Dating A Widower

[workinggirl09]

Hi Everyone

I am new here. I am dating a man who lost his wife a year ago. We started out as friends. I was helping him at home with his teenaged son and some house work after he had surgery. Please help me understand and support him in this grief. The one year anniversary is coming soon.

[MartyT]

Dear One,

In addition to the insights I'm sure you'll receive from our own wonderful members here, I want to be sure you know about the resources offered by Julie Donner Anderson. Among other things, Julie is the wife of a widower, and her very helpful book, Past: Perfect! Present: Tense is written specifically for those she calls WOWs (Wives of Widowers) and GOWs (Girlfriends of Widowers). Click on the book's title to read Amazon's description and reviews of the book. Her blog is Loving a Widower, and her Web site features an interactive message board for WOWs and GOWs.

[workinggirl09]

Thanks for the information. I have found Julie's blog but can't seem to get activation to bet part of her discussion group. Maybe she is not accepting new members.

[kayc]

Dating a widower is different than dating a divorced person. The widower lost their spouse through no say so of their own. They may have had a wonderful relationship and he has missed both her and the relationship. Try not to be jealous of her. Let him talk about her. I had a friend that was married to a man who'd lost his wife and two baby daughters to a car accident. Every year when April rolled around he'd go away for a few days alone...he was fortunate to have a wife who understood. She used to say that God knew He could never replace his baby daughters so instead he gave him three sons with her. Death does not end the relationship like divorce does...the person lives on inside your heart. There was a renowned Christian author that married a widower and I remember her saying how blessed she was by getting to know his late wife. She ran across things in their household that told her what a loving and caring woman she was, and she felt blessed by how she'd enriched her life. That is such a healthy way to look at it!

One good thing about marrying a widow instead of a divorced person, if they've had a good marriage, chances are they've already learned good communication and patterns of interacting, having faith in each other, etc., all of the positive elements of a positive relationship!

[workinggirl09]

Thank you so much for your answer. Sometimes I just don't know what to say to him. He still blames himself for her death. She also was killed in an accident. He believes he should have been with her that day as they were always together. Things were just too busy and she went alone. I do let him talk about her whenever he wants and try not to be jealous. I knew her as we were neighbors. He doesnt believe that God had a reason for her and would leave their son without a mother.

[kayc]

You know, I try not to make sense out of it either. Some people have a platitude for everything and it rings hollow. The truth is, sometimes things just happen and we shouldn't strain ourselves trying to figure out "why". My friend that lost his wife and daughters became my pastor and often counseled with people who were brushed with death. What an effective counselor! He of all people could get away with saying things they needed to hear...he'd been there and they knew it. The only answer I have for why these things happen is that our world is pretty messed up. I try to focus on the good (that my husband no longer has to suffer and we will be together again) and not on the bad.

[MartyT]

Dear Working Girl,

I have let Julie Donner Andersen know about the trouble you had registering on her site; I just received the following response from her:

Thanks, Marty! I am not my message board's admin, so there's little I can do for potential members who run into registration issues. However, I have passed this along to my staff. Hope they can help her.

Love,

Julie

[workinggirl09]

Marty, thanks for the response. I finally got registered on JDA(YEAH!!!!) I am really greatful for everyone's help and answers. I hope I can put all of this information to good use.