spela

Sadly the number of victims among Croatian firefighters has increased to 12. Two of them minors. One is still fighting fot his life.

Jan, you're not crazy, it's normal that you're feeling this way. I guess it's a sort of protection, it makes us survive. Seeking professional health is nothing you should be ashamed of. If you feel you need it, find it. Take care.

I am sorry for your loss. It does take a long time to accept it happened, especially when it's so sudden. After some time these feelings of his presence and the anticipation of his call won't be so painful adn maybe you'll be grateful for them. I know you probably don't care about the details, why he died, but my advice is that you ask for them. Because at some point maybe you will want to know and you wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what happened, who was to blame (if anybody) and if it could have been prevented.

I'm reading the forum again, after a long time (I was just too tired of grief, I guess). Anyway ... it feels good to know that so many of the you are still here. KayC, Walt, Ustwo, Dusky ... and others, I haven't checked everyone yet It feels kind of ... returning home.

Jamie, lately I haven't written much on the forum. I am sorry for your loss. When I read your words, I feel as if I was reading my own words from a few weeks/months ago. Feeling that you just can't continue faking that you can make it and that things would be "ok". When I entered this world of grief, there came another shock when I realized that not only my love died but also, that most of my "friends" vanished. But I see now that almost everybody who lost someone they love have this experience. Yes, there are friends and so called "friends". But, what I want to say is, that only now I also realize that it may be that a lot of people are gone, but there are new people, and now I can tell who my real friends are.

Lori, I'm taking cipralex/lexapro. I started to take them about 3 months agowhen was also phisycally so down that I couldn't do anything - panic attacks, I was scared all the time ... They DO help!

Yes, loneliness is hard ... Anxiety attack - I've had them too, and I am quite sure it's because of being lonely all the time. However, I went to see my doctor and I'm on antidepressants now and feeling much better. Physically and also emotionally. I'm not suggesting you should do the same, but it's helping me. At least for now. And Marty and Derek, thank you for the poem.

KayC, just like Marty said: we'll all be there with you!

Maylissa, only now I read about your loss. I am so sorry. I just don't know what else to say, it's so hard to think about letting our dear animals go. Though we know that someday it will happen, but ... I am sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry, KayC, that you're feeling this way. You're feeling betrayed and can't talk to George about it. The fact that he made a few mistakes and didn't tell you about his visits to his ex-girlfriend doesn't mean he didn't love you. Of course you know that but still it must hurt because he isn't there to explain you his reasons. Have you met his ex-girlfriend? Maybe it would help you to talk to her, just to make things clear? Well, just a suggestion?

Good to hear from you, Walt!!!

Maylissa, I apologize for not being able to express myself the right way. Of course I didn't want to say that, unlike the rest of us, you want to think about the time when your cat dies. Of course none of us want to. What I meant was that most of us are probabla unable to face the reality and unable to accept the CHANCE it can really happen. That's why we avoid the subject. Even now I'm not sure I really explained the reason. I don't know if it can be explained. I know you've been under a lot of stress, I'm sorry. But you know you can come here and talk to us, if that helps at all?

How's Walt doing?

Maylissa, this is the third or fourth time that I'm trying to write here. The answer is so diffucult. You're right, people don't want to talk about anticipatory grief. We don't want to think about it. It's too hard to think about how it is going to be "then". We don't want to believe it can really happen. We know our beloved animals will most likely leave us someday, we know their life will probably be shorter, but we don't want to think about it. I know I don't. So I'm afraid I don't have an answer for you. I know the loss of a dog. Though I was "absolutely sure" I would never again have another dog, I have one now (well, two, including my mom's dog) and I don't want to think about the time when one of them will have to leave me.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. We care.

Ustwo, it's good to hear from you. I know sometimes you need some time just for yourself - I need that too, and then I can't write to the forum because I feel I don't have anything to offer. Kellymarie, do that, send the list to your friends - who knows, maybe there's at least someone who will find it helpful? Perhaps the reason why people change the subject and don't want to talk about them is, like ustwo said, that it reminds them of their own mortality, and the mortality of their loved ones. "It only happens to others." But that's not true. AnnC, you're lucky to have such friends. I have just one who still calls from time to time. It's true what you're saying, we do learn who our real friends are.

LarrysGirl, you are right, we have to help ourselves, and this is a great site. But it's still hard. And I don't expect anymore that my "friends" would be there to help me, but I also didn't expect they would compeltely forget about me. Kellymarie, thank you for saying that drinking coffe and reading a newspaper alone is not pathetic. What you wrote mafe me think of - maybe - ordering a coffee for him too next time. It's just an idea, which would probably be weird in reality. I don't think the reason that your (our) frinds don't mention them is that they're ok with the fact they died - but that people tend to avoid subjects such as death and disease, something that could happen to them. And also, they don't "want us to remind of the pain" (yeah, right, like we ever forget about it???? but this is their way of thinking - I used to think that way!). Shortly after he died I sent to my friend "A wish list" (I don't know if this site was where I found it or was it somewhere else) but it's the sam as if I didn't. I wanted them to know I need to talk about him - but it didn't help. Wish List… (A little something for those around you) • I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name. • If I cry and get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that they died causes my tears. • You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing. • I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good cry my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling. • Being Bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. • I wish you knew all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, fear, hopelessness and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death. • I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in 6 months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "formerly bereaved", but forevermore be recovering from my bereavement. • I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight, lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief. • Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays can be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking of us and them on these days. And if we get quiet and withdrawn, **** know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful. • I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is **** a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal. • I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my beloved died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know this different me -- I'm the one who'll be here from now on. --Author unknown

Thank you both. Kellymarie, thank you for sharing your experience and somehow letting me know it's not my "fault" that people don't call, because in the first few months I couldn't have any contact with (almost) anybody and didn't answer the phone. So the reason is not that, well, it may be in a few cases, but some people NEVER called. I think back then someone gave me the advice (or perhaps I read it somewhere) that you should not completely isolate yourself because you'll need friends at some point. But I could's agree with that. Real friends would understand. I have one friend who calls sometimes, but she has her own life ... I can't even tell them I'm lonely and that I hoped they would call occasionally, because I thought THEY would at least check from time to time how I'm doing, and when they didn't, I deleted their numbers and emails. Stupid? Maybe, but it was helpful in a way when I did it, it was the only way I stopped looking at my phone book and wondering what their reason for not calling is. I have, too, started doing things by myself. You could see me now drinking coffee and readong a newspaper in a bar, but then I think how pathnetic this is and I don't really do that often. WHY IS IT THAT YOU NOT ONLY LOSE THE ONE PERSON YOU LOVE MOST, BUT YOU ALSO LOSE YOUR FRIENDS???? The fear I'm talking about has appeared a few months ago. It's not here from the beginning of my grief. At first when I read about fear being a aprt of grief, it didn't make any sense - I didn't care about anything. I didn't care about living. In fact, I would have rather died. But now I'm scared, and in my worst moments I' paralysed by this fear. What if something happens to my family? What if something happen to my dog? What if I get sick and it would be my "fault" because I'm not doing the right thing, and can't talk about my feelings just because there's nobody to talk to?? Ann, maybe someone had an advice for us in this area?

Does anyone have an advice what to do? I'm scared all the time. Whenever I have some health problems, I fear it could be something serious. I'm scared what might happen to my parents or my dogs. I read that fear is a part of grief but I didn't feel that before. But just recently I'm sometimes paralysed by this fear. I'm afraid to travel by airplane, afraid to let my mom drive (so I go with her though I would rather do something else, just because I would be scared if she drove alone), I think about what could happen, how much longer I will live and whether I will ever find joy in life again? Maybe I have too much time, too much time on my own. I'm lonely. Funny (well, not really funny), I used to be very outgoing person, I had a lot of people I considered as friends, and I could never imagine I would ever be so lonely - and certainly not in the age of 28?!?! I am lonely. There's nobody to talk to. I do have better days, but even then I'm lonely - it's just that there are days when this loneliness is bearable. But then there are times when I just wish I had somebody to talk to, about anything. But people just don't call anymore.

I completely agree with AnnC ... I DO believe they're in a safe, peaceful, loving place, but when people say that to you, I think they really want to say I should "stop grieving and move on". As for the phrase "He would want you to be happy". Yes, I KNOW that. And I AM TRYING to, I want to find peace, feel happiness and gratefulness becasue I've had the chance to know him. When I hear this sentence ("he would want you to be happy"), I (almost) feel guilty because what I also hear is: "You're not trying hard enough" or "you're just feeling sorry for yourself" or "he's disappointed in you". But I know it's not so, I do know grief takes time, we are trying and making progress, we are learning to live again, and though it's a slow progress, they understand. It's just something we have to go through ...

Ann, I'm sorry for your loss. We all - probably - have similar experience, not being able to talk to people about our grief. It's true, people don't want to talk about something "unpleasant", don't want to think about it, but we can't do that, we are in it and can't just choose not to think about it anymore. It is normal that you grieve for your ex-husband, as Maylissa already said. People who don't understand that, don't understand the connection you two have always had. Love is real, love is what counts, not the official recognition of the relationhisp. I lost my love, our relationship was not "defined" - he was ill, and I feel he didn't want to make a commitment while he didn't know what would happen to him. But the love between us was (and is) real. I can imagine in must be even more difficult for you to talk to people because they think you, as his "only" ex should be "over it". But they don't know how you still had a very good relationship, maybe because it's something they can't even imagine ... You said you can talk to his ex-partner and that you can comfort each other? I think this can be very good for both of you. I could talk to my love's sister, now she's moved abroad (far far away) and I don't see her. It was easier while she was here, though I didn't see her that much but I had someone to talk to. Unfortunatelly I have to agree with your professor about the media, though it's not the fault of the media, the society is such that it is expected you would be over a major loss very soon. But it's impossible. Which is ok and normal. If we could just "forget about it", what would that say about our love? Love is forever, and our loved ones will always be with us.

I am sorry for your loss. I'm glad you've found this site, which has been very helpful for me. I can't say it gets easier soon. In the first few months it actually gets more and more difficult - at least for me it was so. The most difficult time was around 6 months. After one year it's been slowly getting easier. Not continuously, there are still times when I feel like I'm back there at the beginning, still times when I don't want to believe, but generally it is easier. Unlike you, I am only now getting busy, in the first year I was exhausted from my tears and grief and I didn't have the energy for anything else. But I know how it feels when you are afraid to start crying because you're not sure that you'll be able to stop (if this is what you were talking about - that you're afraid to stop because you may crash?). Eventually you have to stop. It is ok to take time, to do nothing but cry and grieve ... I assure you, eventually you do stop crying, though at first it doesn't seem possible.

Thank you, Walt. This is so true.

I am sorry for your loss. And I am sorry for the additional pain caused to you by his family. No, it is not your fault. I is not your fault that he was a drug addict and that you couldn't live with abuse anymore. You were not responsible for his life, and you're not the one who could change him. No matter how hard we try to help somebody, it is up to them to make a decision. Nobody has the right to say it's your fault in any way, and you shouldn't blame yourself. The reason why his family blames you could be that they really feel it is their fault, but it is too hard to admit it. They maybe feel that they should have prevented him from becoming a drug addict, and they need someone else to blame - which unfortunately is you, as the most logical victim, being his ex-girlfriend. I have a feeling that you think you don't have the right to grieve. You didn't attend the funeral because you didn't want to add to their pain. But it's not just their pain, it's yours too. You have every right to grieve, you had every right to say goodbye, and you have the right to talk about your grief, without feeling guilty. You didn't say if you ever talked to his family, after he died. You say you were close to his mother. Maybe you could call her sometime again, or write her a letter and explain her how you feel. MAybe you'll be able to talk. If not, you'll know that you have tried.

I can tell you about my experience. My love died 17 months ago. Since then I have isolated myself from other people. At first I just couldn't see anybody, I couldn't listen to them complaining about their small "problems", for a log time I didn't answer my phone - and now I'm still isolated because people don't understand and now nobody even tries to call - and I for sure don't want to call those who haven't even tried to call me in the first few months. This is what I would like to say: checking on her is good. If you don't, she might feel abandoned later (this is how I feel and this is the reason why I don't talk to most of my old friends anymore). However, she might not want to answer the phone - and if she doesn't, do send her an email or a message to her mobile. I know even then I would have answered a written message - but talking was difficult, and when I phone rings, you never know what the person who calls you would want.