also not like a cold that you get over. Your body needs the rest it craves. But you are right in that you need to be aware of how far you take it. My advice would be to allow yourself to rest, to cry, to scream. To hide. But also set a small goal each day. Go get a pedicure. Call someone that understands and cry with them. Go for a short walk. Try everything that might bring you some relief.Be patient with yourself. Slow down, breath deeply and know that this will be the toughest journey of your life. But wyou will come out stronger. Take care, Cheryl

[MartyT]

Redwind, dear ~ Although the sorrow of grief feels very much like depression, they truly are two distinctly different conditions. Grief is a natural reaction to significant loss, while depression is a treatable illness. If you're concerned that you are clinically depressed, you would be wise to consult with your primary health care provider to confirm or to rule out that possibility. On the other hand, as I'm sure you've gathered by reading other posts in this forum, and given what has happened to you, chances are that what you are experiencing is normal. That is not to minimize or discount what you are feeling, and certainly not say that your grief journey will be easy to navigate and to get through ~ but more to reassure you that we are familiar with where you are because we've all traveled a similar path, we are with you now, and we will not let you travel yours alone or without a roadmap.

You may find this post helpful -- it appeared last April on Kelly Buckley's blog, Gratitude in Grief: Grief vs. Depression

It also seems to me that you're wondering if you'll always feel this way. I think when we are sick or hurt or bereaved, we always wonder if we'll always feel as bad as we're feeling right here, right now. We cannot be anywhere but where we are right now. But one thing we've all learned about life and loss ~ things change. If you slept most of the day yesterday, it's because grief is exhausting and that is what your body needed to do. You won't always feel the need to sleep all day, but yesterday, you did. Good for you. Listen to what your body is telling you it needs. Your primary task right now is to get through today ~ not to worry about how you spent yesterday, or how you will feel tomorrow or the next day. You've heard it said so many times because it is true: Take it one day at a time, and if that is too much, take it one hour, or even one minute, at a time. That is all you are able to handle right now, and let it be enough . . .

[Ron B.]

Redwind30,

Dozens of times since I lost my Mom I have felt so empty and emotionally exhausted, that I sleep in the afternoon or evening. The old me would rarely do this; I normally felt compelled make lists, plan my time, and be productive all day long. Now, after the passing of my Mother, I sometimes just surrender to grief. Before my mother passed I asked her about this sleeping during the day, and she said something that changed my thinking. She said, "maybe your body needs the sleep". After that I've felt good about taking naps. I do feel restored after napping. The feeling of losing productive time no longer bothers me.

I too have felt that my grief borders on depression. I know, however, that I am ok so long as I successfully cope with my work, my home, and my family life. It's only when my functionality is impaired in some obvious way that I think I might be getting mired in depression. But so far I am still fully functional and doing ok.

Before grief struck me, I had no idea of its power. The rage of emotions and the grip they have on me is a completely new experience. I am just trying to ride this wave, think my way through it, get help where I can, and surrender to the small things that come along with grief, such as the urge to take an afternoon nap.

Grief becomes more bearable as months pass, so gain a little confidence that you will get through this. It's not all about pain, you know. Grief changes us in some ways that are beautiful. Seven months into my grief I find that I more actively engage others and enjoy their company. I have also developed an emotionality that I like; the memory of my Mother and what's important in life is never far away. You too will be learning and changing as you go through grief. I hope you find your own personal growth and see that grief is not all bad.

Ron B.

[redwind30]

Ron, Thanks for the reply. I know exactly what you mean about "riding this wave". A wave is cetainly what I feel like I have been on and I am trying my best to "hold on". Your comment about losing "productve time" really rang true with me. I always seem to have some sort of project going on and it frustrates me when I don't get things done or I don't meet goals which are sometimes unrealistic. I am listening to what everyone is saying. I am trying to be patient with myself and relax a little. My husband always told me I expected too much from myself and he was always encouraging me to give myself a break. I guess that is what I need to try to do.

Redwind

[redwind30]

Marty, Thanks for the response and the link to the article. I have never had a problem with "depression" and do feel that I am experiencing grief. I had an appointment with my Doctor today for yearly check up and he was very understanding. He recently lost his wife, so he can really identiy with my pain. He knows how unbearable the grief can be. He told me to be gentle with myself. We both know there are no quick fixes and it is just a journey that I must make one step at a time. Thanks again for the article, it was helpful.

Redwind

[Sharon3]

All I can really say is that grief is exhausting and some days I don't know how I will get through the day I am so tired....but I do and then comes the next day...........like Marty said...try to listen to your body because emotionally we are better equipped to handle the pain of grieving if we are physically sound.............It is true it gets harder when the reality sets in and the fog you have been wandering in starts to lift........it is a roller coaster ride we are on and you just have to ride with it with hope that one day you can get off and have peace and wonderful memories instead of this.

[Korina]

There are some very wise words in these posts. And I particularly relate to just being where you are at that moment; if it means sleeping, then sleep. If it means crying, then cry. If it means getting outside for a walk, then do that. Your body really does know what it needs if you listen to it.

Take good care,

Korina