Don't Really Know Where To Start

[Mini]

I'm Cheryl, but since there's already one here I'll go by Mini. Tomorrow night will mark 9 weeks since I lost my husband of 31 years. Yes, I'm still grieving, and always will, but right now I'm more mad than anything. At him, even though it wasn't his fault, at the doctors that shrugged when I asked what it was that killed him, at my family and just mad in general.

He was diagnosed with SCLC July 2009, and given an 80% chance of living through the first year, which he did. His oncologist was positive he was going to beat it. Matter of fact, the Thursday before he died we were told they weren't sure but they thought he was in remission. Good news, you're doing okay, just need to gain weight. Friday was a good day, he was laughing and joking with a good appetite. Sat morning, woke up not feeling well, slept all day long, woke up that afternoon around 6 and just got gradually worse. Fighting me, which wasn't like him at all, then started complaining he couldn't see and started talking gibberish. Fought the paramedics, biting them and screaming. All through the night they kept giving him increasingly huge does of heavy narcotics to "calm him down", then gave him a massive dose of morphine Sunday morning at 7, he slipped into a heavy sleep and never woke up. I found out later on what they gave him is a cocktail of drugs that nurses will give hospice patients who are on their way out to help them. He died at 6:55 Monday night on the 23rd of Aug.

They gave him scans, ekg, x-rays, you name it. He had a bad blood clot in his left arm, from surgery he had back in July. I asked if the blood clots did it to him, shrug. A heart doctor came in and told me they didn't see any evidence of anything wrong with his heart, but he thought it was the cancer that had grown in the heart, then a shrug. Uh-- no evidence of cancer anywhere in his body but the one spot in his lung. His oncologist said he didn't think it was the cancer, he thought the chemo had just done a number on him and his body gave out. His regular doc told me what I thought was the most honest bit of all. It was a combination of a lot of things. Heart, blood clots, the surgery in July, pneumonia in April, the cancer and chemo. Official cause on his certificate is lung cancer followed with COPD, hypertension and diabetes. So nobody knows for sure what he died of or else they aren't telling me. He did have some neurological damage, which tells me it could have been a stroke. All I know is, I lost my 52 year old husband and became a widow before I am 50.

I'm mad. I have nobody to turn to, nobody to talk to. My son is living with me, but that's for his benefit, not mine. Matter of fact, he is out with his pals right now in my car, and I know when he comes in if I ask him to take me somewhere he will get mad. I can't drive, I have bad eyesight and honestly, panic attacks at the thought of driving. My reflexes are slow and I can't back a car up without needing to throw up afterwards. But to everybody, I am faking because I'm too lazy to learn to drive. My father in-law lost his wife to cancer almost 3 years to the day hubby died (his mom, his step-dad) but he acts like he doesn't know what I am going through. Hates to help me when I need it but back then had no freaking problem asking me to sit at the hospital with her, or house sit for him, clean house, cook supper, etc. When hubby was in for 10 days for the clots, never once did anybody offer to help me, clean my house, give me a break from sitting there, getting me food or anything. The only person who acts like she wants to help is my mom, and that's because she wants to come live with me and be waited on hand and foot. It's killing her knowing that I am in this house with my son and I won't let her come live with me. She's dirty, nasty, intrusive and a pain in the butt. I don't need her running in to save the day, treating me like I am freaking 5 years old and can't do anything without mommy's help, laying around the house peeing on every piece of furniture I have. (she's almost incontinent but won't admit it. To her, it's normal to do that) When somebody dies everybody offers help. Where is it then? It's not like I need help 24/7, I'd just sometimes like to be invited out for coffee, or a burger. At the moment I need some help moving some big pieces of furniture and can't get a single person to help. But, I know as soon as fil wants to go on a trip with his girlfriend and they need a dog sitter who they will call, expecting me to leave my cats alone for days. Will fil call his little thief of a daughter to have her do it? Nope, because she is so busy at her 12th job this year, and besides, she is so special because she drives. He forgets the time she and a boyfriend broke into the house and took $2k in money right after his mom died. Or writing $1k in hot checks when she stole his checkbook when both he and mil were in the hospital at the same time (and hubby and I were taking care of them. Nope, she is his sweet little angel now, because she is kissing his ass. When hubby died he took both our names out of his will and is leaving everything to her, including stuff my mil wanted hubby and me to have. People wonder why I act like I do now? They wonder why I am so angry?

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

[Lindakay]

Wow. So you don't work, can't drive but not disabled other than eyesight? Can you get eye surgery or new glasses? I ask because it don't look like you have that social network some have. You have to decide if you need to move to be closer to a bus line/shopping/job possibilities. Forget the will. I was told when my sweet mother inlaw was alive. She only leaves it to living children. So if mine had died before her/I knew I'd get nothing. I was with him 33 years and she loved me but...she died first and then all her stock bankrupted throwing him into a great depression. She didn't diverisify like she was told to do, by a trust lawyer. Decline the dogsitting stating your animals need your care and you don't drive.

One less stressor. Ask about taxi prices and make the outing count. That way you rely on only yourself. If your kid lives with you/eats with you...tell him he is expected to take you to the grocery store or starve.One less stressor... Sell the car if you don't drive/use the money for taxi money from here till it runs out. Why pay for something you don't use. Your son can buy his own. No car/no insurance worries costs or liabilities cause he's driving it. Get independent. I lost my hubby of 33 years at 54 and he was 56. Think of your home and realize if it's too far off the beaten path...look at those retirement communities. You may qualify or wait till 55. They drive you and have all kinds of outings.not every body is old/old. You know Faye Dunaway the movie star? She bought an apartment in Tampa behind one of the stores I worked for. It was maintenance free for her and I'm sure she had them other places too for travelling.She would have been in her 50's back then.Don't do for others that do nothing for you. I give/give/give all the time but they do give back. Yours are just bringing anger out. Change the stressors and the anger will subside. It's ok to vent here. We all do. It's not ok to not do things to change your situation. If you don't no one else will do it for you.Take the first step and learn to say no.LindaKay

[Lindakay]

PS Don't fall into the mom trap. Yours would just be another burden for you. You can't stand up and walk carrying her as a burden. You have alot of changes to go through and maybe alone for now is best. If the son doesn't help, don't let him be a burden either. Tough love is also knowing how to survive first. LindaKay

[kayc]

Cheryl,

Welcome to this site, it's a good safe place to be. I'm so sorry you lost your husband. It's enough to deal with grieving, without having all of this other stuff to deal with. Try to remember to put your grief situation ahead of everyone else's problems, at least for right now. You shouldn't have to deal with mom and FIL, and even for that matter, your son. They should all recognize what you're going through and it might not hurt to remind them, frankly, so long as you state it in a nice way. We're a good place to vent to, we've all been through so much, we understand.

Is there a neighbor or friend you could ask to drive you to the store, etc.? Are you able to work at all? If not, how do you live? It's going to be important to get out and not be alone all the time, do you have any place to go regularly?

As for the FIL changing the will...I've learned that blood (or adoption) is thicker than water...unfortunately, people get greedy and slight us. A lot of us have been through that. You just have to let it go and not give it too much significance. But neither would I worry unduly about caring for his dog while he's gone. He can make other arrangements. It's important not just to vent but to nicely state your needs/wishes to others...no one will do that for you but you. I don't know what your relationship with your husband was like, perhaps you're used to him standing up for you...one of the things we have to learn when we lose them is to take that on for ourselves.

31 years is a long time together, I'm sure you miss him every moment. It will get better with time. Keep coming here and posting, it helps...

[wmjsca]

Hi Cheryl

I can relate to the family drama. He died on Friday, 10/22 and before he even took his last breath they were asking about insurance policies. They are split, just as they were during his life. He was always the mediator and took care of everyone else. It's a real mess and the hardest part is that he'll never come home to me and we'll never be married.

His diagnosis came after months of trying to get him to go to the doctor and by the time he went, the situation was terminal.

This has been devastating.