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Guilt And Anger Still Haunting Me!


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I still feel alot of guilt - guilt for having been the last to speak to him at 4:30am and not having maybe said something differently that couldve perhaps changed the outcome (which i know would not have been the case). He met in the accident at 5:10am.

I have so much guilt, for 3 weeks before the accident, a friend who i was there for (also married like ive mentioned in posts before) sent me a text apologising for having kissed me, saying "Im sorry I kissed you, but I fell in love with you" and his wife had read that and threatened to ruin my life. Even though my love and I worked things out, it was still hard for him to believe that i had put myself in that situation, not told him about it, even though I had not responded to that kiss.

He had alot of anger in him - confronted the guy and was still hurt...I will never forgive myself...

Now, i still have alot of anger. I posted before and got past it, but its back again. I have anger for the person who (with me) practically ruined mine and zubeirs last few weeks together. The person i now have to see so happy, when im the miserable one... when he was the one who kissed ME!! When he explained the text to his wife, he said "WE kissed" !?! and that he fell in love with me whilst I was being there for him. She hates me. Its a pity i didnt stoop to telling her everything he had said and how i had to stop him from that kiss, and how he was the only one that called me...

My love died hurting i know that :( :( :( We didnt get a chance to get "100% better"

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But you knew you loved each other and you know that given the time and chance, you WOULD have gotten better, would have worked it out. Unfinished business is more complicated once the person dies, but you have to look at the whole, the "before they died" is only a part, look at how it was going, what your history was, and you can almost predict what WOULD have happened, given time. The fact that you weren't given that time is inconsequential...it just means it ended before the story was done, before it got to play itself out, so you have to look at other things to determine what the true outcome would have been.

My George came to me three weeks before he died and confessed that he'd been using Speed to keep up with the workload at work...his supervisor had furnished it. I was furious! How could he be so stupid! I had plenty to say about it, I researched all about it and made him read/learn about what he'd done to his body. I required he be completely open with me about all financial decisions/actions, and begin counseling, which he was complying with. When he died, I still had yet to work through and process everything to do with this, and was still learning about things that had taken place in conjunction with it. However, I knew George, I knew our relationship, and I knew that given time, we would have worked through it and made it, I am confident of that, it would have been hard and a long arduous process, but we would have triumphed over even this. God in His mercy spared George having to go through what he would have had to go through...but me, for some reason, was left here to deal with all of the aftermath. I may not understand that, but I have to accept it. Maybe I'm just not done here, maybe someday I'll have grandchildren I need to be here for, who knows? But there'll come a day I can be with George again, and I've forgiven him and know and understand him so well. His motivation was always altruistic, just his judgment was lacking.

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Oh KayC...you've just made my day....seriously. When you feel the way i have been feeling, theres no reasoning with yourself...You know, the thing is that with guilt, you cant see everything else and its like you cant look past it. Even though you know what is right in front of you.

You're right in that I should look at "before he died" because we were certainly past the fighting and already starting to get better. Its just such a pity that we didnt get to where we had always been and he passed away:(

I am not angry anymore as well, coz I realised that they are at where zubeir and I woudve been had he been alive today, infact more happy, coz our relationship was never on the rocks until that day of the text....and we got past that.

KayC

look at how it was going, what your history was, and you can almost predict what WOULD have happened, given time. The fact that you weren't given that time is inconsequential...it just means it ended before the story was done, before it got to play itself out, so you have to look at other things to determine what the true outcome would have been.

That says it all....thank you! I know what we had and it was a relationship that was out of this world....Right now im smiling instead of sobbing..

Lots of love

M

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Atta girl, MZM! Just keep remembering that.

You know, after George died, my sister asked me if I felt bad cuz I had come down on him for doing the drugs, I said, Hell no, I told him what he needed to hear and he knew it! If anything, it gave him a chance to begin resolution and get right with God so I feel at peace that he'd begun that process...after he passed away I got his cell bill and he'd made calls to Rehab Centers, that made me happy, I knew he was doing his best to work things out. I love him I still do, nothing will ever change that.

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Guest popengena

Wow....that is sad..I am truly sorry that you are feeling that way. I feel that way too in a way, but suck at expressing it. Though from my pyscho classes...it seems to be pretty common..though there arent many grieiving......apparntly even ppl who havent lost the loves of their life are grieveing other things...so they relate to me at times...probably not when I walk in crying, cry all day and leave crying...but they do get it...pain is pain.......I regret things I didnt say, though I tried to say as much as I could without scaring him.....then I regret the "OK..You will be ok.....you need a better attitude!!" Miss cheerleader must have made him feel bad:(...he WAS trying..but he was dying...I couldnt accept it...but he did.....I wish I knew enough to tell him how much all our special moments meant to me.....I think I tried, but maybe it was too late..he was too sick...I feel guild sorrow sadness every single day for the last 3 months. I miss him wiht every fiber of my being, and honestly cant imagine a "new" life without him..as everyone keeps saying eventually will happen....I dont think so.....I miss him..I love him........my heart feels so torn in half. I feel like because of my grief he cant really go to rest....so the selfis part of me, wants to keep him near me......that is so messed up..........but I am afraid to live in this world without him with me......I am so messed up over this....

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popengena,

Write him a letter and tell him how you feel. I have a "Letters to George" file on my computer and I add to it and date it, any time I feel the need. It helps and who knows, maybe they do know what we write.

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I, too, have a bunch of letters to Scott. They helped me so much, especially in the first months.

Korina

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I understand the guilt feelings and I truly hope in time you can let the guilt go as you so don't deserve it. I was in complete anguish and despair after Melissa suicided and blamed myself for so many reasons. I think to feel guilty is normal but it doesn't mean that we are guilty. I also encourgage you to look at your time with your love as the whole rather than just the end. Your love, your committment, is defined by it all, not just a single event.

I really encourage you to write to your love to try and attain a sense of reaching that place of 100% better. That opportunity has not been taken away, it just means that you can not get there in the way that you had hoped. I am so sorry that you have to find another way.

Courage and Blessings,

Carol Ann

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