Am I Ever Going To Get Past This Guy?

[Lostdaughter]

I joined this forum because my Dad passed on Aug 28th. However, I am seeing I am not only grieving this loss, but also the loss of someone else I cannot seem to get out of my head or heart, even though it makes no sense for him to still be there. Isn't there a way to heal and move on without someone else taking his place? It'll be one year since I've seen him in six weeks and since April since we last exchanged emails (and they were not good) yet I just slept for a bit and he was in my dream. And that's not good, because today is my birthday (which I've chosen to spend alone) and I don't appreciate him invading my subconscious on my birthday! In the dream, he just walked up to me and handed me some things (returned things) and I couldn't even really keep my eyes open or see him clearly.

Anyway, I trusted him (over and over) amidst a sea of red flags. I initially got involved with him in 2006 as he did homeless outreach for a living. I thought anyone who would do that job MUST be of good character. Boy, I don't think I was right about that. Anyway, there was a lot of on and off but I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I now think he had a secret life that I'll never really know about. And I feel at this age (51) that I am never going to get over the pain he inflicted on me and ever be able to trust anyone again.

Well, I just wanted to write this and get it out.

[kayc]

Yes there is a way to get over him without someone taking his place. We have to learn to love ourselves and be comfortable and happy with ourselves before we are ready to enter into another relationship. And the funny things is, once we do, we just might find we don't even want anyone else! We have to come to the realization we don't need someone, we are okay just by ourselves.

Often a fresh loss triggers an old loss, so we feel double whammied. We work through it the same way we did the first time.

51 is not that old. i understand what you're saying about trust issues because that's how I feel too...I've had my heart broken too many times to want to go through it again. I'm almost 58 and not inclined to even date again. However, I know a lady in her mid-80s that just got remarried a couple of years ago and they are so in love and it is working out beautifully...so you never know what the future holds.

I also didn't expect my fiance to break up with me like he did, I was specifically looking for someone of character, someone loyal, someone stable, and he won my trust and my heart and then shattered me inside. The hardest part for me is not knowing who you can trust and who you can't...if I was so wrong about him, I feel I can't trust my judgment. He is a wonderful person...except he led me on and broke his promises to me...he's great to his neighbors and family...too bad I'm not one of them. My best advice is to build a life for yourself without a relationship with a man in it, and after a couple of years, see how you feel then, you might be surprised. I know a lot of confirmed bachelorettes!

[Lindakay]

I actually thought after ayear I could start to date. I never had a dating problem when I was single. Yes, I'm older and gained some weight since back then. I still have the easy to speak and speak to and know how to laugh and be funny and witty. My best friend came up for a week and talked me into online to meet someone. Only talked to two out of a zillion. One turned me off assuming too much and was too country to put it that way.Never chose to meet him in person. The next was a widow like me. He just wanted to skip to marrying someone with out dating really. He lied about stuff and was too socially shy. Choose to listen to gut instinct and not meet him. Scared me off for over a year now. Just getting comfortable with being me and alone until I choose not to be. Don't let someone determine your worth. Love yourself a little before you love someone unworthy of you. Linda Kay

[kayc]

Good sound advice, Linda Kay.

From what I've seen, I'm not inclined to date either. God would have to drop someone down in front of me and say "This is him". Ha! Since that's not likely to happen, I'll just be on my own.

I thought Jim was that one. He was what I was looking for, he wooed and won me, he was easygoing to be around, funny, smart, good character. He was a Christian, and our lifestyles were compatible. He introduced me to his friends, colleagues, neighbors, church, family, everyone loved him...including everyone at my church. I thought this was the man I would spend my life with...clear up until he dumped me without even talking with me about it. Some people say that he's now revealed his true character, but I still think he's a good person...just cowardly. I think he feels guilty cuz he knows he's done wrong to me so he can't face me, not even to just be friends. I really never expected this of him, not even in my wildest dreams. So now I don't trust anymore...not men, not my own judgment. I can't say as I love being alone all of the time, I've been alone a lot in my life, but I do prefer alone to the "wrong choice". I miss Jim. I wish I didn't. It hurts to wake up thinking about him and have him cross your mind a million times a day, to wonder how he is, to know you didn't mean all that much to him. I know it will lessen eventually but the road between here and there is very hard and very painful. And it's not fair. Nothing about any of this is fair.

Being as I have to work and commute so much and am the only one taking care of this home, I don't have a lot of free time to make friends, so it's not likely to get better any time soon. Maybe my old age will go better, ha! Most people's doesn't, but one can always hope.

I guess if one wanted to date they could do the internet dating thing, me, I'm not interested. Too much work for too many disappointments and there's just plain a lot of weirdos out there, plus it doesn't seem all that safe...not to mention how much time it'd take. No...no thank you, not for me. I spend my weekends vaccuuming, doing dishes, dusting, taking out garbage, stacking wood, mowing, etc., etc. Never a dull moment! LOL

Anyway, we do get over them eventually, it just takes time, I don't think it unusual to take a couple of years or more though. Broken trust, now that's a whole other issue.

[Lindakay]

KayC I don't want you to give up and say "Never". They won't just walk across your path. My friend said to date without expectation to practise. It's been so long since I dated. I was married for 33 years and with him for a year before and he's been gone two and a half. But I don't say never. I'm working on getting to know me. I practise flirting occasionally without intent. I have alot to offer a deserving person/as do you. This guy was not deserving and certainly has a lack of character the way he did this to you. I won't put widow the next time as status. Single is fine. No one can compare to what we had. It's different age and time but there is someone to spend time with. Right now I'm doing the Yaya Sisterhood, Family and friends from many years. Reconnected on Facebook with highschool friends no less. Now I graduated at 17 in 71. So it's been a long time not seeing these friends. We're having alot of fun talking.Alot of them are single again at my age too. Start on yourself. I work and have a home to maintain too. I commute 30 minutes one way...still pick your pleasures with the pain of chores to do. Stay in touch. Don't give up. LindaKay

[kayc]

LindaKay, so you're just one year younger than me! I commute 1 1/4 hours one way, longer in winter. I live in the country, there's a lot to maintain but I like nature, am not a city girl. I know opportunities are limited where I live but I derive so much pleasure from nature/animals. I'm just totally not interested in dating/looking/guys. I know it's too soon to think about, I'm still in love with Jim, it takes a long time when you love someone this much, but my trust was so broken, I don't think I can ever get over it. I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, it just so shocked me that he could do this, I can't seem to get over the shock, I just really believed in him. I've had too many heartbreaks from too many men and I just don't want any more. That's fine with me if they don't just drop down in front of you, I'm not expecting or wanting that, I'm done. They can scratch it, it's their loss anyway, I was always wonderful to them and they're on their own now as far as I'm concerned. To each their own, I'm busy with my life. I can't say as I enjoy it all that much, not really...it's been over five years since George died and it's never been the same since. Other guys out here, they just don't invest themselves, they don't give or receive in life.