Guilt And Denial

[MZM]

Hi,

This is my first post. Ive been struggling with my grief and found out about this site on the net...So here I am in hope that I can be told something, anything that will help me!

On the 25th of July 2010, I lost my boyfriend (25 years old) of 3 years in a car accident. We saw each other every day, travelled together and were so in love! We were due to get engaged in December...In that same car, was his brother, who was like my brother, our friend and my boyfriend's 30 year old uncle...

The worst part is that he called me at 4:30 am and his accident happened at 5:10 am... I didnt get to say all that i wanted to say. I really cant believe he is gone. At the funeral we saw their coffin for only 5 mins and woman arent allowed at the cemetary either. I really cant get over this guilt. I feel like god took him away because of me... and I also CANNOT believe he is gone. I cry everyday...1.5 months later and wake up crying...

[kayc]

First let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I am a little confused about some of the things...are you saying you lost your BF, his brother, AND his uncle all in the accident?

What country are you in that they don't allow women at cemetaries? That is shocking to me!

Was your BF drinking before the accident and he was driving?

Do you feel responsible for his drinking?

Please understand, that your relationship wasn't perfect...we all have faults and weaknesses and our relationships bear that. If your relationship had been totally perfect, you probably wouldn't have succumbed to kissing someone. You are still very young, perhaps you felt you had not experienced enough in life or had limited yourself somehow with one person. That's pretty common for young people. In your case, you expressed regret and sorrow over the kiss and if your relationship was a strong one, it probably would have survived it. Usually "cheating" on someone results in the relationship being changed...while it hurts it in ways, in some ways it can be the catalyst for repairing weak areas in the relationship, which ultimately can strengthen it. Trust can be mended, with time and great effort.

You didn't get that time or the chance to see it to fruition. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't have happened if he had lived. In time you will be able to know deep inside of you if that was the case.

You say you feel God took him from you, maybe as a punishment? No, God doesn't work that way. Life happens, we don't always know how/why it goes the way it does, but it does and we can't change that. Life is unfair. Life is not distributed evenly. Some people get their spouse for 50 years before they die, others only a year...still others never even got to make it to the altar. I guess all of us were lucky in that we got to have the person in our lives at all, that we knew them and shared love with them. Have you heard Garth Brooks' "The Dance"? I think about that when I think about having lost my husband. We never had any idea he would die so soon, we weren't finished living (together) yet.

It might help to get some counseling to help you with the unresolved issues, it's not good to carry around the guilt. One thing I have learned in life about guilt is, it has a purpose, and that purpose is to call attention to a needed change. Beyond that, it does us no earthly good. If we continue to carry it around after making those changes, it holds us down, imprisons us with shame, and that is a negative thing that does us no good whatsoever. We have to know when it is time to let go of guilt and now is that time.

Your loss is a huge magnitude, I would recommend spending time with friends and family as much as you can and continue posting here with others who understand and care.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[MZM]

Thank you Kay, really appreciate it. Your words are so wise! Thank you! I am so glad i found this site...Ive been going fo counseling, but nothing seems to get me out of this state.

Yes, my BF, his brother, a friend of ours and my bf's uncle all died in that accident:( People i used to spend every day with. My life has changed 360...just like that. He was muslim and in Islam, women arent allowed at the cemetry for he burial... we live in South Africa...He usually drank on weekends and there were many times that I'd lecture him about drinking...they all were drunk that night...and they didnt cause the accident, a truck did. But obviously in that drunken state, he lost control of the ca:(

I have lost my best friend, my partner, my love and the best thing that ever happened to me. People used to be inspired by our love...it was really like a fairytale. He loved me in 3 years like he'd loved me from the first time we fell in love...nothing changed, only got better. He was a romantic, perfect for me...Which is why i took it for granted. In helping someone who was going through a rough time, i became good friends with him, which resulted in him kissing me... that guy then sent me an sms to apologise for having taken advantage and thats when my BF found out...

I will never regret anything more in my life!! I agree with you, it probably wasnt perfect...but i feel like ive been punished and the guilt is unbearable...I feel like maybe God took him so that he wont hurt anymore. He had a very rough life - an abusive father who he hadnt seen for 8 years and i was the person he adored, trusted and made his world... His mom also blames me...

I returned to work after four weeks and still cannot find the reason to wake up every morning. I have a great job and my manager has been amazing. I sit on the board, am a head of a department - all great achievements for a 28 year old most say. These things mean nothing to me anymore. I am actually going to resign and take a gap year - work as a waitress in the states...with 300 other "international" people under 30, including with my sister. life has just changed so much...

[MZM]

I am really sorry to hear about your husband by the way:( What happened??

Yep, family and friends really help...glad i found this site too...

[kayc]

I was divorced from my kids' dad after 23 years of marriage. I met my soulmate and love of my life and we married (we knew each other 6 1/2 years but were only married 3 years 8 months). We spent all our free time together and adored each other...when he held me I felt like it was the best place in the world to be. He was a great stepfather to my children as well. Once a year I'd go to my sisters' reunion and wouldn't you know, that'd be the weekend he'd have a heart attack and die...his birthday banner was still up, he was 51. I made it back to the hospital but didn't get alone time with him, they booted me out to move him and when they allowed me back in, he was asleep, and he woke up having another heart attack and they literally threw me off the ward and then came and told me he was gone. In my grief, I remarried to a friend of his, who turned out to be a con man, he stuck me with $50,000 in bills and quit his job and went missing. I filed a missing person's report and they discovered him living with another woman in our new motor home. I will lose my home because of this man and the financial burden has put me under tremendous stress in this bad economy. Then a year ago I got engaged and that man just broke up with me by Fed Ex. I give up on men. Right now all I care about is my dog and he is extremely sick and I don't know if he'll recover. The transmission just went out on my truck and I can't afford to fix it but I need it to get up and down the mountain in the winter and to haul my dog around. Life just plain sucks sometimes. I haven't given up totally, but I can relate to everyone here when they say they have lost their purpose or meaning in life. My dog is my purpose and I'm scared of losing him. I don't understand why some people have it so good and others just get heartache and misfortune. But I've learned it does no good to ask why, you hear a loud resounding nothing in reply, so instead I just try to figure out what to do or how to respond next.

Trust me, you aren't being punished...if that were the case, I'd have to say I've got some pretty bad karma, but that's not the case. It just is what it is.

It'll get better for you but unfortunately, it's a process that takes time. I'm not sure I'd quit such a great job, I'd give it a year before deciding to make major changes...in our early grief we aren't always thinking/seeing right, but it's your decision. Do keep coming here and reading and posting though, it helped me more than anything/anyone else did, it was my lifesaver.

Kay

[MZM]

Sheesh, you really have been through alot! He broke up with you via Fedex??? Omg thats unbelievable....hes not an honest person then...and you're now better off...

Yeah, I guess you're right, God isnt a punishing God...those incidents are completely not related...its just the way the mind works...guilt is also really killing me and thats not good...

[kayc]

Why don't you have a "guilt-releasing" ceremony? Write down what you feel guilty about and then shred the paper and release it into the wind! (Or burn it, or something).

That way you can express it, get it out (to him) and then let it go.

[Korina]

MZM:

Just to reiterate Kay's points, life isn't fair. And guilt truly isn't a good thing to carry around. I found that talking about all my feelings of guilt to a therapist helped me a lot.

Korina

[MZM]

Thanks Korina and Kay...I think im going to do both, because this guilt is killing me... I need to say sorry to him and I need to also get it out of my system. Thank!