20 To 1

[Cheryl]

We were together for twenty years and apart for only one. I have been beating myself up for not being able to be stronger for myself. I am good at giving advice, sharing my journey but I am still in pain. I feel like a failure. Shouldn't it be easier for me. I read the words of new people and their new grief and I feel like I am in a diffirent place and then there are nights like tonight when I feel like I am starting all over. Ground one again. Wanting to die waiting for another day to pass and trying so hard to be someone I don't feel like being. Twenty years of partnership, twenty years of love, twenty years of sharing, giving and taking. I don't know how to be someone else. I miss me. I miss being happy and I don't know how to some else after twenty years.

[kath]

Dear Cheryl,

This is precisely the time you need to be most gentle with yourself. You are progressing, you are helping others, you are strong, but you are also deeply hurt and it takes a while. You were together for 20 years. Your relationship didn't become what it was in a few months. It took time to nurture and take hold. You will carry those years with you forever because they have become who you are and why you think and do things the way you do.

I think it is one of the hardest things about healing, redefining who we are when we were perfectly happy being who and what we were. It was our past, our present and our future. I still feel like Bob's wife, even three years into this. I still talk about his likes and dislikes as if he were here. I still laugh at things I knew he would laugh at. I thought I had to change and I was a bit worried I would have to be who I was before him. Instead, what happened was I had to get comfortable being who I am and knowing that who I was as a spouse is very much a part of that equation, made it a bit easier. It's the waves that are the growing pains through this. I know it hardly seems like you can move most days and you sure don't feel any growth amidst the tears and the sorrow, but it is there. The sadness changes, too. It's still there, but it is something that you can call on instead of wearing it front and center. It becomes an understanding of someone else's loss. It's a revelation of sorts. It's like peeling back the petals of a rose and holding the pieces and they are even softer than when they were put together, yet they smell just as sweet.

I've shared this a couple times, but my greatest hope came when I asked a friend if I would ever be funny again. I used to be and I feared this pain would take it away forever. She very thoughtfully stated that she had known a lot of crabby people that had lost a spouse, and they were still crabby.

So, keep on hangin' on. You will be happy again. I am sure of that!

[Korina]

I am 20:1, as well. I feel strong some days, and crap other times, though I cannot wallow too long, as Kailyn is my good reality, and while I cry in front of her, I never want to prolong her exposure to that, as she is now at the stage where she is really affected by the moods of those around her.

And for the record, I find a lot of words of wisdom and strength in your posts and undoubtedly they have helped many, including myself.

Korina

[Lindakay]

We were together for twenty years and apart for only one. I have been beating myself up for not being able to be stronger for myself. I am good at giving advice, sharing my journey but I am still in pain. I feel like a failure. Shouldn't it be easier for me. I read the words of new people and their new grief and I feel like I am in a diffirent place and then there are nights like tonight when I feel like I am starting all over. Ground one again. Wanting to die waiting for another day to pass and trying so hard to be someone I don't feel like being. Twenty years of partnership, twenty years of love, twenty years of sharing, giving and taking. I don't know how to be someone else. I miss me. I miss being happy and I don't know how to some else after twenty years.

I understand feeling who you are was a "we". I was Scott and Linda for 33 years. Actually 34 together. It was him first and he placed me first. I was always thankful I had such a sweet lover/hubby/friend in him. We knew we were in love as much year one as year 33.Then it was "me" alone. I was Linda again. Just Linda. I have always been strong. I was capable. Just in limbo. This is 2 1/2 years later. I have adjusted some. Not ever forgetting I'd rather be "us" again. I have a large network of friends and neighbors and co workers. I speak and have things I could do with others. I am not lonely but very much alone. I go home to my two dogs. It was going to to him and the dogs that was soooo good. He'd smile when I come in. I was the high point of someone's life. Yes, I do understand where you are. LindaKay

[melina]

Cheryl,

I feel the same way right now. It's such an emotional roller coaster. After nearly 30 years with one man and all that history packed into those years, it feels like I will never be able to move on. Your comments have helped me. I wish I could say something that will help us both. When I think about how I was just after my husband's death - unable to do anything - I can see I've progressed. But the pain comes in huge tidal waves sometimes - especially in the morning - and sometimes I feel I can't take another day of it, another minute of it. I miss my life before the cancer diagnosis. I miss our life together. I miss feeling normal - having a normal life, looking forward to weekends, talking about everyday stuff.

I get scared when I read about grief on the internet - when it says that though the pain will ease, the grief will never go away. That it will change us forever. I was terrified I would always feel this way - that waves of horror and pain would wash over me when I least expected it. That I would never get my sense of humor back - and that was a big part of me and our life together in general. I'm 52 - maybe I'll live another thirty or forty years. Will they be thirty or forty years of pain?

But I talked with my grief counselor. She said in her experience - and she's worked with a lot of grieving people - that it's not like that. Life will, after a while, regain some sense of normality. That I will be able to laugh again - that my personality and sense of humor havn't disappeared, they're just being blocked right now by the pain of my loss. She said that yes, grief changes us, but so do all the other events in our lives - some good, some bad. This is just on another scale. We all change over time, shaped by our experiences, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. She added that even the worst of our experiences can also lead to positive changes. That doesn't mean that losing our beloved husbands is a good thing. On the contrary, it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. But the changes in ourselves may, over time, be positive ones too. We may not have wanted to be any stronger than we were when we had our husbands, but it will happen anyway. We may not have wanted to become any more independent than we were with the love of our life, but there is no avoiding that. And when it happens, gradually, it will be a positive thing in the wake of all the misery we've had to endure.

I'm hoping I can shake the anger I feel at having to go through this, while other people seemingly just sail through life without a hitch. And my intense envy of other women who get to continue living with their healthy husbands. It's to the point where I can't be around women who have healthy husbands to go home to. I don't know anyone - apart from the people in this forum - who have lost their life partners. I'm sure that will fade in time, but it's hard while it's going on.

I try to think about my experiences when I worked in Malawi, in Africa. I've mentioned this before. Every single family I met had lost people they loved - some of them had lost several, and there were very many widows and widowers. Most of them had lost children. The death were caused by AIDS, malaria, cancer, heart attacks, violence, accidents or a host of other diseases that we in the west either don't have or can afford to treat. And they had few resources, no money, little food and poor housing. But a lot of them had support from family and their villages. They had someone to lean on - and hopefully we can lean on each other here. I'm glad of that since I have no family that has offered support. These people - even though they'd suffered enormous and painful losses, were able to work and talk and laugh and sing and dance. I was amazed by how they coped. I do think the support they had in each other was the key.

I'm writing too much. It's Sunday morning - my worst day of the week and worst time of the day. So I'm pouring out my pain here. Hope something I said helps a little. If not - at least you know I'm feeling pretty much what you're feeling - and hopefully we'll get through it little by little.

Melina

[Nick]

Hi All,

I feel the same this weekend has been terrible for me not sure how to handle weekends. Should I make more of an attempt to plan to stay more busy? I did have a few girlfriends over on Friday night, but that left me missing my husband. I always miss him I just want to change the way I look at the weekends. I think today I'll plan an activity with my boys. I find it hard to to do a lot of times alone I hate the realization that I'm alone with them to do things. Maybe it's fear, maybe I need to build my confidence so I realize I can manage alone or maybe it's just that I don't want to find out because I'm so mad that I'm in this position in the first place! Feeling like this is not fair to myself or my boys. I know my husband would not want this he would say take those boys and live, live life to the fullest. He wanted them so badly to experience so much in life provide them with a rich culture. I can't fail him or my children so I must find a way to turn around my hating weekends. Today, I will do something fun with my boys this always makes me smile. To see them happy makes me happy. Any thoughts or ideas??

Leesa

[Sharon3]

45 to 1 1/2...............I met my husband when I was 16 and 8 days after my 61st birthday he was suddenly gone. You take your life so for granted........even in that time I did not say enough, did not live enough, did not do enough ...with him. I cannot imagine myself with anyone but him. I will never be the same person I was with him but I chase away the days. Keeping busy eases the reality of my life. I still love him, miss him every day, cry for him but I am just now trying to figure out what the rest of my life will be. I want it to be different and purposeful and meaningful. I want to be more than a Mother, Grandmother, Daughter, Sister and Friend...but I don't know how to get the jumpstart just yet. I work casually, I do some crafts, I volunteer, I meet friends for lunch, dinner and movies, I look after my Granddaughter sometimes, who is the light of my life....but it is not enough without my husband so I am still grieving and now searching for more purpose............anyone in the same boat?

[Cheryl]

Thank you everyone for making me feel better. I appreciate knowing that I am not alone even though I often feel alone. I never thought this chapter in my life wold happen so soon. Another weekend over, another start to a new week.