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Reliving The Past

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I find that for the past two weeks all I can think about is last year at this time. It was the beginning of Oct.2009 that we were told Lars had two spots on his pelvis and one on the lung. The cancer was spreading and because he only had one kidney, they couldn't help him. At the same time the pain became unbearable and he was given very strong doses of morophine and methadone.

For the amount the meds helped, I wonder whether he'd have been happier without them, they messed up his mind, he hallucinated, became aggressive and had anxiety attacks. Lars was always very mild mannered, gentle, a big teddy bear. This stranger was someone we didn't know.

I'm waking up in the middle of the night and my mind goes straight to the last days at the hospice. At least there they were able to give him a drug that made him lucid for about three days before he fell into the deep sleep and never woke up again. He passed on Dec.11,2009.

I am already dreading the days that will lead up to the first year Anniversary.How do I handle these times? Can I just hide somewhere til the day passes? I'm also getting stressed about Xmas, last year I was numb, not so much this year. Any suggestions how to cope?


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It will be 16 months this Saturday and I still go back to those last days at hospice. I guess it is just our minds trying to make sense of everything. I will never understand why. I will always feel cheated of the life that should have been.

As for the holidays, they will never be the same for me. I tried to keep busy as much as possible. They were difficult but I got through them with the help of my family and friends. I can't believe that they are just around the corner again. I used to look forward to them and now I dread the thought of them. There is one thing that I do. Last year on All Saints Day the church gave candles to the families who lost loved ones. I would burn it at night when I would light the Christmas tree. Pat loved the tree and by burning the candle it makes me feel close to him. Maybe there is one special thing that you could do to honor Lars.

Take care, Kat

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To me, I was glad when the first year was over because it marked all of the anniversaries of my first year without him (first Christmas without him, first birthday without him, etc.) and I knew once I got through all that, I'd somehow survive. But you are going through anniversaries of his illness (one year since diagnosis, etc.) and it conjures up all of the old memories. There is a thread that has helped me tremendously in understanding memories and how the brain works and I want to post it here for you, the person signs in as Mark1952 (it is a marriage site on the subject of infidelity so some of what is discussed is different but the application is the same in that we're talking about managing painful memories and how to deal with them).


I love how he explains it and it has been of immense help to me.



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