Sundays Are The Hardest

[melina]

I think the topic title sums it up. Here in Norway everything closes on Sunday. And Sunday morning is really the pits. We used to start Sundays with a big breakfast, then head outside - hiking with the dog, working in the yard, or doing chores inside. We'd be together, even if we were each sitting on our own laptops writing or surfing. I can do all these things by myself, but of course, I don't enjoy any of them, and I have to force myself to eat breakfast. I've lost a lot of weight since he died.

I keep thinking about signs and dreams, wishing I could have them - anything to indicate that he still exists somewhere. I have him in my heart - but it's not enough. Often I fantasize about how things would have been if he'd suddenly gotten well - that the cancer disappeared and he came home and everything was fine. I shouldn't, because it makes it worse when I stop fantasizing.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Sunday's are very hard. My two friends, who have also lost spouses, and I are getting together this afternoon, and having pizza, and watching old re-runs of Laugh-In. We usually watch a movie, but Tom got this DVD of old Laugh-In reruns, and we thought that might be fun. He and I are closer in age, so we will probably appreciate them more than Dana, who is younger. Tom and I are in our 60s, Dana is not yet 50. I am blessed to have these two friends who understand . We have become our own little support group. We have all been friends for years, and their spouses were friends also. We were all involved in the community theater, although Dana and Tom's spouses were not involved in the acting or directing, they were great supporters. Our little community theater is still in shock from losing 3 of their close members in such a short space of time.

Try to find something to do to help the time go by, watch a movie, clean out a drawer, anything to keep busy. I find that a project of any kind will help me through a particularly bad day. Sometimes at least.

Melina, it was a long time before I had a dream where I really felt it was Mike visiting me, I sometimes think the grief blocks them. Just my opinion. I have also felt his presence pretty clearly a couple of times...maybe wishful thinking on my part, but I don't think so. My friend Dana, who lost her husband in April, 2009, dreamed of Mike before I did. She dreamed of him on her husband's birthday. In the dream Mike was telling her that he could not get my letters, she and I took this to perhaps mean that my grief was still so raw that he could not get through to me. I had a dream of Dana's husband a short time after he died, which included my ex-husband (who died a number of years ago) and my husband Mike (who was still alive), and they were all warning her of a person who might do her harm. When I told her about the dream, she knew the name I said, and understood that she was being warned to avoid this person. I really do believe in dreams, not all of them, but I do believe that our loved ones do sometimes communicate in that way. Again maybe wishful thinking, but I feel good in this belief.

You are still very early in this journey, the dreams and/or a sign will happen when least expected. You will know.

Praying for you and all of us on this journey we did not want to make.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Thanks Mary - these are comforting thoughts. The other day I was sitting by the table looking outside and thinking that at this time of year, my husband - his name is Thyge (pronounced Tee-gah), would be busy setting up bird feeders. He loved to watch the birds in the yard and would give me a list of all the birds he'd seen in the morning before I got up. He was always an early riser, while I tended to sleep late on weekends. While I was thinking of this, I noticed five or six birds all landing together on the telephone line outside, and there is one bird who visits now and then and who likes to sit in the sun just under the garage roof, looking in at me through the window (if birds can even see through windows).

It's probably a coincidence, but the day I saw all the birds, I went to the garden center and bought bird feeders, set them up and now we have birds flocking together in the yard. He would have liked that.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Melina, how wonderful about the birds. My husband also loved birds, and we have a big back yard full of trees, and always birds on the fence or in the trees. We were both early risers and loved to have our coffee on the back porch and watch the birds, and the sun come up. I still do that, with my Corgi girls at my feet, but it is not the same, as you know. You have given me a good idea about the bird feeders, I think I will go to "Home Depot" today and get a couple for the back yard. Thanks for the idea!

Take care friend, and keep busy.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Lindakay]

DReam visits are real. They also are sometimes symbolic and you have to figure them out. Before Scott died he told me he dreamed of a strange man in our house. I teased him and said was I there? I laughed. He said no I wasn't and why was this man in our house. Two and a half years later I used a backup dog sitter. Kid was 28 and a teacher intern. Nice kid. Worked ten years at my job place. I found out later after coming back from Chicago...he was an alcoholic and had been hitting my wet bar for six month. He used to do extra painting projects. He didn't have a key but I'd leave him and go back to work. So he won't be confronted but no jobs/no more visits to my home(he called me honorary aunt Linda. So I made a mistake and have changed the locks and rekeyed them. He may have made a copy?? So the weird thing is my girlfriend in Fla knew I was in Chicago and got a phone call from me at my home at one in the morning. I have no speed dial for her or anyone. I call her when I'm free so she isn't on received calls hardly ever. I think and she thinks Scott called her to alert her to tell me something wasn't right. She's convinced. When she was here little things happened to her and not me ever. He knew she was my closest network buddy. She was the first person I called when he died. Yes, I believe in warnings. LindaKay

[kayc]

I don't allow myself to fantasize or hope for things that won't happen, you're right, it only makes it worse in the end, but I sure can understand it.

George and I did everything together too and now I'm always alone. Alone at work, alone on the commute, alone at home, alone attending church...always alone. It gets old. I have to go out of my way to spend an hour with anyone. And being as I'm responsible to do everything at home now, I really don't have the time to go spend with people...kind of a catch 22.

I keep hoping things will get better but I sure don't know when.

[Korina]

I really don't fantasize about Scott being alive - it is bad enough to wake up from a dream where he is still alive (not the visitation type dreams, but the disjointed kind).

For me, a particular day is not the hardest. It is simply walking in to an empty apartment.

Korina