Is The Shock Easier Than The Acceptance?

[Nikki]

The love of my life shot himself on Jan. 13th 2005. I have come to terms with the manner of his death and have been able to work through those issues, but I am having such a hard time now with the reality that I will never, ever have one more moment with him. He was/is my bestfriend, my lover, my comedian, and my biggest fan and cheerleader-I miss him every second of the day. Life seems to be moving forward to everyone else, but there are times I just cannot believe this has happened-I cannot believe at 32 my whole world feels like it just exploded one day and there are days that I just feel paralyzed by the event itself and the fact he will no longer be a part of my life, we shared the best 6 years of my life and the last 2 were hard and rocky but the good times always outwieghed the bad-he suffered from alcoholism and depression-the toll of the two really took alot out of both of us, but I thought love could conquer all. When this first happened I guess it was the shock-I felt like I was in one of those water globes and all this stuff was happening around me but I could not hear or feel anything except intense pain-that has softened and for that I am grateful, but now I feel like there is this constant stinging feeling in my heart that just won't go away-Everyday even if it is just me muttling around the house or doing errands or something else it is just another example of life moving on. I am so confused about the direction of my life, I am trying to be gentle with myself-that is the advise I would give to a friend in my situation, but I am just so confused about the uncertaintly I feel. Before the 13th of Jan. I never really had a death touch my heart in this way. I am a nurse and have been at the bedside of many dying patients, but it is not the same. Somedays I just feel so incomplete-I do feel like he is finally at peace and for that I am grateful-I do realize that it is alright that I could not be everything he needed, but his loss is so heavy on my mind and heart I cannot see how will get through this-I know I will-I know I have to, but it is just so hard.

[WaltC]

So sorry about your loss of partner in life

I am glad to know that you have come to terms with his death, but I understand that doesn't take away the pain.

Half of your life is gone and it will take some time to accomodate such a significant loss.

Life will move forward and the fact that we live on means there is hope that we can find some purpose in life.

The fact that you are a nurse tells me that you do have a noble purpose and can bring comfort to others.

In fact, now that you are experiencing such a deep personal loss, you will be able to be even more understanding of the needs of the spouses of your patients.

I realize that you would much prefer not to have this painful experience, but it will help you I am sure.

Kindest regards Nikki,

Walt C.

[spela]

Nikki,

I've been having similar thoughts lately ... Especially after I came back from holidays and had to see that he's still not back and I will have to accept it. I don't want to accept it! I want to keep waiting for his phone call, I want to keep hoping I will see him, go out for dinner with him ... he promised me special dinner just a few days before he died! The holidays with his sister were fine, I could feel him there, I could almost see him and hear him underneath the hot Greek sun, and swimming with a turtle was like a gift from him, like one of those gifts that make you fall in love with him over and over again ... But then I returned back home, and it all seemed even worse, I don't know what to do, I just miss him - and, like I wrote once, I miss him more and more, though I don't know how it is even possible to miss him more ...

[kayc]

How can the missing him go away when it's left such a hollow inside of you! I think we eventually will learn to live with it but I think the missing them just goes on and on. My father has been dead for 23 years and my mom still misses him. My husband has only been gone for a month and it is still so fresh and raw it hits me like waves crashing over me. We have to build something, forage friendships, volunteer in causes, keep busy, work, reach out to others, work in the garden, but being careful not to be alone more than we have to. Eventually we'll get more used to the aloneness...I never minded being alone "before him" but now...now it's just a painful reminder of his absence. I don't know if the shock is easier than the acceptance but the acceptance is slower coming. Some of us fight against it but really, what choice do we have but to accept? It doesn't mean we chose it or like it, just that it is what we got dealt and we have to make the best of it. I am so sorry for your loss. I could relate to much of what you were saying, I too am happy that my husband is out of his suffering and he is at last at peace, but now I have my own suffering to deal with and it feels anything but peaceful. Good luck on your journey.

[spela]

KayC, I don't know how I wouldn't feel alone. I rather spend time alone than with most of the people who just don't seem real - if you know what I mean. Most people my age don't have such experience in life, and they worry about things that don't matter. There's now such a long distance between me and my old friends ...

[kayc]

Spela,

It isn't peculiar that you don't feel a kinship with people who have shallow existences, I felt that way in my early to mid twenties. It helped me to realize that they were okay people that just hadn't traveled some of the roads I had yet. I have always felt much more of a kinship with people who are real, deeper, more in tune with what is important in life. I have developed some friendships with people who have been through a lot and people who have lived a little more because they seem to have a better idea of priorities and what is important. I think this whole grief journey is designed to help us grow and learn and reach out and even though it wasn't something any of us wanted and we'd undo it in a second to get our loved one back, it is a path we have been put on for a purpose and it's up to us if we're going to attend to that purpose or not. Good luck in your journey!