Dealing With Childrens' Pain

[melina]

I had two sons home this weekend and talked to the two others on the phone. It's clear that they're all grieving over the loss of their father. Their ages are 19, 22, 24 and 26, so technically they're adults, but that doesn't make their pain any less difficult.

I find it just as hard to see their pain and hear about their grief as it is to feel it myself. I ache for them and wish they did not have to go through this. They should be happily at work in school and having fun with their friends. They're all moving along with their lives, but it breaks my heart to see them cry and hear about how much they miss their dad.

I wish I could take over their pain and carry it all for them. It couldn't get any harder for me than it is now anyway. I have to wonder if they'll suffer from this. Their father's death was traumatic and a huge shock for all of us. I'm worried this will affect them later and cause them psychological damage.

Melina

[Ron B.]

Hi Melina - Maybe there are some very positive things about grieving with family. First, you are not grieving all by yourself, and neither are they. Maybe you are stronger together! You say you wish your kids didn't have to go through this grief, but I'm not so sure grief is all bad. Of course you would rather see your kids happy, but loss is part of life, and learning to face it honestly might also be a good thing. Heartbreaking, definitely. I like that you said you wish you could carry their pain. Maybe you already are carrying some of it! Life now is surely difficult, but you have to unburden yourself too when you can; your kids are probably helping you in carrying your own pain. That's how family works; the caring runs deep, as does the mutual support. My best guess is that psychological damage from loss generally doesn't happen when there is strong interpersonal support, as in a family grouping. Greetings from the San Francisco bay area; the weather here is overcast and chilly, probably a lot like Norway. - Ron B.

[Daughter2010]

I agree with Ron. Being a daughter grieving his father's passing, I have found the entire process difficult, but I know it is a reality I need to live with. Losing a loved one is heartbreaking, but it somehow it makes us stronger. When I talk with my mother and brothers about my father and sometimes the tears flow down....it somehow makes us feel stronger because we grieve together.

Loss is something we all deal with at one point or another in our lives. When we share our thoughts it somehow feels like little by little we are helping each other. Just being there helps. Before my dad passed I had not idea how I would deal with not having him here. I am surviving, we all are.

Taking it one step at a time, little by little it gets better, and easier.

It is important to stay together, like the family you have always been. That will help you through the worst of things. That has been my experience.

-L

[melina]

Thanks for the replies. I know our sons were very devoted to their father. I'm just worried I won't be able to give them the same sense of security on my own.

Melina

[kayc]

It is hard. My son was in the service when George died, and it hit him hard. I just basically told him he was grieving and it's normal and it's okay to cry, and it'd take time.

[melina]

My 24 year old son studying in Canada called at three-thirty a.m. (his time) and was feeling panicky. He couldn't sleep, he cried, and said he just kept going over his father's death in his mind. He's been doing fine up until now but suddenly the reality has hit him. It probably doesn't help much that he has some midterms coming up and this is his last year of college before he gets his Bachelor degree.

I don't know what to do except tell him what I've been hearing myself - that this is common for grief, that it will get easier, just to take one day at a time. It's so hard to deal with everyone else's pain at the same time I'm dealing with mine. I want to help my kids, but feel emotionally crippled myself.

Melina

[MZM]

send them the poem my mom sent to me melina...it will help...it comforted me that day.