Getting A Handle On Grief

[melina]

I've been trying to get a handle on my grief. Since my husband's death was unexpected and traumatic, I'm wondering if that makes it harder to deal with. Had I been more prepared - possibly less in denial of his illness - maybe I'd be moving forward at a faster pace. As I've said before - he had cancer, but it was in remission. Then he suddenly had breathing problems, was admitted to the hospital and died. It's like having a husband with high cholesterol and then suddenly without warning has a heart attack. You know he runs the risk, but aren't prepared for the heart attack. Many people with spouses who have cancer are prepared for their death - but I certainly was not. We thought we had much more time - years even.

The hardest thing about grief is that it just doesn't take a break. I can't tell my grief to take the weekend off and come back later when I'm feeling a little stronger. I compare it, in a way, to childbirth. Once you're in that process of giving birth, there is no turning back. You have to continue, no matter how painful it is, no matter how scared you are. The big difference here is that childbirth does actually come to an end, and it ends with something wonderful - at least most of the time.

But grieving the loss of your beloved may never end, and it doesn't really lead to anything good at all. Unless you try to take the perspective that it can make you a stronger person and create a new and stronger identity for yourself. If only it just lasted the same amount of time as childbirth. I'd be over it and going on with my life now. But at six weeks out - I have - if I'm to base it on what other here say - several years ahead of me with grief and pain. Less pain, maybe, but always grief. It seems inhuman to expect someone to manage this, but I've been managing it every day - in some capacity - for six weeks. How to continue for several more years? Where will I get the strength for that? It feels sometimes as though there is this well of strength inside me and I have to keep dipping into it to go on. But what if it runs dry?

Melina

[Nick]

Hi Melina,

My husband was one of those who died of a heart attack with no warning nothing at all went to work and never returned. So I get the shock and denial part. A year later I still can't fully comprehend how this could happen to a man who was in great shape and took care of himself. I"m learning to let go and try to stop asking why, how but instead now what? It sucks but what am I going to do about it. I know this is not how I want to life my live with my two young sons so everyday I work on the goad of finding my little happiness in the world. I have great strength and I contribute it to my God and my husband. I thank them each day for giving me the strength and courage to face another day. For me telling my story and sharing has helped me tremendously. I have also recently joined a women's group and that has been wonderful as well. The first moths after my husband's death I was in a fog just going on auto pilot. Then the reality set in and this was really hard, but you will get through it and one day you will wake up and see how far you have come. You will never be the same person, but that doesn't mean you wont ever be happy again.

[redwind30]

Melina,

My husband was diagnoised with lung cancer on March 26 and I lost him on April 24. No time at all to prepare. We were hopeful that he had much more time. You are right the grief and pain don't go away. I feel like this pain will never end. Some days, like today the pain is so intense I don't think I can handle another second of it. But, I have no choice. There is no way to get away from it. Over the past five months I have felt like if I had family close by it might be a lttle better; but I don't have anyone. I don't want to be a stronger person. I just want the pain to stop. Like you I feel like that well of strength is running dry; I don't have anything left.

[melina]

Nick,

It's good to hear you're looking for happiness in the world - I want to do the same. I always hear that I will never be the same person again, that life will never be the same - but I do hope that life does bring some happiness.

Melian

[melina]

redwind,

Like you I don't want to be strong - I just want my husband back. But since that's impossible, we have no choice but to continue I guess. I don't know - maybe the well fills up now and then even when we think it won't. My husband died from lung cancer too - though he'd never had a single cigarette.

Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

My husband died of a heart attack and I hadn't even known he had heart problems! Yes the sudden death is quite a shock to absorb. Lingering illnesses are hard in their own way but oftentimes you've done some of your grieving by the time death occurs...that doesn't make it easier, just more spread out...the time preceding the death is harder in that case. So you are dealing with not only grief, but shock and huge adjustments as well. It's a lot to process!