Incomplete And Lost

[Stairway]

I lost the love of my life. Michael passed away unexpectedly, he had just turned 55. June 3rd was the official date. Its hard to put it down on words because I 'm overwhelmed by emotions. Michael was my boyfriend. We had been together for 11 years. He finally asked me to marry him. We had our ups and downs. It began spiraling downward around mother's day when he called and let me know his phone was broken and he'd call me when he had a chance. The last time i spoke to him was around May 22nd . I got a call from his mom on June 2nd. She called 3 more times. I was unaware because i'm really bad with my voicemail. I didn't check it till June 5th which was a Saturday late at night. She had left me voicemails saying she was worried about Michael and had I heard from him or could I go check on him. The next morning I called his mom and told her I was gonna go check on him. That is when she gave me the horrible knews that changed my life forever. It all seemed so surreal. Her words were "he didn't make it". At first it didn't register. It took a while for me to understand and comprehend what her words meant. She told me she had a bad feeling and had sent his brother to check on him. Michael passed away a few days before his brother found him on Friday morning sitting in his chair. I hung up the phone devastated, in shock, and scared. I do not understand, how could this have happened?

Michael liked to disappear for days at a time. He wouldn't call or answer calls. When he didn't call me I just assumed he was being himself and hiding, so I wasn't worried. The second week I didn't hear from him I was really angry he hadn't called. I had no way of reaching him except for driving the 40 miles to his house. I was so angry I said to myself, I'm just going to wait for him to call me.... he never called. That weekend I was going to go yell at him was when I found out I had lost him forever. Michael was addicted to Alchohol. Which is why he would disappear because he knew I would be angry with him. He avoided everyone. He was in a bad situation leading a very risky lifestyle of not eating well, not taking care of himself or his responsibilities, drinking heavily and very depressed. We had the conversations of getting help, and how severe his situation was endless times. We cried together. He would always agree he needed the help, promise to go but wouldn't go through with it. He knew it was bad and where it would end if he didn't get help he needed. I was at the end of my rope. I was tired of the fighting, begging him to stop and get help, emotionally drained, and very worried. I knew he was a very sick man and needed help he wasn't getting, by his own chosing. I never imagined he was so close to dying. You can't force someone to do something they just don't want or can't do. So I slowly began to stop going to see him because I just couldn't continue to see and be apart of what he was doing to himself any longer. I was scared and couldn't witness him killing himself slowly. Although we spoke several times every day on the phone. I never imagined he was so close to dyng. Alcholism takes its toll on loved ones helpless to do anything more. As with all addictions its an ugly disease to witness and be apart of an alchoholic's life. Michael wasn't close with his family or his children. He would see them maybe twice a year and speak to them only a couple times a year. I'm not sure if his family was unaware or just didn't want to face his addiction. The only person I spoke to was his mom once in a while. She was aware he drank alot. We never spoke of his problem. I'm not sure why? His brothers I seldom spoke to. As far as I know, his family never made any attempt to help him.

A few days before the funeral I ran into his daughter at a gathering his friends at the local bar were having in honor of Michael. His daughter and I had a fall out a few years back because I was trying to get him some help. I had asked for her help. She came only to degrade her father for his situation. I disagreed with her and told her she was wrong in speaking to her father that way. From that moment she hated me. I decided to approach her anyway and say how sorry I was she lost her father and how I understood her pain. I told her how much I loved him, and how I was there for him always. I told her how I tried in vain to help him. I told her he was not alone. Her response was that she blamed me for what happened. She said it was all my fault. She said she knew her father didn't love me. She said as his girlfriend I should have known something was wrong in the last few days. What kind of gf was I? Her words cut at me like razor blades. His son I saw at the funeral. We never spoke. We only exchanged glances at each other. I chose to just leave things alone. I figured he was already influenced by his sister.

Fast forward to today. I am devastated. I feel lost and alone. I cry all the time. Everything reminds me of him. I miss him terribly. Every night I dream its all a nightmare and I will wake up to the way things were. I am having the "what if" and the guilt. I feel guilty because I know I was the closest thing he had and I wasn't there. I keep telling myself there must have been something more i could have done. I can't get the thought of him passing away all alone out of my mind. I wonder if he was in pain. I wonder if he needed me. I wonder what his last moments were like. I wonder why he didn't call me. I wonder if he had a working phone would things have been different. I wonder if it really was my fault. I keep replaying things over and over in my mind. I feel sick to my stomache when i think about it. I get this overwhelming feeling I can't explain when I think of him. I can't sleep. There was an autopsy but it still hasn't come back yet so I don't know why he really died. I may never know. I'm not sure I want to know. My children have been very supportive but I can't really tell them how I really feel. They keep telling me I need to let him go. I've spoken to his mom twice since the funeral but it has been brief and superficial. His children closed me off completely. They refused to eveen let me get my things out of his appartment. My friends were his friends and I have no contact with them. Partly because they were mostly his friends. I knew them only with him. I feel alone in my pain. I have no one who understands or who I can talk to about all this. No one to talk about him with. I have lost loved ones before like my mom and brother but never have I felt so lost, empty. I loved Michael with all my being. I don't know where to go from here.

[Kat2005]

Stairway,

I am so sorry for your loss. You should not blame yourself for what happened to Michael. It is true, with any addiction, the person has to first realize that there is a problem and second, make the decision to get help. No one can force them to do it. I have never talked about this on this sight but my husband also drank. He didn't drink all the time but when he did drink he didn't know when he had enough. If something was bothering him he would turn to the alcohol. It caused problems but somehow we made it through it. Then one day he just decided that he had enough and he stopped drinking and quit smoking. It was great. Then not long after he quit he started having problems at work. He was diagnosed with vascular dementia which led him to go on disability. His memory was fine, he just had problems processing things. He was on disablity for about a year and a half and he was then diagnosed with prostate cancer. It has been alittle over a year that he lost his battle with the cancer.

Everything you are feeling is normal. I also had a bad case of the "what if's". I still question some of my decisions. Deep down I truly believe we did what we thought was right at the time. There are no right or wrong answers.

I am so sorry that his family is shutting you out. It is not right to blame you. You are not to blame. Do you have any family that you can talk to? You don't need to feel alone. Everyone here knows and feels what you are going through. We are here to listen whenever you need someone to talk to. I know alot of times when I am feeling like I need to talk to someone I come here. I have gotten some really good advice from alot of caring people.

I know journaling is not for everyone, but I do find it very comforting. I journal every night. It is just another way of letting out my emotions and sharing my thoughts with Pat. I have also attended a grief support which has also helped me work through alot. Just a thought.

You need to remember to take care of yourself. Eating and sleeping are very important. Grieving is such a roller coaster of emotions. It takes alot out of you and you are what is important right now.

Remember we are all here for you. I will keep you in my prayers,

Take care, Kat

[kayc]

Stairway,

I am so glad you found your way here. This is such a caring and supportive place to be, it has been my lifeline many a day/night.

His daughter is blaming you because it is easier to blame someone other than yourself. She probably feels guilty that she hadn't done something. Yet really, what could any of you have done? Once so much alcohol has been consumed, the liver begins to go. My daughter's friend, Jorma had this happen, he was just in his 20s and had his whole life ahead of him, and he died, leaving behind his twin brother. Alcohol is also a losing battle in relationships. No matter how wonderful the person, it is hard to save the relationship when there is drug and alcohol abuse. The person must want help enough to chose to do something about it. That you were still in his life, loving him, is a tribute to your extreme loyalty and love for him. I am sure that now that he is out of his struggles, he can view it differently, and I'm sure his love and appreciation for having had you in his life here is keen. I try to focus on the "we WILL see each other again" rather than on the fact that I can't get a hold of him now. With time, I learned to carry him in my heart, where I can reach down inside and draw comfort, love, encouragement, support, whenever I need it. With time,you will learn to do that too. No one can ever rip apart from you the love that you shared. I'm sorry his family hasn't shown appreciation for you and reached out to you. Most of us have similar stories. My husband's family hasn't contacted me since his funeral. Oh his dad called a year later and berated him...I shamed him and hung up. One of his brothers wrote and asked for his coin collection to remember him by...I told him he no longer had a coin collection but if he wanted something to remember him by, I could send him one of his hospital bills. I never heard from him again. Money grubbing vultures! I mortgaged my house to pay off the medical expenses and struggled to keep a roof over my head. This is just how some people are. You will learn a strength you never knew you had. Try to take a day at a time, and Hon, don't beat yourself up with the "what ifs". You far surpassed what most people would do, be kind to yourself, be understanding of yourself the same way you would be if this was a friend you were dealing with instead of yourself.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Stairway]

Kat,

I am sorry for your loss also. Thank You for your kind words. They have meant alot to me. I have family but they just don't seem to understand how lost and empty I feel. I am going to take your advice and start a journal. I am trying to take care of myself but it hasn't been easy. I wish I could just feel normal again even though I know that will never happen. I take some comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I feel blessed to have found such kind and caring people.

[Stairway]

Kay,

Thank You for your words of encouragement. I am sorry to hear of your loss. I can barely fathom that things will subside and eventually get better. I believe that Michael is in a better place and that keeps me going. I completely understand how you feel about his family and I am sorry that they have been so unkind. I don't see how people can behave this way in such a difficult time. I admire your courage. I am just learning how to take things one day at a time. I am trying hard not to blame myself but it has not been easy. I am having a difficult time understanding that there was nothing more I could have done and letting go of the "what if". Knowing that there are people like you who truly understand what I feel is keeping me sane. I feel lucky to have found this place.

[kayc]

I don't attribute any real significance to his family. I think George would be greatly disappointed if he knew his family and friends let me down, I don't think in his wildest dreams he would have imagine they'd be this way. I see him as so much better than them. He was a caring soul to all who met him and he never would have treated anyone this way. What I have experienced in the last few years only confirms to me how much more special he was than others.

It is nigh impossible to see hope in the beginning, but trust me, it will come. Not that it will ever be the same, but it will become more tolerable.

[Deb625]

Stairway, I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. I too lost my Michael to addictions on May 16th/10, it will be 3 months on Monday since I found him. I had left Michael on 10 May 2010 as I too could no longer watch the man I love destroy himself. We were together for over 8 1/2 years. Our 9th anniversary was 12 Aug 10. My Michael isolated as well, he hated what alcohol did to him and what it did to me watching. We cried together many times. When I left, it was so he would reach his bottom and get help. The plan was for him to get healthy, me to get healthy and for us to be together again whole. He survived 6 days on his own. There is much guilt, I should have waited until he got into detox (he was on a 3 to 5 week wait list) - but I do know I didn't cause his addictions, I couldn't cure them and I couldn't control them. It is not your fault, nor is it mine. It is just a tragedy we now have to live through. My Michael's family never supported him in recovery, which was a big hurt to Michael. I've since had to cut ties with his family as they have decided that I am not to be considered his wife with respect to his estate, as I had left him. It just adds so much extra hurt to my life to realize they don't respect the huge part I was as Michael's (common-law) wife and in turn direspects the huge part of their life I was. It is all so sad. What I keep trying to focus on is that Michael was so much more than his addictions, that he was the man who made me laugh everyday, who loved me like no other and I him. He was smart, talented and interested in making the world a better place. My Michael had such a brilliant smile and was always kind. There are many of us who have lost our spouses to addictions on this site. All I can say is take all the love and support you can from the people around you, from this site. Keep taking deep breaths and just keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through each day. It will be hard, but as you can see from others who post on this site, we will get through this. I don't feel, we get "over" our loss, we eventually learn to live a new life. Take care, Deb