Missing My Mom

[vcollick5879]

So, I'm new to this, but I thought I would try it out since I don't have anyone to really talk about this. Here's my story...

I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer on May 23, 2009, just two days after my high school graduation. The day of my graduation, the doctors were telling us my mom only had a few days left. They next day they told us they were going to move her to hospice because those weeks had now diminished to days. Because of all this, the joys of graduation really weren't there. I wanted my mom to be there more than anything. I asked her 2 weeks before she passed if she remembered that I was graduating soon and she said " yeah I know, in 2 weeks". After my mom died, nothing really went the way we (me and my siblings) wanted it. My mom's low life boyfriend threw away all of her clothes 2 weeks after she passed without asking and left us with hardly anything. This hurt my little brother because all he wanted was one of her night shirts. It also took us 4 months to get her ashes from him, just an awful experience with him all together. Aside from all of that, losing my mother has been hard. I returned back to work only a few days after she passed, not really giving myself time to grieve. It is a year later and I feel like I'm struggling with it a lot more than I did before. Growing up, my mom had other things going on in here life that didn't allow her to be part of mine and my brothers life, so my relationship with her was strained. Once she told me about her condition, I did my best to repair and build a relationship with her in just those 2 short years. Little things upset me like when I see a mother and daughter come in to my work grocery shopping, knowing that I won't be able to do that. It hurts knowing there are so many things I didn't get to learn about her.

Since a year has gone by, I feel like I am not allowed to be grieving about this. People do not really care to listen, nor do they give me much sympathy. It is hard to constantly hear that I'm not smiling enough or that I just seem depressed all the time. I feel like I do my best, but I can't be that 24/7. I know that I'll never get her back, but I can't help but wish that she was here again and that's how it will always be.

She was the greatest person I knew. She worked at this bar in Apache Junction and everyone there loved her. Even after my mom got sick, she still wanted to work, so the owner told her she'd pay her to sit there and talk to people (that's how much they loved her). She had such a great soul and such a will to make up for her past (which she did). My mom is my hero, and I miss her everyday.

Tori, 19

[pastmidnite]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that I will always miss my people I've lost...no matter how long it has been. People just don't know how to talk about it and how to support each other through it sometimes.

Sounds like you had lots to deal with on top of the loss of your mom. Hang in there!

[KJO]

So, I'm new to this, but I thought I would try it out since I don't have anyone to really talk about this. Here's my story...

I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer on May 23, 2009, just two days after my high school graduation. The day of my graduation, the doctors were telling us my mom only had a few days left. They next day they told us they were going to move her to hospice because those weeks had now diminished to days. Because of all this, the joys of graduation really weren't there. I wanted my mom to be there more than anything. I asked her 2 weeks before she passed if she remembered that I was graduating soon and she said " yeah I know, in 2 weeks". After my mom died, nothing really went the way we (me and my siblings) wanted it. My mom's low life boyfriend threw away all of her clothes 2 weeks after she passed without asking and left us with hardly anything. This hurt my little brother because all he wanted was one of her night shirts. It also took us 4 months to get her ashes from him, just an awful experience with him all together. Aside from all of that, losing my mother has been hard. I returned back to work only a few days after she passed, not really giving myself time to grieve. It is a year later and I feel like I'm struggling with it a lot more than I did before. Growing up, my mom had other things going on in here life that didn't allow her to be part of mine and my brothers life, so my relationship with her was strained. Once she told me about her condition, I did my best to repair and build a relationship with her in just those 2 short years. Little things upset me like when I see a mother and daughter come in to my work grocery shopping, knowing that I won't be able to do that. It hurts knowing there are so many things I didn't get to learn about her.

Since a year has gone by, I feel like I am not allowed to be grieving about this. People do not really care to listen, nor do they give me much sympathy. It is hard to constantly hear that I'm not smiling enough or that I just seem depressed all the time. I feel like I do my best, but I can't be that 24/7. I know that I'll never get her back, but I can't help but wish that she was here again and that's how it will always be.

She was the greatest person I knew. She worked at this bar in Apache Junction and everyone there loved her. Even after my mom got sick, she still wanted to work, so the owner told her she'd pay her to sit there and talk to people (that's how much they loved her). She had such a great soul and such a will to make up for her past (which she did). My mom is my hero, and I miss her everyday.

Tori, 19

Hello Tori,

Yeah. It is such a hard loss indeed. I lost my Mom almost a couple months ago, and I am still dumbstruck. I am 40, and it still doesn't make it easier. No matter how old you get, she is no less your Mom. It is hard, I know. I have had similar incidences involving conflicts that can only add to the burden similar to your Mom's loser ex boyfriend. You have to roll with the punches, and carry on your Mom's love throughout the responsibilities and struggles that life has thrust upon you. I know what you say when people don't respond well to discussion about what we go through. People act that way because they do not know how to help in the circumstance unless they have been through it. You have taken the right steps of discussing your feelings here on the forum. We have our own takes on what is happening in our lives since our own respective losses, and can share from our own experiences ways to help cope with them. Keep writing down your thoughts, vents, or express what you are feeling. Do take care, and God Bless. Hugz.

[niamh]

hi Tori,

welcome to this site and you will always have people here to listen and talk to.

I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet Mom. I know there's no "good" time for this to happen but it just adds to the sting ever so slightly when it happens around times that are supposed to be happy, when you are celebrating.

oh hun, that is so awful what her b/f friend did with her clothes, awful is such an understatement actually.

That is tough returning to work within a few days after such a huge shock. Maybe now it's just starting to hit you how real this is ............obviously I don't know exactyly how you feel and I certainly don't mean to put words in your mouth. Just know that 1 year is so early anyways ........I am 10 months into losing my Dad suddenly, sometimes I find it harder now than in the beginning .........now the shear shock has worn off quite a bit, reality sets in yet in everyone else's world 1 year should be enough time, you should be ok now, things should be easier, you should be moving on ............all a complete load of BS. It's not more than ever people need to listen and be there. I'm so sorry you are being told you are not smiling enough and seem depressed all the time ..........this new life we've all been thrown into is not easy and you know what ........you are doing your best and that is more than enough .......who cares if it doesn't live up to others expectations because they are not living your life, they don't truly know your pain and your best is all anyone can do.

That's how I always look at this and I think and hope my Dad is somewhere and still proud of me, although I'm not the happy go lucky person I once was, I don't exactly love life these days but I do my best, it doesn't come with a smile or a laugh but it's all I can do.

I'm glad you did get the last 2 years with your Mom, of course right now that makes no difference because she's not here now and you should have had so much more time with her. I can relate to you seeing Moms and daughters, I feel the sting everytime I see a girl with her Dad, young or old it hurts so much. I get so annoyed when I see men so much older than my Dad with their daughters, wondering why do they get to have their Dads still around and I don't.

Your Mom looks like such a sweet person in the photo Tori and sounds like such a fab person. I hope you find some tiny comfort knowing that some of us here can relate to you, we can't know your exact pain, that is unique to each of us but we can share, we can listen and just be here. The one thing about this site is that nobody judges, nobody tells you how you should feel, what you should do, they are simply there with open ears & an open heart.

So just know we are always here.

sending love and hugs your way Tori,

Niamh

[Butterfly9]

Dear Tori,

Welcome to this forum. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Mom. Sending you a hug ((((((((( ))))))))). Your post brought tears to my eyes. Graduation should have been a wonderful time for you however, with your Mom being ill it was not a good time. I'm so sorry about that. I can't understand how your Mom's boyfriend could be so cruel and throw out all your Mom's clothes after she passed. Holding on to some of her clothes would have brought some comfort because you would have felt her close to you. I can't believe that he would hold on to the ashes for 4 months until giving them to you. She is your Mom and her ashes belong with her family. I'm glad you got her ashes back. I hope you have some items that are your Mom's you got to keep. Dealing with your grief and then having to go through the bad experience with your Mom's boyfriend is terrible.

I'm glad you were able to repair the relationship with your Mom. I'm sure that meant a lot to her and you. I too get jealous of daughters with their Dads. That is part of grief.

You have every right to grieve. I'm sorry some people do not have compassion and sympathy and think you should be over your grief. We never really get over our grief but learn to live with it and adjust to our new life. We are always here to listen. We are going through the same thing and understand what you are going through. Sometimes people don't know what to say or they feel uncomfortable. Maybe they haven't experienced a loss. I am not the same person anymore either. It is hard to be happy at times. As you said, you are doing the best you can do and that is okay.

What a beautiful picture of your Mom. Your Mom sounds like a wonderful person that touched so many people's lives.

Know that your Mom is healed, happy and in a beautiful place. She is watching over you and guiding you until you can be together again someday.

Sending you hugs, love, comfort and strength.

Butterfly9