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I Was Doing Ok Until

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I have been doing ok for a few weeks. I started a new job, Charlie is always on my mind,everything about our life together,right up til I watched him take his last breath. But starting this new job was nice because it was a place where no one knew me or what I have been thru or continue to go thru.I could walk in everyday and not be greeted by coworkers or parents with sad,I feel sorry for u looks. Well yesterday a really nice woman around my age asked me if I had a boyfriend. She said she had a nice guy she wanted to fix me up with. I looked at her and was speechless, I now had to tell someone how five months ago I lost the love of my life,my best friend, the best thing that ever happened to me. I was ok when telling her,she was very apolagetic, she said she had no idea and blah blah blah. Well that was it, once I got inthe car to go home I lost it.Its not that it was a reminder of my loss, because like I said I think about it everyday all day long,but it just made me cry and cry and cry. and now today when I went to work it was very difficult, it was a different feeling than it had been for the past three weeks.I just dont want people coming uup to me all over again telling me how sorry they are. I am in such a rut now again,so depressed. I don't want to do anything. I am not sure I have really mourned. I am starting to realize he is not coming home,he's not sick inthe hospital or at work. I look at pictures and go back to that moment and just cant believe he is no longer here.I see this picture of a happy time, when he is so full of life and healthy looking and then I immediately recall how sick he was the last month of his life. I go to that last day before he died,I just can't believe this. I have to go now. very upset.

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I am so sorry that you have been hit by the "avalanche" as I have taken to calling it. I can go days at a time without crying and then all of a sudden I am hit hard by this crushing overwhelming pain.

I can relate to your story about your new job somewhat. Jeff and I got married in October last year but weren't able to go on a honeymoon because he started chemo 4 days later. We were finally able to go on our honeymoon in January when they allowed him to have a break from treatments. It was the most fantastic trip - we went on a cruise. I think the best part of the whole trip was that no one but Jeff and I knew that he had stage 4 cancer. We had one whole week where no one gave us that "oh you poor thing" look.

I hope you are able to find some comfort somehow.....and that you continue on your road to healing.



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I had to go back to work five days after his suicide. I had done community relations(like a PR work) for 13 store managers for my district manager. A few knew he was depressed. I had told my district manager and one close manager. I was coming up with ways for them to network others with our charities we support. So when it happened. I called my everyday close friend in Fla. then the close boss. I had to say I was not coming in. He went into action. I told him to be the one to tell what happened. I told him, no denial. Say he was depressed for 8 years and how it happened. This kept alot of people from coming up to me when I went back to work. The boss kept me in one store for two months to "help him out/missing employee in Produce". He was my guardian angel to talk to. Did I mention he was third generation pychic by nature. Very perceptive. We talked alot. He told me he could tell I had some. I told him only in dreams. I get visations. He explained them and how you knew what they were. He was right. I knew the difference.They wake you up with energy running through you. Always feel good. He won't be sick when he visits. They can communicate. Just not often enough for us. Let them know at the new job it's hard for you to visit that place in your mind.

Tell them how good it was to get back to work and start over. Maybe they will think that's what you want and need.Lindakay

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