When Does It Get Easier

[twinsmom]

Hi Everyone,

It's been six months since I lost my mom unexpectedly. I just want to know when does it start getting easier? When will I stop crying at the drop of a hat? When will every blond haired woman I see give me that fleeting moment that it's her? When will I stop thinking to myself "Oh, I'll call mom and tell her", just to feel the pain all over? I feel a huge void in my life, I feel so alone. My husband is my weakest supporter, no empathy at all. The day after her funeral it was business as usual and I was expected to be good to go. I know everyone on here has experienced the same type of loss that I have, but I feel like I'm so sad and no one sees it, or they don't care. I have 4 great kids and truthfully they are the reason I stay strong, but during the day I find myself on this site because I feel it's the only place people understand what I'm going through. I have a ton of friends, but truthfully they all have their moms and I think it makes them uncomfortable to talk about because it puts them in my shoes, and they don't want to be there.

Sorry to vent, I don't know if anyone has the answer.

Christine

[heartaches]

Hello Christine,

I am feeling the exact same way as you are.

I lost my mom 6 1/2 moths ago.

I have heard the first year is the hardest,...then I heard it is actually the second year that is the worst.

I think we just have to accept this, that every day will be hard, some days harder then others.

It is 3pm, and my eyes are still puffy from my midnight crying, sobbing.

I am wondering, do strong, resilient people handle this better? Is it maybe because I am too sensitive, weak,

feel sorry for myself, want to be sad? Of course not, as I know I am so sad because the most important person

in my life is gone. Grief is normal, and there is no 'proper' length of time when it is too much.

It is heavily traumatic.

As I was walking home today, I was thinking that for the first few months, I was trying to live with it, striving to

be strong, carry on. And now, I've done that,...I have proved I can survive, and continue with my life before.

And now what? Here it is, this is it, and I hate my life without my mom in it. I am tired of trying to continue on.

It is getting worse! It is not getting better.

I feel like I put on a shield to do this or that, and it is heavy, this mask. Inside I am a depressed, always making an effort.

And as you said, some will not understand,...people who have not experienced a loss seem to be from a different planet.

That is why connecting to this site is so vital.

A friend told me the hole in her heart, eventually got softer around the edges, but the hole is still there. She is 60 and she lost her mom

1 year and 1/2 ago. She has a great career, kids and grandkids, and she still misses her mom everyday.

So cry when you need to cry!

Read books to help you.

Stay with this site, and find other sites too.

Be sad, because you are sad, there is no denying that fact. There is nothing else you can be...

Just be sad, be in your pain.

I know I am sounding...kind of practical zen like (!)

I am trying to figure this out for myself as I type this.

I am glad you have your kids, but your husband sounds totally useless!

Feel free to vent more!!!

Hug to you,

Karen

[Kim P.]

Hi Christine,

I lost my mom on January 23rd of this year. I just found this site last week, and it was a godsend. I just happened to stumble upon it during a Google search, and I am truly thankful for this site. So far it has helped me tremendously, and I am sure it will help you. There are amazing people on here who are going through the same emotions as we are and it is a relief to know that we aren't the only ones. It hurt to read that your husband was back to business the day after the funeral. I know that everyone deals with sadness in a different manner, but he should be more sympathetic to your feelings. Losing a parent is a tough thing to encounter in life, and to feel like you are alone with your feelings is not easy. Sometimes I think that my boyfriend thinks that I should be moving on faster than I am………my only conclusion for that is because he still has his parents. And until he experiences their death, he will not understand what I am going through. I would assume the same for your husband. He will understand one day.

My life certainly changed on January 23rd, and it will never be the same. To be quite honest, sometimes I just feel like I don't enjoy life anymore. Immediately following my mom's death, I was bitter, angry at the world. It was an anger that I have never experienced. I had a huge chip on my shoulder. I had so many questions; Why my mom? Why did she have to die? Why did I lose her so early in life? Why do we have to experience this kind of pain? I am sure you may have experienced these same questions as well. None of my friends have lost their mothers either. I received tons of sympathy cards and emails from friends shortly after it happened. But then it all stopped. I remember feeling so lost....how could I be in so much pain while everyone moves on with their lives as if nothing ever happened. Selfishly, I expected everyone to feel the way I was feeling. I know that was irrational, but that is how I felt.

I cried myself to sleep every night for the first 7 months. I also found myself thinking of her at work and becoming upset. I would have to go to the bathroom to shake it off. I still do that from time to time. It seems as though lately I am starting to accept her absence a bit more, even though I don't want too. I feel like if I accept it, then it will mean that I am ok with her being gone. I know over time I will feel better about the situation. When I see pictures of her I still cry, and that is probably something that will last a life time. The chip on my shoulder doesn't really seem to be as big as it used to be. But just so you know, there is no time limit on your grief, and don't ever let someone tell you otherwise. You are allowed to grieve for as long as you need too. No one can put a time limit on the sadness that you have for your mom's passing. Just know that you are not alone, and when you feel like you need to talk, there are many great people on this site who can help you. Hugs!!!

Kim

[misswavy]

Sorry for your loss Christine. I'm not sure if it will get easier for a long time if ever, I think we just learn to adjust. I lost my mom June 6, 2010 and I still cry alot. I can't believe I still have so many tears, but she was my best friend and she loved me unconditionally and I could go to her for anything. For about the last week I have really needed her to help me through a situation with my daughter and I want to pick up the phone or go visit her and ask her what do do. And you are right no one that hasn't lost their mom doesn't have a clue. They think we should be fine and that we should be normal and over it! I'm still so emotional, if someone looks at me wrong I get upset! Hang in there! Take it a day at a time, that's about all we can do!