Almost 1 Year Ago

[Nick]

On September 1 it will be one year since my husband passed away! Just writing those words is so hard saying them is like not true can't be it's still a bad dream. I thought I was doing okay until recently dealing with this date and my birthday has really been affecting me. I keep going over the day blaming myself did I miss something, did he have symptoms and blow them off basically still trying to make sense of how this could happen to my healthy 44 year old husband. The guilt yes the guilt I didn't even see him the day off went to the gym like usual so left the house super early I was still sleeping. I was not there when it happened I feel horrible about that I never got to say goodbye. I know I did the best I could and was a good wife I just don't feel like it was enough. He deserved more not this I'm just so very mad I need and want to blame someone. I hate carrying around all these horrible thoughts and feelings. I just want it all to go away I know I can't run from it, but it's so hard to face. Not sure if I will every be able to fully accept that he is gone!

Thanks for listening,

Leesa

[kayc]

Leesa,

That one year mark can be a tough one. I can assure you, you didn't do anything wrong or contribute to his death. My husband had just had his 51st birthday and I had had no idea he had heart trouble. I don't know why some get warnings while others are totally caught off guard, but the shock of sudden unexpected death can be pretty tough to assimilate. Yes, it does seem like a bad dream sometimes...if only it were, but after time passes, you realize it isn't and we're each left here for whatever reasons. All I can tell you is keep coming here and we'll all go through this together, there's strength in knowing you are not alone.

((((hugs)))

Kay

[Cheryl]

Leeza,

I also am reaching the one year mark and I too am troubled with guilt. My husband was killed on a motorcycle which he had hidden from me because he knew I would be worried about his safety. His friends said it was a trade for some work he had done for a client. He was going to ride it for a week and sell it before I found out. He was killed three days later. I feel so guilty that he was hiding something from me. That I was so unapproachable that he couldn't tell me his plans. If only I had been more understanding of his need for something daring! The reality is that no matter how much we beat ourselves up we can't change what happened. When those feelings of guilt and what if's over power me I speak out loud to him the following. IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I LOVED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I COULDN'T SAVE YOU. I'M SO SORRY! I MISS YOU! I think by saying I'm sorry it helps me with the guilt and allows me to hope for his forgiveness. We are all so diffrent and yet so alike. I hope you will find a way to not blame yourself. It's not your fault. You loved him. You couldn't save him. You're sorry and you miss him.

Cheryl

[Mrs.G]

Hi Nick,

I just went through the one year marker. It was very difficult for me. I actually wasnt expecting it to hit me as hard as it did. Larry's birthday was the following week...so it was a very painful time. I understand your feelings of not being enough...my husband told me all the time as I am sure yours did "what a wonderful wife I was"....but when your gieving all you can think of is the times you let them down...I think that is why Gods word say "to take every thought captive"...because we can drowned ourselves in guilt. With all the pain we are going through with our many losses that are asssociated with us not having our soulmates with us...we need to take our thoughts captive so not to inflict more pain on ourselves. I still have not fully accepted that he is not here with me on earth...though I live it everyday in this quiet home of ours....what I do look forward to is the day when I get to see him again....in the meantime I will try to be the servant God wants me to be, until my time here is finished. I dont know what I am suppose to do, but I am waiting on God's direction...I just wanted you to know you are not alone in all that you feel...God bless you...

[Korina]

Guilt is something most of us seem to have to endure. I certainly have. Still do, but as with everything related to my grief, it has become perhaps more a part of me, more assimilated. Maybe the guilt will someday go away completely - I don't know...?

Korina