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Still Worried About The Kids


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I have no one to discuss this with right now (my husband was the one I leaned on in times of worry) - and this group seems to be a good place to pour out my feelings and have them understood. I would like some perspectives on grief and kids. I realize that some of you have small or young children and are probably struggling with this theme as well. But I figure grief affects younger children differently in the long run than older children. I don't know what's more painful. On the one hand, little kids will have few memories and won't feel that intense pain of loss. On the other hand they won't have the happy memories to look back on. Bear with me - this is a long post.

Our sons are 19, 22, 24 and 26. All of them (plus one daughter-in-law) were at their father's bedside with me when he died. They've expressed their grief in different ways and I'm so worried about how it will affect them in the years to come.

This is not what we wanted for them. We wanted them to have a normal life with two healthy parents who in time would become two healthy grandparents for their kids. All those dreams have been shattered. True, they had two healthy parents throughout their childhood, but when I see their friends around town, or visiting here at our house - I think about how they all still have both their parents. I feel as though our sons have become underprivileged - that their father was stolen from them. It's like a crime has taken place.

My husband's father died when he was 19, and he had never had a good relationship with him, so he didn't miss him. My own father died eleven years ago - when I was 41, but I felt very little grief and I've never missed him either. He was never really a part of my life. So we agreed that our sons would have a father who was 110% there for them. And that's what they had. We looked forward to this fantastic relationship continuing until they were getting on in years themselves.

Our next youngest son was home for the weekend, and his e-mail was up on the screen when he went up for a shower. Now I feel pretty guilty about this, but I read an e-mail he sent to a friend just a week after he lost his father.

In the e-mail he wrote that he was overcome with grief, that his father was someone he could always count on, the family's rock, that he was the perfect father, and that he wished he could have taken his dad's place. He also wrote that he most of all just wanted to collapse and never get up again, but had to be strong for his mom (me) - because she was taking the death very hard.

I didn't realize things were so awful for him. Since that time - it's been three months now - he's moved back to student housing, has been busy with college and friends, and seems to be coping well. Once in a while we'll talk about his dad and there will be tears in his eyes (and in mine, of course). He still hasn't found a girlfriend and says that he's a little afraid to commit to anyone. I wonder if he's afraid of experiencing new grief - not from death, but from maybe having someone break up with him.

Our youngest son who's 19 hasn't expressed anything since his dad's funeral. He sobbed when his father died, cried at the funeral and when we scattered the ashes at sea. Afterwards he isolated himself in his room for quite a while, just playing his guitar and making music on his computer. Just recently he's started seeing friends again and has been taking a few courses, attending a few concerts. But he hasn't found out what he wants to do with his life yet.

Our oldest son is married and seems to be doing better, though he had to drop his plans to take his Masters this fall because he was unable to concentrate. And our next oldest son is living with his girlfriend and doing well at university. He calls a lot and is very open about his grief, sometimes crying a little on the phone. He keeps me constantly informed of his progress through his grief and asks me about mine. I think having a partner helps both of the two oldest sons.

I don't know how much to involve myself in their grief. I try to mention their father in passing, but I don't want to always talk about grief and loss. They have seen me cry and be sad, but they've also seen me cope and be strong. This is all so complicated. This is a situation where there should have been two of us - but of course this wouldn't be happening if there were still two of us.

I just needed to express myself. Those of you with kids - big or small - what thoughts have you had? It's hard for me to ask about my sons' grief, because I'm still heavily grieving. I don't know if I have the strength to hear about their pain, though I've told them that I would gladly have taken their pain and carried it myself if I could.

Sorry for talking at such length.

Melina

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Our boys are 29 and 30. When my wife was diagnosed I don't think they had any idea how serious this was, none of really did. After her surgery I think they were under the impression that she would do some treatment, be cured and head down the road again. The last week she was alive was very hard on all of us but it hit the youngest very hard. He broke down at the hospice facility one night and we had a pretty at length discussion outside. Denial had really gotten a hold of him and he was coming out of the fog and seeing this thing in reality all at once. The oldest had done some research int the year leading up to her death and knew a little more about the possible outcome and had a little better idea what to expect.

The last days at home were very sad and hard to watch. It took it's toll on all three of us. We comforted each other the night she died and as I have shared before, our bond tightened that day.

Since then, I have done some counseling and I have talked to both of them about it. I asked if either of them would like to go on their own or with me. They both said they didn't feel as though they needed it. I didn't press the issue. They have assured me that they are dealing with it in their own way in their own time. I have sat and talked with both of them at length about all of the events that have taken place the past two years and it seems like sometimes they have a better grasp on things than I do. I have to remember that these are grown men now not the young boys I once knew. They both show their grief in very different ways and I know they miss their mom desperately. I don't hold back on telling them how I feel from time to time and they share with me when they feel like it.

They came by yesterday, the oldest took me to lunch and the youngest one stopped later in the day for a visit. There is always conversation about Mom whenever we get together, she was a huge part of this family, she is a major part of what made us the men we are today. I know that they have suffered this loss as much as I have, I just try to remember that we all had different relationships with her and we all grieve in different ways. As long as they know that I am here for them and them for me I think we will all come through on the other side.

I am so fortunate to have them in my life, they are a living piece of her that I can still see, touch, and really appreciate. Thanks for the topic this morning. I don't know if I said anything to help but it is a good reminder to me.....BW

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Bill,

I think we were all in denial - especially my husband - and we sort of played along with him, clinging to hope. We knew he had a serious illness, but we'd received so many hopeful words from the doctors that we all thought that this healthy, active, upbeat man would beat this thing, or at least live with it for many years. So when we all realized he was dying, it took us completely by surprise. We were all in complete shock for days.

I wonder if grief takes longer when the death is sudden. We were all so unprepared.

Melina

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I'm not a mother, but a daughter and here is my perspective on it.

I have two brothers, ages 29 and 22 and I'm the oldest. Dad passed away about a year ago, and even though the doctors had a good prognosis for his sickness, there were complications and he didn't make it. At first we were all hopeful including my father. When sickness took a turn for the worse, we were a bit in denial. I guess we were being strong for my father, and he was strong for us. My mom took it very hard as she was in denial too, but she is a strong woman too. She has been our rock in these times. My brother who is 29, has coped well. I believe he knew what the possibilities were and accepted the outcome quicker than everyone else. My brother says he knows daddy is in heaven and he watches over us. He has dreamed with dad a lot. In the dreams, my father gives him advice about something he is going through at the moment, so he knows he is not alone. He knows he needs to carry on my father's legacy and I believe that is what drives him now.

My youngest brother, who is 22 is still in college, he plays the guitar and writes music. He is the quiet one in the family. He hasn't expressed a lot in his grief, but he knows my father wants him to succeed, to carry on with things. Mom has said he tells her when he feels sad, and he is grieving in his own way.

After a year, I look back and yes we have grieved in different ways. We all help each other. We all feel comforted when we spend time together, like we always did.

I believe Melina that you can only let them know you are there to listen if they ever want to talk or express things to you. Knowing that we grieve together helps us deal with things a little better. My mom misses my father very much but she is also aware that we need to carry on with dad's legacy and she wants to do all she can do to make sure we are able to go on when she is no longer in this world. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us,so she is looking ahead but also focusing in the present.

Knowing that we carry on our father's legacy helps us stay connected to him, and in reality we are our father's kids, how could we not carry on with his teaching and his examples. Treat people well, be respectful of others, be considerate with those less fortunate, remember to be humble, care for one another, and everything we do we should give it 100%. These and many other examples, he set for us. Dad was no perfect person, but we focus on what he envisioned for his children, and carry on.

That's my 2 cents.

-L

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Melina,

I lost my dad very unexpectedly in April. My brother (age 33) and I (34) did not get to see our father before he died. It broke my heart to read your post because I feel the pain that your children are feeling. There are are days when life goes on as normal and I can almost convince myself that Dad is alive and well and I will talk to him on the phone later. Then there are moments when it floods back and the pain is so unbearable that I can't catch my breath. I'm not telling you this to make you worry more. I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that even in my darkest moments, I know that my dad would want me to keep going. I am sure that your children go through the same thought patterns. The one thing that I wish my mom would do is talk about my dad. I know that she is grieving and talking about him hurts. She is also afraid of upsetting me. I want to talk about him. Sometimes I want to talk about how he lived. Sometimes I want to talk about how he died. I want to know that it is ok to cry but also that it is ok to laugh. I want to know that he will not be forgotten. Most of all I want to know that my mom is ok. Talk to your children. Keep the lines open. Let them know that even if talking about him makes you cry that it is ok. Cry. Cry together.

As soon as my mom and I talked and agreed that it was ok to talk about Dad whenever we wanted regardless of how much we cried I was able to open up to her more. Just know that your family is not alone and I will personally be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Melina,

I share your concern about my children and their grieving. I am now back home after visiting my oldest son 34 and could see the pain in his eyes while I was there. Didn't know whether to bring it up or not and finally decided that if he wanted to talk he would. Still struggling whether that was the right thing to do. My daughter 32 lives in the same town and her and I have shared many tears together (will always be daddies little girl), just got married in August this year. My youngest son 30 lives about 8 hours away and seems okay when I talk to him on the phone. I think like ourselves that if they want to talk about the grief they will. For myself I know sometimes that if I talk about it I will just fall apart so choose not to. I am sure your children like mine are trying to be so strong for mom and take care of her. Maybe that is a good thing and a coping stradegy of its own. I just don't know.... I also understand when you say that you always talked this kind of thing over with your husband....boy I miss that. He was the one who could always calm me down if there was a storm and the kids weren't home yet. He shouldered the worry and lifted it from my shoulders.

I lost my dad when I was 21, my mom at 34 and my sister at 44. When my dad passed away he had been ill for many years so in that respect it was almost a blessing in that he was finally at peace. My moms death however I took extremely hard, many of the emotions I am going thru now were the same. That same feeling of not wanting to live anymore and driving thinking I'll just crash into that rock and end the pain. I know when I lost my mom that I grieved in my own way and didn't really share that grief with anyone. It took a long time for me to get over but eventually I did. Take care Melina.

Sally

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Bill,

I think we were all in denial - especially my husband - and we sort of played along with him, clinging to hope. We knew he had a serious illness, but we'd received so many hopeful words from the doctors that we all thought that this healthy, active, upbeat man would beat this thing, or at least live with it for many years. So when we all realized he was dying, it took us completely by surprise. We were all in complete shock for days.

I wonder if grief takes longer when the death is sudden. We were all so unprepared.

Melina

I don't think there is any amount of preparation for the things that we have seen our loved ones go through. Likewise there is no amount of preparation for the pain that we carry now that they have left. I had a pretty good idea how it was going to go but I still held out hope to the very end. She was a warrior.Our oncologist was much like the doctors you describe. We were very positive throughout the 16 months that she battled the disease. She made progress a couple times for very short intervals only to be followed by worse relapse.

I am amazed daily how quickly I can go from feeling like I'm turning the corner and seeing a glimpse of recovery right back to paralyzing grief. I still can't believe she's gone some days. I am looking for some relief and I pray for all of us daily that we find it. Hope you are doing better....BW

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Melina,

I don't have children and my heart goes out to you and others here who do for this journey is difficult enough to take care of just ourselves and witness and experience our own pain. To be a parent as well, and see our children's journey too, how utterly painful it must be. I am sorry.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but wanted to let you know I hold you and all of you here in my prayers.

I also want to say that I for one don't believe you need to apologize for talking as much and as long as you need.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

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